I need to compile my belly bump pictures and get them up. We’ve been trying to take them weekly… though that’s started to fall behind a little! I actually have a bump now, so I definitely want to document its growth. I forgot to measure it with our garment measuring tape early on. Sigh. I kind of remember my waist measurements… so at least there’s that.
I am finally able to eat/etc without feeling like throwing up. I even ate a few sandwiches and weird things while we were in Arizona. I am not a sandwich eater–I hate food mixed together usually, but it wasn’t too bad. The only lingering badness is chicken just tastes awful. Maybe it always did. I’m having to relearn how things taste since my taste and smell are finally back. Arizona post is forthcoming, too… I just have to get the pictures edited.
This pregnancy seems to be whizzing by. It’s insane. We found the gender on Wednesday. The husband was disappointed because he was wrong! It’s a little girl, clear as day. I had my suspicions and I was definitely against deciding to 100% believe the husband’s little tests with my blood. Now we’re stuck back at the name game again. The husband didn’t have any suggestions, so he’s chewing over the names I had picked out. One thing is decided–her middle name. It will be ‘Marie’, just like mine, my mother’s, my grandmother’s, her mother’s… etc. It’s a family thing, haha.
The ultrasound was really cool. She was very active. I realized very suddenly that all the things I’d felt in my stomach lately was her movements. Crazy. It still sort of freaks me out. I don’t even know how I’m going to handle it when she’s big enough to move and have other people be able to feel it.
We got a long strip of ultrasound photos. Of course, I posted the least gross one on facebook:
And then we have a terrifying one that was basically a full frontal of the baby. Hilarious. The tech took another one, too, but this is my favorite:
I took a picture with my phone and drew angry eyebrows on her and sent it to my dad. That’s just the kind of pregnant person I am. The husband can’t get over how much she’s changed since the last ultrasound. We were both happy when the doctor said we’d do another one or two later, just to check in. Usually, they stop after this one unless there’s a risk!
Of course, I’m still trying to come to grips with the fact that I’m growing a human being. The idea of it is just so crazy–I honestly never really expected this. This is just insane. Everything is moving so quickly and I’m just trying my best to stay grounded. Amazingly, my blood pressure is the lowest that it has ever been! I’m surprisingly relaxed about dramas, especially involving my family. I just don’t care. I don’t have room to care, not with this happening. I told the husband that he doesn’t understand, it won’t really hit him until he sees her and holds her. That’s when it’ll click and his mind will snap into parent mode. I’m already there because I’m constantly bombarded with the fact that not only am I growing a human, I’m responsible for her safety and health, even now. It’s huge.
It’s totally cheesy and ridiculous, I never thought it would be possible, but I love my husband more now than I ever have before. There’s always been a barrier there, a way to keep myself safe. I don’t trust easily and while I’m incredibly passionate about my emotions, I always hold a part of myself back. No one gets me 100%, no one–not even my family, not my grandparents, and especially not my parents. But I feel it crumbling and while it’s terrifying… I’m strangely okay with it, because I know that it’s necessary. Because I can’t do that with my child–there can be no walls. They get me, 100% and more… nothing less. It’s amazing how little the stuff you thought was a big deal matters in the grander scheme of things.
I’m scared shitless, I won’t lie. I won’t say that I’m ‘glowing’ or ‘walking on air’… I’m terrified. This is all so new and fast and overwhelming. I don’t know how anyone could be anything but frightened. It doesn’t help that we hadn’t really prepared ourselves for it, either. It was a far-off thing that maybe would happen and if it did, much further in the year… not now. Yikes. But it isn’t a bad fear. I’m not crippled by it, more like it makes me accountable, it forces me to face down things I otherwise wouldn’t and cut through the bullshit. This isn’t about just me anymore and it sure as shit isn’t about the stupid people in my life that can’t be adults. It’s bigger and much more important.
I just hope that everything is healthy and okay. Such a silly thing that everyone says, but it’s true. There’s always that nagging fear that something will go wrong. I held my breath at the beginning of the ultrasound, not because of the gender reveal, but because I was scared they would find something abnormal. They didn’t. Phew. Now we just need to survive the next round of tests!