Pregnancy Updates

Pregnancy Updates

I need to compile my belly bump pictures and get them up. We’ve been trying to take them weekly… though that’s started to fall behind a little! I actually have a bump now, so I definitely want to document its growth. I forgot to measure it with our garment measuring tape early on. Sigh. I kind of remember my waist measurements… so at least there’s that.

I am finally able to eat/etc without feeling like throwing up. I even ate a few sandwiches and weird things while we were in Arizona. I am not a sandwich eater–I hate food mixed together usually, but it wasn’t too bad. The only lingering badness is chicken just tastes awful. Maybe it always did. I’m having to relearn how things taste since my taste and smell are finally back. Arizona post is forthcoming, too… I just have to get the pictures edited.

This pregnancy seems to be whizzing by. It’s insane. We found the gender on Wednesday. The husband was disappointed because he was wrong! It’s a little girl, clear as day. I had my suspicions and I was definitely against deciding to 100% believe the husband’s little tests with my blood. Now we’re stuck back at the name game again. The husband didn’t have any suggestions, so he’s chewing over the names I had picked out. One thing is decided–her middle name. It will be ‘Marie’, just like mine, my mother’s, my grandmother’s, her mother’s… etc. It’s a family thing, haha.

The ultrasound was really cool. She was very active. I realized very suddenly that all the things I’d felt in my stomach lately was her movements. Crazy. It still sort of freaks me out. I don’t even know how I’m going to handle it when she’s big enough to move and have other people be able to feel it.

We got a long strip of ultrasound photos. Of course, I posted the least gross one on facebook:

Ultrasound 6-11-14 - 2 - Edit

And then we have a terrifying one that was basically a full frontal of the baby. Hilarious. The tech took another one, too, but this is my favorite:

Ultrasound 6-11-14 Four

I took a picture with my phone and drew angry eyebrows on her and sent it to my dad. That’s just the kind of pregnant person I am. ;) The husband can’t get over how much she’s changed since the last ultrasound. We were both happy when the doctor said we’d do another one or two later, just to check in. Usually, they stop after this one unless there’s a risk!

Of course, I’m still trying to come to grips with the fact that I’m growing a human being. The idea of it is just so crazy–I honestly never really expected this. This is just insane. Everything is moving so quickly and I’m just trying my best to stay grounded. Amazingly, my blood pressure is the lowest that it has ever been! I’m surprisingly relaxed about dramas, especially involving my family. I just don’t care. I don’t have room to care, not with this happening. I told the husband that he doesn’t understand, it won’t really hit him until he sees her and holds her. That’s when it’ll click and his mind will snap into parent mode. I’m already there because I’m constantly bombarded with the fact that not only am I growing a human, I’m responsible for her safety and health, even now. It’s huge.

It’s totally cheesy and ridiculous, I never thought it would be possible, but I love my husband more now than I ever have before. There’s always been a barrier there, a way to keep myself safe. I don’t trust easily and while I’m incredibly passionate about my emotions, I always hold a part of myself back. No one gets me 100%, no one–not even my family, not my grandparents, and especially not my parents. But I feel it crumbling and while it’s terrifying… I’m strangely okay with it, because I know that it’s necessary. Because I can’t do that with my child–there can be no walls. They get me, 100% and more… nothing less. It’s amazing how little the stuff you thought was a big deal matters in the grander scheme of things.

I’m scared shitless, I won’t lie. I won’t say that I’m ‘glowing’ or ‘walking on air’… I’m terrified. This is all so new and fast and overwhelming. I don’t know how anyone could be anything but frightened. It doesn’t help that we hadn’t really prepared ourselves for it, either. It was a far-off thing that maybe would happen and if it did, much further in the year… not now. Yikes. But it isn’t a bad fear. I’m not crippled by it, more like it makes me accountable, it forces me to face down things I otherwise wouldn’t and cut through the bullshit. This isn’t about just me anymore and it sure as shit isn’t about the stupid people in my life that can’t be adults. It’s bigger and much more important.

I just hope that everything is healthy and okay. Such a silly thing that everyone says, but it’s true. There’s always that nagging fear that something will go wrong. I held my breath at the beginning of the ultrasound, not because of the gender reveal, but because I was scared they would find something abnormal. They didn’t. Phew. Now we just need to survive the next round of tests!

Procrastination

Instead of working on cleaning, I’m sitting here on the laptop while my Pandora randomly plays from my multitude of stations over our very awesome surround sound. We’ve wanted this since we got married. It was the husband’s huge Christmas gift and celebration of finally having a home of our very own. Honestly, I think I get more use out of it than he does.

I got my anniversary present early–my very own 40mm “pancake lens” for my camera. I saw reviews on it and instantly fell in love. As much as I LOVE having a variety of lenses and I’m beyond addicted to the bokeh my 50mm blesses me with, I know that with a baby in our near future, if I want pictures I need something effortless and relatively weightless. Enter in this beauty. I can’t wait to take it for a spin in Arizona. It will make such a good “wandering around Key West” lens, too. My other lenses are “mid-quality”, so they’re heavy because of the metal parts. Still not as heavy as a full-scale quality lens, though. Those are absolute beasts!

The outside cat that roams the neighborhood has adopted the husband as his surrogate owner. That was all well and good until dead birds and other such things started turning up at the foot of the stairs of our back deck. Husband caught him with a live chipmunk hanging out of his mouth, too. He knocked it out and chased the poor thing off. I told the husband, it’s too late; he’s got a serial killing cat on his payroll now. I really don’t want it killing my birds. This is putting a HUGE damper on my ideas of having a bird bath and a lovely yard filled with wonderful birds, sigh. I’m not a fan of “outside cats.” Do NOT throw your cat outside for others to deal with just because you’re a terrible pet owner and “don’t want it inside anymore.” Find someone else to take it in. This poor cat ACTS like an inside cat, is very lovey and vocal–not feral at all. I don’t want to dislike it, but I also don’t want it killing my damn birds.

I’m sixteen weeks now and the “bad” symptoms are starting to taper off. I still can’t dig into my old menu of loves and I’m getting a little worried that my taste buds may be irreparably damaged. As someone with what I’ve designated “food OCD” who is also extremely picky, this is not good news. I panic even thinking about it. I like what I eat, I really do not want to have to go through the hell of “trying new things.” I’m not one of those people. My brain doesn’t work like that. Ugh.

We leave for Arizona at 5:30am. I’ll be on a plane, hopefully not ridiculously tired, and headed towards Chicago where we then head off towards Arizona. Nevermind all the bad weather and wildfires, sigh. I’m really hoping this trip isn’t a bust because the husband is super excited and he needs this. Work has been awful for him lately.

The TastyKake Krimpets I had are wearing off, so I guess it’s time to find some food. Hopefully I get some amazing pictures in Arizona.

Getting There

Ugh. How has it almost been a month since I posted last? I’ve been having such issue doing anything that isn’t vegging out on the couch watching marathons of Criminal Minds or L&O: Criminal Intent. Moving around, sitting at the computer, pretty much everything just exhausts me. Work is the worst. I come home and I’m wiped. Cleaning? HA HA! Not happening… zzzzz.

I worked at Macy’s last night for the first time in over a month and I came home absolutely beat. I worked all day at my main job and then that one for only three hours. Still, my body acts like I’m back to being my out of shape, forty pounds heavier self. It’s sad. All that exercise and everything for nothing. I huff and puff trying to keep up with the husband’s quick pace these days.

I’m fifteen weeks along now. Things are improving, albeit is slowly. I’m still not gaining any weight, but the baby is growing. Our anatomy scan is scheduled for June 11th. I’m crossing my fingers for all good news. I’m still pretty ambivalent and cranky about everything, but that’s my modus operandi for life. You’ll rarely find me excited or bouncing around about anything. Pity my future children; I’m a big sour puss.

We went to Pennsylvania last weekend and that was nice, though I didn’t see my mum at all. You’d think that having a grandchild on the way would suddenly make one re-evaluate their current lifestyle, but no. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve got bigger things in life to focus on now. It’s not my job to take care of my parents. Amazing that it’s taken me around twenty-eight years to become okay with that little fact.

The gnawing hunger is probably the worst part of this whole pregnancy thing. I’m still suffering extreme food aversion, but no one has told the tapeworm currently residing in my womb that. I’m hungry all the time. I ate an entire bag of cheese curls in ten minutes at work. My coworkers were laughing. It was not a pretty sight. I’ll be so happy when I can snack better and actually eat things. I’m still surviving mainly off smoothies and one of the three things I can eat. Unfortunately, none of them are very filling at all.

While the hunger might be the worst part, the headaches from tiredness or sitting up too long come in at a close second. I was never really someone who suffered headaches. It’s probably because I refused to medicate them. I’d just let them subside naturally and so I think they just gave up. That’s not the case now. Any sort of prolonged activity or sitting up (like I’m doing now) and especially focusing on things results in headaches located in weird parts of my skull. It’s annoying.

I don’t tell the husband about most of my symptoms, because he’s a worrier. I was having some typical things happening last night that tends to happen when pregnant people spend three hours standing, walking, and whatnot. He was ready to take me to the ER. I had to continually tell him that it’s only a huge issue if it’s bright red or you’re cramping. I was having neither issue other than I was tired and wanted to lie the fuck down.

This baby can also decide it likes chocolate at any time. I’m tired of chocolate tasting like used coffee grounds.

We leave for Arizona this coming weekend. I am not prepared.

Week 11

Week 11

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We had our first Ultrasound last Tuesday. It was really… strange. I mean, there’s this little thing moving around on the screen and it’s inside my body. We both just sort of gaped at it for awhile. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen; this wasn’t because of the ‘miracle of life’ but more just “holy crap, that’s in my body?!”

Everything is good so far. There have been no markers for concern or anything. My next appointment is in May, the day before we leave to visit Pennsylvania. I’m hoping against hope that going into the 2nd trimester, I’ll lose this ridiculous food aversion and nausea. Even just the thought of just eating makes me want to throw up. Pretty much all foods look/taste disgusting to me. It’s really annoying since I’m so damned hungry all of the time, which makes the nausea that much worse.

Husband’s birthday was yesterday–he’s thirty-one now! We had a wedding to go to, so there wasn’t a whole lot of birthday celebrating. We went out to eat with his parents on Friday, though. He wants a grill, but he’s still trying to narrow down what he wants. We came back from the wedding and ended up buying some flowers that we planted. It was the first time I’d been up for 12 hours without a nap. Needless to say, I crashed hard. I’m still tired today. Clearly, I’m not quite up to acting like a normal person yet.

Really not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. It’s just so exhausting. I feel so much better being home and able to just rest/nap when I need to. Work just exasperates it and I’m having a HUGE issue with lunch. All my usual lunch options are out of the question. I almost threw up choking one of them down on Friday, sigh. I am at a complete loss as to what I can eat and it’s really frustrating.

I’ve had a few times where I haven’t been able to sleep. I end up on the couch, crying because I’m so damned miserable. I really sucks. I know pregnancy isn’t supposed to be amazingly awesome, but I’m feeling more and more despondent as time goes on. Faking a smile for everyone is getting annoying, too.  NO I am not having the best time of my life, NO this is not “amazing”, and FUCK YOU for eating delicious food I can’t even bother trying to taste because they make my stomach roll even though, mentally, I WANT them. Ugh.

Unfortunately, the most prevalent emotions with this pregnancy have been anger, frustration, and sadness. I’d love to just be able to EAT. That would be awesome. I’m sick of eating the same cereal, over and over again. It’s starting to not be enough to keep me going.

Whining about it is just making me more agitated. Hopefully I’ll have better news in the coming weeks.

So, it’s Official

Pregnancy sucks. I feel like I have a tapeworm sapping every ounce of energy I have. All I’ve done for the past two weeks is sleep. I go to work, I come home, I sleep, I wake up to barely eat something, and then I sleep some more. The fatigue is slowly wearing off, but my inability to eat is getting progressively worse. Everything smells awful and tastes worse. It’s horrible. I’ve had two giant ‘breakdowns’ of crying and self-pity because I’m so frustrated that I can’t just eat. I’ve only thrown up once and that was because I accidentally caught a grape stem (which smells hideous and tastes worse to me right now.)

When I went to the doctor a week ago, I was put at 8 weeks. I’m 9 weeks now and I’ve got my 10 week appointment on Thursday after work. I was completely gobsmacked. The nurse kept telling me all of this information and I’m just sitting there, staring at her, five shades whiter than I already am (which is a fucking feat, let me tell you.) I felt so completely overwhelmed and unprepared. I’m feeling a little better now, but it doesn’t seem any more real. I think the heartbeat will be the moment the shit truly hits the fan. I’m hoping it’ll be this Thursday.

Everyone knows now. The husband was telling everyone he could. I understand his excitement, but all I can think of is that we’re not yet out of the clear and anything could happen. I don’t really want to explain a miscarriage to everyone who works in the building with us. Of course, as a man, he has this completely hopeful outlook that “everything will work out and be fine.” Tell that to the alien in my gut trying to kill me from the inside.

My cousin is a week ahead of me and even though she’s experiencing some sickness with this pregnancy (her third), she’s still able to eat all of the things. I am ridiculously jealous. There are no words for just how jealous I am. I’ve lost weight instead of gained it, which is fine… but I can’t work out because I’m too damned tired and I’m always hungry because I can hardly eat anything at all. I’ve got constant nausea and I can’t eat any of the things that assuage it because crackers, pretzels, and all things associated taste like an ashtray.  I’m so ready for this part to be over.

My father-in-law has gone full ‘Tim the Tool-man Taylor’ mode. He is intent to fix ALL OF THE THINGS immediately. He was out in the rain working on our deck the weekend before last. I couldn’t get him to come inside for anything. Next project is staining the deck (they replaced ALL of the rotted railing) and then stripping the painted over wallpaper in the room that will be the baby’s.

Husband has been pulling all the slack. He’s done everything but laundry. He cooks, he cleans, and he takes care of my cranky ass. He deserves a medal. I’d probably just choke him with it. Better not give him a medal just yet.

We’re going to see my family in May and then it’s off to Arizona at the end of May. We rescheduled Key West for July (tentatively) because the baby is due November 6th and we don’t want any traveling at the end of the pregnancy. Sigh.

We’re still having the random realizations that come with this life-changing event. Yesterday, I nearly sobbed because I realized these were our last few months to go to a restaurant baby-free and I can’t even go in restaurants right now because of the smells!

Ugh. This hormone roller coaster sucks, I want off.