Loss

Sometimes, I forget that it even happened. It slips from my mind so easily, like a ghost of a memory that I only have a vague recollection of. I didn’t want to write about it. I hesitated to give it permanence. But then, it is permanent. Even now, I struggle with that concept–that it happened, that it was real. It all feels so very surreal in ways I can’t possibly begin to explain. I’m desperate to ask, to question… is this normal? Does everyone suffer this way afterwards… or is it just a product of my already broken mind?

It’s easy to try and quantify it, as if that gives it more gravitas. It took nearly eight months and in the blink of an eye, its gone, never truly having had a chance to begin. It came so suddenly and left quicker than a blink. Perhaps that’s why I struggle with it. It doesn’t seem tangible and yet… it happened. To me. Worse things I have endured and yet I struggle with this one the most.

I realized, suddenly, last week that this is now not only a part of my personal history, but my medical history, as well. From now on, I will have to note it on all of my forms. A constant reminder. As if what lingers in my mind, in my heart, isn’t enough. The disappointment, the guilt, the anger… all of these things are so much more tangible to me than the actual event.

But it happened. To me.

It’s a mantra I repeat, in an effort to heal, to grow. I remember feeling as if perhaps the world felt like giving me a pass. Maybe this was my real birthday gift. I found out the day after we returned home from Pennsylvania, the Monday after Thanksgiving. I woke up early and I remember staring at the lines and just being puzzled. Is this real? It didn’t feel real. It wasn’t like before, when the world felt like it was falling in on me all at once. I felt a sense of detachment that I should have known did not bode well. I hesitated to tell my husband, keeping the secret tucked tightly against my chest.

I told him when I felt like it was safe, but even then, the words didn’t feel real. None of it did.

A week later, it began. I was hopeful. It was slight. Surely, everything was fine. This sort of thing didn’t actually happen, right? Not to me. I’d been burned enough, scarred enough. But what is enough? There are always new possibilities, new ways in which we can be damaged. And yet I hoped.

It got to the point where hope was no longer an option. I called once, the Thursday before the weekend. I was given assurances and passing advice. I spent the weekend in quiet turmoil. I kept my husband in the loop, unable to brave the possibility alone. We both kept telling ourselves that we only had two weeks until my appointment and that everything was fine–would be fine.

Then, the following Monday, it began. Fear coiled around me like a snake, seizing hold and refusing to let go. I called and they rushed me in. Blood was taken with promises of a full panel and assurances that it would be okay. People who didn’t know showed joy at my return, their faces falling only when they observed my somber expression. I held it together, even when they did the ultrasound and then when they did the vaginal ultrasound. Christmas music played in the background. My ultrasound technician was wearing a jolly elf outfit. The room was dim.

My husband’s face paled as she took the measurements, the observation screen turned off. She asked me to confirm my due date, keeping her tone even. I knew the question was a bad one, however. I knew. His panic attack heightened as she left, giving us no answer but: “someone will be in to talk with you.”

I cleaned myself up and tried to rouse my husband. He was white, eyes vacant, sweat rolling down his face. When the doctor came in, he was still trying to recover. I sat and listened as the doctor explained that they’d found a fetal pole and a perfectly sized sac, but no heartbeat. That could be normal. It could all be normal. There was still hope.

But I had no hope. My hope had died the moment I looked at the screen after the ultrasound tech had left us alone. The photos were still up on the screen. I remember just staring at them. I can still see it in my head now, a perfectly persevered photo of something that would never be.

I was fine until I had to sit, alone, and have my blood work taken. Without my husband there to care for, I broke down, tears spilling out with no way to stop them. I felt awful, disturbing the blood tech, but it me so suddenly.

I took that day and the next off work. I raged, I screamed, I cried until I was breathless. When my daughter came home, I tried acting as normally as possible, but she still clung to me, reluctant to leave my side. I snuggled her as much as I could, hating when she went to bed and I was once more left to face what was happening, still dumbfounded and confused.

I went back for two more blood draws over the next few weeks. The bleeding intensified, becoming one of the worst ‘periods’ of my life. The pain was passable, but my anemia was triggered by the bleeding and I spent the two weeks in both an emotional haze and a physical one. I went about life normally, ghosting through work and daily activities. I explained away my doctor’s visits with tales of my anemia and complications therein.

At the last blood draw, I requested that I be informed of the results. We were leaving for Florida and I needed to know before I left the state for over a week. I didn’t want to go, honestly. Christmas seemed such a hollow concept. I muddled through everything, my mind absent, my soul fraying at the edges. I put on the guise of being okay and sometimes, I even believed it. But then the reality would hit me and I’d realize–it happened.

It hit me hard the Friday before we left, when I was emailed my results. Looking at the levels declining, I was given a timeline of my loss. My heart broke, the medical confirmation so much harder to bare than my gut feeling. I cried in my office, alone, thankfully, due to the Christmas holiday. I remember showing my husband and feeling upset, but okay. It was strange.

It’s only been a few weeks and I still am in the throes of grief. It comes and goes, each time getting a little better. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll weather it. Even now, as I type this, I know this. But it doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t stop the pain that follows when I realize that I had been pregnant–pregnant enough to vomit, to feel tired–and then I wasn’t. The symptoms were gone in a blink, and that’s when I knew. That’s when I called.

Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Confusion. There are no other words, no explanations. It simply was and then it wasn’t. I struggle with the concept, with the reality of what’s happened and that it happened to me. How, why? Why, of all my previous tragedies, does this one seem the least fathomable?

This will never be a topic of conversation for me; it will never pass idly from my lips. I will note it on my forms, I will store it in my mind, and I will acknowledge it because it deserves that, it deserves to be remembered. But I don’t feel the need to talk about it at length–I don’t want to express my pain, my loss, with anyone else. I’m not ashamed, I’m not scared, I’m just… numb.

Every day gets better. Eventually, I’ll be better. Right now, I’m powered down and running on autopilot. This past weekend has been my best yet. This first time I’ve cried in days has been right now–typing this–and it’s a release. These tears are a release, not an expression of agony or inner-turmoil. I feel somewhat vindicated by them, as if the weight lessens each time I allow myself to simply feel.

Every time I forget and remember, it begins anew, but each time, lessening in its intensity. The weight feels a little lighter, a little easier to heft. The concept still eludes me, still dances on the edge of my periphery, but it is fact, whether my mind wants to accept it or not.

It happened. To me.

At six weeks pregnant… I lost something that was never meant to be.

I had a miscarriage.

Key West 2017

Key West 2017

We went to Key West again (the in-laws go several times a year and we usually go October or July) and Evangeline was so excited. I’m not sure if it’s the palm trees or getting to be with her grandparents for an entire week, but she loves the trip. She does amazing on planes. I’m so happy she travels well.

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We were there during the fourth of July but didn’t go see the fireworks. Father-in-law didn’t want to spend money keeping a car all week since we were at the condo downtown during the first half, so we had to walk everywhere. Fireworks scare Evangeline, anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. We still had a blast. It’s so much fun seeing her explore and discover places we love.

We went to a local deli that’s owned by a former New Yorker and everyone there is so friendly. They were immediately enamored with Evangeline and even brought her out free fruit and cookies. Our waitress absconded with her and let her “ring up” our check, as well. Things like this make me love visiting. There’s so many local, awesome places.

The downtown condo is great because almost everything is easily accessible. We even made the trek across the island to one of my favorite spots, the Butterfly Conservatory, but Evangeline wasn’t as impressed by it this year as she was last year (which was disappointing.) Instead, she enjoyed the aquarium. She kept talking about sharks and making a motion with her arms while saying, “chomp!” Too cute.

She spent a lot of time roaming around and with the in-laws in the pool. There were a lot of condo events. I spent those napping, usually. Sitting out in the sun is not something I’m into.

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The husband and I went snorkeling, but he got sick and went back to the boat. The waves were pretty rough but I had a blast. We didn’t see nearly the amount of cool stuff or fish as the time we went a few years ago, but it was still awesome. I can’t wait until we can take Evangeline with us on the boat!

We had a sunset sail and dinner at our favorite Cuban place down there for our anniversary, which is pretty much a tradition at this point. I always love when we spend it down there but the heat, ugh. October is so much cooler!

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Evangeline has really grown to love the beach. We didn’t get a chance to go until nearly our last day there, but it was worth it. We were in Key West for longer than a week this time, so we had to switch condos. We went to the one on the Windward side of the island, which we hadn’t been to for several years. It’s my second favorite and the recent updates made it even better. We even got a princess balcony! I wish we had it longer… sigh.

We stayed up late one night, long after Evangeline had gone to bed (in the in-laws bed, no less), and played the game ‘Keep Talking and No One Gets Hurt’. It was a lot of fun with the in-laws! So funny to see their reactions. Father-in-law got really into it. We had a blast.

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There’s also a shuffleboard area at the condo, so we messed around with it a bit. Evangeline just liked scooting the pucks back and forth. It was funny watching father-in-law and my husband trying to instruct her on the proper way to ‘shuffle.’

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We set off on our own and left the in-laws behind on our last full day in Key West to go to my other favorite place, The Dolphin Research Center! I was so excited for Evangeline to see it again. She loved the dolphins and they were super active! Unfortunately, as was on trend for our vacations this summer, a big storm came in and we had to leave as they shut down the center due to lighting. Sigh.

We had a very early flight and so we spent the rest of our time hanging out in the pool or condo. The airport is right next door so early in the morning, we packed up, and walked the short distance while it was still very dark out. It was quite the eventful trip! I’m so sad that it will be over a year until we’re there again, but the husband and I agreed that we’re ready to branch out and go other places. We want to do some smaller trips. The airfare cost of flying into Key West is incredibly steep.

I really try not to take for granted how fortunate we are to get this opportunity. It’s only through the in-laws that we are able to travel to what would normally be a pretty pricey place. I’ve been going with them since I started dating my husband, and that’s nearly a decade now, so it’s so cool to visit somewhere I’m familiar with.

It makes my heart happy to know that Evangeline is getting opportunities to broaden her horizons at such a young age. I just hope we can keep it up. I never want to her to lack for experiences. Every time we come back from a trip, it’s like her brain has absorbed everything and grown leaps and bounds.

 

Evangeline’s Second Trip to Disney

Evangeline's Second Trip to Disney

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We went to Florida in June and Evangeline got to actually stay “in” Disney. My Aunt got a deal at the Swan & Dolphin hotel. We arrived in Florida, hung out, and then headed out towards Disney. We stayed the night, got up in the morning, and went to Animal Kingdom.

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We had the safari fast pass first thing, which Evangeline enjoyed. We got to see the baby elephant, which was really cool! All in all, I loved Animal Kingdom. The newly opened Pandora area was quite cool. We did the one water ride, which was atmospheric and not at all scary (which my husband thought it would be for her.)

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My Aunt bowed out and went back to the hotel, enabling us to move at a pace we’re more comfortable with. We’re both pretty in tune and travel well without having to discuss things. It’s only when you introduce “outsiders” that we run into issues/etc trying to accommodate them. So we set off and took in as much as we possibly could before we got rained out…

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The next day was a lot of fun because GiGi and Gramps joined us (my step-grandmother and my paternal grandfather.) They met us at the gate to The Magic Kingdom and we were off. Our first stop was visiting Rapunzel and Tiana. Evangeline was insistent that she meet Rapunzel, her new favorite princess.

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She loves Princess and the Frog, too. Clearly she has amazing taste in Disney movies as those are two of the best ones released lately. We spent a good amount of time in The Magic Kingdom riding rides and just wandering around. I’m not a huge fan of how much busier it was in June versus November. I’d definitely come back in the “off” season… it was kind of a pain with all the people and dodging rain.

We had a fast pass for the one small rollercoaster…. Goofy’s Barnstormer. Unfortunately, I great underestimated it. Evangeline rode with my husband and screamed the entire time, “all done! All done!” Poor thing. I was with my step-grandmother, simultaneously shocked by how intense it was and horrified that I’d probably scarred my kid for life.

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She enjoyed the other rides, thankfully. We went on Dumbo again, we rode the train around the park. Of course she had to get on the carousel. We ate at the Pinocchio-themed restaurant, which was an overcrowded nightmare! I definitely understand why I saw people toting coolers/etc. If it were just us, we’d have a planned out route/etc, but my family is a bit more… whimsical.

We wanted to see the parade, but it got delayed due to rain. We were going to leave but it started up and so we stayed. Evangeline loved it. I’m definitely glad I persevered. We had a lot of fun, despite the weather. That was our last day there, we had checked out of the hotel that morning, so we headed back to my grandparents house and spent the rest of the time just enjoying the rest of our vacation.

I’m continually surprised and amazed by how well Evangeline handles things at such a young age. Despite all the activity and excitement, we didn’t have any epic meltdowns. She even remembered her first visit and she hadn’t even turned two yet! You never think about toddlers that young taking in and remembering things, but she’s a sponge. When we took her last time, I never imagined she’d be able to recognize it or know where she was and she did. When we were going through The Magic Kingdom this time, she recalled where she’d been and what she’d rode–specifically the Dumbo ride.

It’s so fun watching her grow and see what catches her eye or her attention.

Thanksgiving in PA 2016

Thanksgiving in PA 2016

We traveled to Pennsylvania to spend Thanksgiving there. It’s my family’s year for Thanksgiving but given everything that’s happened, we really weren’t planning on going up. My dad called me a week or so before and told me that his wife and her kids would be away and that he’d be on his own, so that’s all I needed. We made an impromptu trip and got to spend a few days with my dad, alone, before his wife returned. It was really nice. I haven’t had time with my dad like that nor seen him act normal in years.

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I was originally worried about how our now-two-year-old would handle the almost seven hour trip, but she did fairly well! We left early from work, picked up Evangeline, and packed up the car. We made pretty good time and Evangeline took a nap. I think we rolled into my dad’s house at around seven or so.

We arrived the night before Thanksgiving, so when we woke up, it was turkey time. Evangeline, unfortunately, had a very disrupted car ride due to the trip so she woke up around 5am… my dad was up, too. We watched television and talked; Evangeline actually went back to bed and then dad started cooking. All-in-all, it was a pretty good Thanksgiving with only minimal drama. My dad’s wife’s daughter came over… and that was weird. Sigh.

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Evangeline really enjoyed spending time with my dad. It was nice to get a lot of alone time with him where he had the ability to just interact with Evangeline and not worry or be interrupted by anyone else. I’m definitely glad we went up!

We went out on Black Friday and had lunch. We did a little shopping… and dad even picked out boots for Evangeline, which was hilarious. She really loves those boots, too. When we finished, Evangeline had a nap and then it was off to see my other family members.

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We did Evangeline’s birthday and Christmas with everyone up there on Friday since we wouldn’t be back any time soon. Evangeline got a ton of stuff! We spent several hours with my grandparents and my mother, where they watched her open up her gifts. The atmosphere has definitely changed and when I sit in that room and remember how it used to be, it’s painful… but I also remember that it was kind of a lie. It’s better now, even if it’s different. We stopped by again so they could see her some more early Saturday before her nap.

I was pleasantly surprised that there was very little drama and my family seems to have taken a huge step back. It’s about time. I felt in control of the situation and things were definitely more on my terms this time.

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I got to see my cousin a bit after Evangeline’s nap on Saturday. She played with my cousin’s kids and we just kind of hung out. It was nice. Things aren’t the same as they used to be and they never will be; I left. Nothing can be the same now. But that’s okay, as I’m much happier than I ever would have been had I stayed. I no longer question my choice.

All-in-all it was a pretty good visit. It wasn’t great when my dad’s wife returned, but that’s fine. It took us forever to get the cigarette smoke out of our clothes/etc, though… which was just awful. Dad said he was going to try and visit, but we’ll see.

Two Years Old

Two Years Old

img_6102My sweet baby girl is officially two-years-old! We had a pretty low-key day on Saturday (our actual birthday)–we had to move her party to Sunday so father-in-law could attend. He was able to get out of work early enough to go out to dinner, which was nice! Evangeline and I shared a piece of tasty cake and we all had a nice evening. The in-laws bought me a cute pair of earrings and gave me a $50 giftcard to Ulta, which is pretty awesome. They don’t typically do presents, so I was pretty surprised!

For Evangeline’s birthday, we didn’t go all out. It was just a very small gathering with some Elsa-themed decorations. I had her cake made by a local bakery which I picked up the Friday we returned home… it was a cute little cake and quite delicious, too!

I’m not hugely great with parties and my birthday has always been a pretty dismal time, so I am trying my best to make every birthday for Evangeline special, even if it’s not a huge affair. Intimate, family gatherings can be nice, too!

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I was so happy when Evangeline woke up from her nap and saw all of the decorations in the kitchen! She stepped into the room and just stopped and stared. Her little voice said: “Oooh, woooow…” it was too precious. The in-laws had inflated the balloons and then come to the house shortly before she woke up. I couldn’t have timed it better. Even more surprising was the fact that they didn’t just bring the one gift that I had hand-picked and told them to get (they requested this, I am not a control-freak) but others they had picked out themselves!

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Evangeline actually blew out her candles! I had to re-light them and take photos again because my camera wasn’t being cooperative and even so, ended up with sub-par photos… sigh. All my own fault, of course. If I hadn’t been an idiot and drained our bank account, I’d have my camera and we wouldn’t be having financial issues right now but I digress…

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She opened presents with a little help from grandpa. He would rip a tiny part of the present and then Evangeline would feel confident finishing it off. Without that, she’d just hold it up helplessly and say, “help, help.” It’s so cute and helpful that she can vocalize these things now.

We didn’t go overly crazy with birthday presents. She got a big present, some books, and two little presents along with some character sweaters she’d love. The Elsa outfit she wore I had bought at the Disney store months before. I’d forgotten how freaking cute it is. I can’t wait for her to wear it again!

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She had a piece of cake that she didn’t finish, because she’s her father’s daughter and isn’t terribly into typical sweets. The cake was freaking delicious, though. The blue icing also wasn’t messy at all. It didn’t stain or show on your lips or teeth. I seriously love that bakery. They custom-mixed the color to match Elsa!

I’m so happy and thankful that her birthday went off without a hitch for another year. She had a great time playing with her grandma and grandpa; we even went out for pizza for dinner, which she absolutely loves! I just can’t get over the fact that she’s two now… I cleaned out her closet, packing up all my breastfeeding things, the bottles, and her baby items. That was rough. Even though I’m just packing them away right now, there’s a very really possibility I will never use these things again and even worse, that time with her is forever over. Ugh. Right through the heart.