I’m being a huge, beyond belief dick to everyone and I know I need to stop. I just need to step back, close my eyes, and breathe deeply. I want to just completely disconnect and cut all ties, but that’s an impulsive urge and I know I’d come to regret it. I’ve gotten a lot better about pulling that shit. I just need to set my jaw and wade through it. I just feel like I’m drowning. I feel so completely overwhelmed and stressed… even the smallest things just set me off. I either want to rage or I want to break down and cry. I’m not big on crying, period. So this does not go over well with my psyche.
I’ve tried talking to the fiance about it, to maybe try to exercise away the things that are annoying me and maybe causing me a bit too much duress, but he doesn’t get it. To him, it shouldn’t be this complicated… but to me, it is. And it causes me all kinds of crazy stress. I just don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.
My dad’s travel arrangements are all made. I did that this morning. I called my rich, estranged grandfather and invited him to my wedding. He made some vague mention about how he hasn’t been the most “involved” grandfather but I’ve always been in his prayers. Which my jaded, terrible self calls bullshit on and just makes me even more moody. I just don’t even know anymore. I’m going through terrible mood swings. One moment I’m excited, the next I just, I don’t know. I feel depressed. I don’t like these seemingly manic changes. I’ve always been a bit off-kilter, but it’s becoming more erratic and unpredictable. Reigning in the crazy isn’t as easy as it used to be.
I know I have issues, plenty of them. I have tons of demons and skeletons buried in my closet. Who doesn’t? I have compulsions, rituals, things that need to be a certain way for me to function. I just can’t seem to get a handle on any of it anymore. I feel like those insane people who get hauled off to the seventh floor. I don’t feel like I belong there, but I just feel so out of control. It’s bringing out my compulsions and things worse, because it’s all fueled by control issues. I’m a control-freak. I plan, I make lists, itineries, schedules… which makes no sense, because I’m also impulsive. I am a ridiculous contradiction and I confuse people regularly, especially my fiance.
Sometimes, it’s like talking to a wall. I love him, but I don’t think he’ll ever truly understand me. I don’t think we’ll ever completely have that bond, where I can run to him and spout off and everything can be perfect again. He just looks at me like I’m nuts and I can’t bear it.
We’re meeting with a Church of Christ pastor/preacher whatever they call them tomorrow, hopefully, and we’ll have that all set and done. Last, but not least, alterations. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid I’m too crazy. I’m afraid I’m just like everyone else in my family and completely inept and doomed to fail, at everything; bound to mess something up beyond repair, mess someone else up by bringing them down with my insanity.
I’ve gotten better, but you can’t fix genetics, can you? I’ve had twenty-two years of being raised to be crazy, of being surrounded by it, of being forced to embrace it, having others bring it out even more with their ignorance and hypocrisy. It sucks. I’ve only been gone a little over a year. Gonna need a damn long time to completely reprogram myself, if I even can.
I should be sleeping right now, but I’ve even fallen backwards into a very old habit — insomnia. I lie down and my mind just goes. I get worked up, anxious, irritable, insane. I can’t sleep, I can’t coax myself to sleep. My old, tried and true method no longer works, my mind running miles a minute, calculating, postulating all these insane variables that don’t truly matter, but my compulsions are returning tenfold… like a tidal wave and I’m drowning in them.
I know I need help, but I seriously don’t know where to look. All I really have now is my fiance and he just can’t understand. I keep hoping it’ll go away, that it’s just pre-wedding jitters, etc… but it’s so much more. It’s a complete undoing of all the progress I’ve made and I don’t know why it’s happening. I just feel like I’m being torn apart at the seams.