Laying Blame

I hate that I don’t use this nearly as much as I want to.  It’s mostly due to the fact that my fiancé is almost always around and so it is pretty impossible to try and type up something coherent.  I love him to death, but I need a place to vent when he’s pissing me off and a part of myself that’s still private (even though, ashamedly, most parts are).  I guess I could also blame the fact that I don’t really know what to write about.  I’m not trying to be profound or witty, I’m just trying to catalogue these hectic years so I can look back and go, “wow.”

In unrelated news, I’ve just spent $60 at Aerie for workout stuff.  I did check Old Navy first, but I can’t stand working out in full pants.  I like the stretchy-capri things.  I’ve spent a bit too much this month and it’s hardly over.  We won’t even go into it.  Anyway, the point is, my fiancé is in dire need of exercise.  I love him beyond a physical level, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stand by while he acquires a little pudge.  I warned him before we began dating, if you want me to continue looking nice then put a little effort into yourself, too.  He used to be lean, healthy muscle and very attractive physically–like a runner or a swimmer.  Now?  Well, he doesn’t exercise at all, except all the walking at work.  His legs are still the same.

He whines when I tell him to work out.  No time, he doesn’t want to do it alone, excuses, excuses.  So, I told him, fine, nevermind the fact I have a severe problem with cardio workouts.  I will do it with you because honestly, I can’t take it anymore.  I’m not perfectly fit, either, but I’ve got a rack and an ass.  Both of which he is extremely fond of.  What am I extremely fond of?  Abs.  Where are they?!  I’m more into pilates and low-intensity work outs, but I can perhaps manage a bit on the elliptical before I feel the need to pass out.  I’m going to work out a regime and make him stick to it.

I also need to get my nose to the grindstone involving wedding stuff.  We’ve got both condos scheduled so we can supplant ourselves and my dad (possibly drunkard mum, too, sigh).  Now I need to look into venues, get shoes, secure wedding bands, etc.  Exhausting.  I wish my fiancé wasn’t so retarded that he had to take babysteps into everything.  I’m sick of being the one who steps up.  I’m too dysfunctional.

Reflection 2008

So, another year is over.  Wow.  I know it’s terribly cliche, but seriously, the passage of time seems… so… I don’t know, intangible.  I’m one of those ‘time freaks’.  Do you know the type?  I try to memorize and commit every single moment to memory, down to the point where earlier today, I was reflecting on what I did a week ago at the exact same time.  Yes, I’m strange.  We know this.  Anyway, so you can imagine how this… monumentous occassion–the new year–can kind of mess with my head.  It will take me quite awhile to adjust.

Another cliche thing I’m going to indulge myself in is reflecting back.  Why?  Because this is my blog and, as I said, I try to commit everything to memory.  Also, because this past year… it’s felt like an entire decade of experiences all wrapped up into one.  I mean, I’ve gone through a huge transition since my fiancé and I first began dating over two years ago, but this past year has been insane.  I was home at this time, home, in Pennsylvania.  That was my home, no one could argue that.  That was my home, I lived there, and I thought that would never change.  It did, just two months later, in March.

That’s when I got a job down here and began staying with my in-laws.  That’s when my fiancé and I really took the leap and had to deal with one another for more than a week or two at a time.  That’s when I learned that family, love, and all that… it extends past blood.  That it exists, within families, sans strife and hatred.  At this time, last year, my in-laws were friendly strangers to me… now, I don’t know what they are.  But I love them all the same.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without their support and guidance.  Last year, I missed my fiancé, but I coveted my alone time.  Now?  Without him, I don’t know what I’d do.  I miss him when he’s at work and I’m not.  As creepy as it sounds, we’ve essentially become one person.  We still have our individual identities, but I know him better than anyone else probably ever will.  I know what he’s thinking or feeling before he does.  Without him, I kind of feel… hollow.

I was a different person last year.  I was still anxious, still plagued by horrible bouts of social-anxiety to the point where venturing into Wal-Mart was a trial.  I wasn’t very confident, too weighted by the opinions of my family.  I was lost, less so than my teen years, but still trying to figure things out.  But I’ve made leaps and bounds since then.  I can go places alone, I can pay my own way, I can do my own thing.  I buy what I like and what I want to.  When I go home, and my mum snarkily says I’m getting fat, I laugh at her and just keep walking.  I’ve always had thick skin, but now?  It’s as if I don’t even hear them, because I know they’re not true.  I’m not fat, and while my legs may be not be long and lovely like most girls, I’m happy with who I am.  Anorexic thin may be in, but hourglass is timeless.  It’s something I’ve learned… away from all the negative influences, away from the constant pressure to be something and someone I’m not.  I’m me, in all my aggressive, classic glory.  I am who I am.

It’s so amazing to me, because even though 2008 was big, this year will be bigger.  The fiancé will be working for the State Police and me?  I’ll have a real job, too.  We’ll be real adults and we’ll hopefully be on our true own for the first time in both our lives.  By this time next year, my name will have changed.  Never again will my initials read the same as my mother’s.  I’ll be able to say I got married in Key West and I’ll be happy because I no longer feel guilty for being with my fiancé, despite my values.

I don’t want to wish this year away, nor the experiences it will bring… but I can’t wait.  I’m so ready, I’ve been ready.  It’s time.  I used to be so concerned with moving forward, with doing this and that, with planning everything.  Now?  I just want to sit back and feel and experience every moment.

2009 is going to be hectic.

Karma Chameleon?

So, I’ve ended up spending quite the hefty amount on the fiancé. He’s accumulated a $400 dollar graphic card of epic proportions, a keyboard that was nearly $100, and I also got him a subscription to one of his nerdy science magazines he mentioned awhile back. He’s made out very well this Christmas. Plus, well, he has me and I am an awesome girlfriend, despite my issues. Why do I say that? Well, let me tell you why.

Lately, the fiancé hasn’t been doing so well with what I call “showing the love”. Amidst his bragging about his gifts, he’s been falling short of returning the favor. Yesterday, for instance, I specifically told him what to order at the Burger King window and I still somehow ended up with only four chicken tenders to last me until 11 o’clock at night. It was around 1pm at the time. He was mortified and wanted to turn around, but I didn’t throw a fit. I said it was okay and we just needed to get to work.

Then, we get to work, after he throws a fit about parking and everything else he possibly can. Fiancé has serious road rage issues. Serious. It took us forever to find parking and when we finally did, we were relieved, but it was far off from usual. So we go in and find out that neither of us had to be there until 5 o’clock. Fiancé threw a shit fit about the manager not being able to organize schedules, and I apologized for him. After he calmed down, I told him I didn’t know why he was so pissed, he can clock on early. Me? I’m stuck sitting there. Like always. But I was joking when I said it, trying to lighten the moods. Things eventually blew over.

This has been happening for days. He’s been screwing up and falling over himself with mistakes. Now he’s stepped on my favorite $50 Victoria’s Secret bra. I loved that bra. LOVED that bra. Now it’s bent and I tried to fix it and snap nearly went the underwire. It isn’t perfect anymore, it kind of jabs me now.

During all of this, I’ve not said a word against him.  I don’t necessarily feel the need to.  None of it was truly his fault and trust me, I’m used to shit happening to me.  I am a black cat.  The only one that truly pissed me off was the bra, but again, I brushed it aside.  It’s just a bra, really.  I can always get another one…

Unfortunately, I had no idea it was going to get worse.  We decided that he’d give me my gift early, as in today.  It was a surprise, something he’d chosen on his own.  He had wanted desperately to get me the necklace, but it was, for some bizarre reason, $1,200 in the store.  Which is just retarded.  Anyway, he found something else he thought that I might like and got it for me.  This was at the end of November.  Awww, how thoughtful, right?  Wrong.  I am a horrible person to surprise.  Horrible.  You can’t surprise me.  Ten chances to one, I will hate it or dislike it.

He tried, he really did, and for anyone else?  They’d be over the moon.  It was a pretty little pendant with a considerable diamond of excellent quality, white gold, a dainty chain.  It was gorgeous… but all I could think of was, “this isn’t me at all.”  It was more… older woman, you know?  Like, a woman in her thirties or probably forties type of necklace.  It was like something my grandma would wear.  I’m a humble type of gal, I don’t like flashy stuff, and he did well on that part… but the rest?  Oh dear.

Of course, I couldn’t hide it, as best as I tried.  And he was mortified.  I comforted him, I told him it was okay, that he’d given me the gift I wanted–consideration.  He thought about me.  He didn’t make me get my own present like everyone else, he truly considered me and wanted to surprise me.  I really did appreciate it and truly, even for a materialistic person like myself, it was enough.

He was so upset.  He kept saying that I got him all these great things and here it was, four days until Christmas, and he hadn’t gotten me a thing.  He went so far as to say he ruined Christmas.  I could’ve cried.  I about did, I can’t stand it when he feels bad.  He makes me feel bad.  He kept saying we could exchange it and I said no, no.  He kept pushing and I eventually, in my own frustration at my lack of consideration for his feelings, said that he was acting like my parents.

So, yeah.  I didn’t mean it like that, but it came out and I just feel miserable and horrible.  So does he.  Merry Christmas.

My Credit Card is Crying…

So, I’ve made the majority of my Christmas purchases and now my credit card is seriously crying.  My credit card company is probably steepling its hands in collective glee, but it need not have bothered, I have the money to cover it.  I’ve been anticipating a particularly painful Christmas and while it pains me to pass up items I desperately want to buy, my inner-gift giver demands I do so.

Everyone is taken care of except for the fiancé.  My father has been bugging me forever to figure out what to get him.  I have already received my Christmas gift–a Samsung 22″ inch Widescreen SyncMaster.  Trust me, it is fabulous and it was less than what the fiancé wants.  To be fair, my dad did say we could both go in on a big gift, they just want to get him something, which is sweet.  Last year, they bought him brand new tires and for his birthday, the $200 widescreen monitor he has now.  This year, he really, really wants a very high-end graphic card.  He never indulges himself, so I demand that Christmas is his time for indulgence.  I had to fight him tooth and nail to get him to accept the monitor, he refused several times.  He wants an Nvidia Geforce GTX 280.  It’s their newest line and they are very nice.  Plus, if he gets it, I get his old card, which is very, very nice and the same as mine.  Can you say SLI?  I sure as hell can.

I am hoping the price isn’t too steep for my dad to just say he’ll take care of it.  The fiancé also wanted a keyboard, the Logitech G15, to be exact.  He’s been eyeing it forever to the point of it being downright annoying.  I’ve found it cheaper at Amazon.com, but still, after reading the reviews and looking over it.. Logitech’s G11 seems like a better option.  The lights aren’t orange and they match his case lighting.  All the macro keys are there.  It’s just lacking the completely useless little screen.  I’d had to disappoint him, but I’ve got a lot of research so far and it seems the G11 is truly the better choice.  There are just too many complaints about the G15.

I think I may just go ahead and get the G11.  If he doesn’t like it, tough, I tried.  And I did the research solely for him, since I am completely happy with cheap, $12 keyboards.  I go through them much too quickly to invest anymore money in them.  Seriously, folks, a keyboard is a keyboard.  I’ll blow my money on $400 Wacom tablets instead!

I just paid off my credit card, $522 so far.  Ugh.  At least I won’t be paying it again until next month.  I’m mourning all the purchases that were lost in this Christmas frenzy.  After December, it’s back to being selfish, hooray.  I deserve it.  These Christmas hours are absolutely slaying me.  I literally want to die.  I was planning on quitting soon and I may at the end of January, we’ll see what happens.

I guess I should add that the fiancé didn’t get the job with the State Police.  They gave it to someone with experience in forensics.  They have a much lower paying job available and he’s going to interview for it in the hopes of getting his foot in the door for somehting better, plus experience.  They really seem to want him there and he really wants to be there, so I’m supporting him as best I can between cringing.  My mother-in-law has heard about a woman retiring from the ACS, too.  The office is in the area of the State Police and I know some people there already.  So we’ll see.  I can totally do office work.

Tenative Christmas Gift List

‘Tis the season for giving… and being poor, apparently. We’re going Christmas gift shopping sometime this week, so I wanted to have a gift list somewhat ironed out by then. I’ve been chewing on it since early November, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of the gifts I want to get. A few of them are a tad pricey, but hopefully we can make them work. I’m forcing the fiancé to get his parents something this year, too.

  • Portable DVD player – Dad (suggested)
  • Random Old Navy things – Mum (requested)
  • Handmade Blown Glass Bell – Grandma
  • Flash kit for Canon Rebel – Grandpa
  • A dual fryer-thingy – FIL
  • Random Bath & Bodyworks things – MIL (requested)
  • Cute Baby Clothes – Cousin & Husband

My shopping list is pretty small. Unfortunately, I have no idea what I’m getting the fiancé. He apparently already got me something and won’t give me any hints… which is extremely worrying. I’m a horrible person to surprise. I usually hate it, because I’ll lay down hints and mention things and try to be subtle, yet get the point across about what I want. That’s how the boots came about. It apparently isn’t something I hinted at. He got me my iPod last year, which I had wanted a year prior. I adore it… but lightning rarely strikes twice.

Wow, how awful am I? I haven’t even received the gift yet. I just need to stop dwelling on it. It isn’t my fault no one ever surprises me, they learned it’s a bad idea. My parents let me shop for my own Christmas gifts and I always found the ones my grandma tried to hide.

This doesn’t help me with his present, though. He’s getting a very nice, very new electric razor, but that’s for me. Because I can’t stand the fact he won’t go buy a new one even though he needs it. Sigh. He is seriously hard to buy for.