Birthday Yayness & Wedding Stuff

So, I’m officially going to be twenty-three at 8:20 tonight. It’s kind of weird to think about, my fiancé was this age when we started dating. Kind of weird. I’m one of those people who is always backtracking and thinking about what I was doing a week ago, a year ago, what have you. I wonder if anyone else does that? Probably.

The second job didn’t work out. It required one of those stupid personality tests–the kind you can’t think about and ask you questions like, “I used to be late to work, but now I’m not” and ask you to either agree or disagree. What if you’re never late for work?! Argh. A lot of other people failed it, only one passed. The lady we know was upset about it, she couldn’t hire any of the people she wanted. I will cry over my loss of a discount, but maybe it is for the best. If I had taken the job, well, that would mean no Christmas with my family. That would not go over well, especially since my grandma is already guilt-tripping me for not calling enough. Sigh.

On the other hand, there may be an IT job I could possibly try for. My mother-in-law knows some people in her organization that also work for a health center. They’ve never had an IT person and are still working out the kinks in the position requirements, etc. I’ve done that job to an exact T and have about half a year’s experience in it. So, if it does come to pass, we’ll see. If I do get it, it would work out REALLY well for us, even after/if he gets the forensics job. We’re still waiting to hear from the state police, but I refuse to be negative. Especially with what they’ve said thus far…

I’ve also started the daunting task of trying to decide where we want to get married. I still haven’t even tried on my dress–I’m too afraid to take it out of the plastic. I tend to ruin everything I touch, heh. So far, I think getting married in Key West would be really cool. Especially because this year, my in-laws have two consecutive weeks to spend down there and my parents are hopefully coming, too. The place I am really looking into is the Beachside Resort and Conference center.

It has a few different places you can get married at and also offers a small, intimate wedding ‘package’. My dress is very beachy and kind of informal, so it would definitely work out. We don’t need to worry about reception stuff or photographs… mostly because my in-laws own two condos down there and both my father-in-law and my own grandpa are pretty hefty into photography. I doubt my grandparents can make it, but I didn’t think they would be able to, no matter where we got married.

I’ve already started acquiring jewelry. I have these really awesome diamond earrings–they look 100% real and are just a strand of about eight or so that hang down. I got them for seven dollars, haha, at a jewelry expo that was in the conference center with the Relay U. The whole ACS Relay University thing isn’t my bag, but it was so awesome to meet the man that’s responsible for my fiancé surviving even after they gave him two days to live. He had leukemia when he was three. The man he introduced has dedicated his entire professional life to curing leukemia. It was really great to meet him.

Also, I just have to mention it, because I’m such a backwater poor person, but at the jewelry expo, they had these really expensive necklaces and earrings. I didn’t realize that my original choice for wedding earrings was expensive, I thought they just looked real but were cheap. I had them in my ears when the woman said, “they usually go for 8,000″ and nearly died. I’ll probably never wear something so expensive again in my life! I thought my fiancé was going to collapse. His face literally turned PALE. He’s very financially conscious.

This entry is turning out to be huge, but I just have to share one more thing. I think I’ve found what I want for Christmas! Unfortunately, it’s $800… I had no idea when I saw it in the case at Zales… but its so pretty. Even the fiancé liked it, but he didn’t know the price. I looked it up online.

I should have let him sneak into Zales and ask. The manager we know–the one who wanted to hire me–would’ve guilt tripped him into getting it for me. Why? Because my lovely fiancé ruined my chances at a matching wedding set by not realizing when my wedding band went down to $200, he should’ve bought it. Sigh. We give him crap about it constantly, because I literally cannot find a single thing that matches nor can be sized down to fit my size 4 fingers.

I doubt he’ll get it for me knowing the price, but I really like it. Makes me re-think buying him a $500+ Seiko watch for our first Christmas together… cheap bugger. He probably won’t even offer to take me out for dinner tonight. My father-in-law asked if he would and when I said “probably not” he got mad and said he was going to kick his butt.

I Got Your Crazy

Dear fiancé,

I do all the things most men wish their lovers/girlfriends/wives/whatever would. We have amazing behind-closed-doors action. I care about your opinion, I dress up daily, I always look nice… for you. I wear dresses, heels, everything. I am cooperative, loyal, supportive, loving, and completely devoted to your every whim and need. I compromise myself for you, I gave up my home, my family, everything, to be with you. Yes, my home situation kind of sucks, but I love my dad dearly and I still cry after I talk to him because being away from him hurts. He’s an asshole, but I love him. That’s probably why I love you. I love your parents dearly, but it isn’t the same.

Why is that no matter what I do, nothing motivates you? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, nothing I say gets through? Are you really that ignorant? No. No one is that daft, not even a genius. Maybe if I put it into a mathematical theory on a big chalkboard… but, oh, wait, no. I can’t do that. Because I’m a normal person.

You are seriously pissing me off. Seriously. I am stressed, upset, and generally unhappy… yet I fall in to your every need. I worry about you, I take care of you even when I’m the one who is sick. I deal with your emotional detachment and ignorance. I ignore the times you hurt my feelings and yet pander and cuddle you when I say something that you somehow take as a deep insult. Anytime we argue, I give in, because I can’t stand to see you upset. Even if I’m the one who is upset, I will comfort you, and make everything okay again.

You have turned the girl everyone joked was secretly a ball-crushing dominatrix into a 40s housewife. I love you, I would do anything for you, and I don’t want anyone else. No, not even that guy who hit on me, or that other guy who stared at my boobs. I love that you are possessive, I am, too–but the constant thought that I am going to up and run away is annoying. Stop it.

I’m about to get out the leather whip and six inch heels and apply them to your balls. Do you remember what I was like when we met? I’m still that girl. I will eat your nuts for lunch.

Stop taking advantage of me, my kindess, my boobs, and my compromises. ASPIRE. MOVE FORWARD. Jesus Christ, show some effort and dedication to SOMETHING other than that damned, dead-end job from Hell. Step up and BE A MAN!

Or I will make you a eunuch.

Love,

Your fiancée who is currently rethinking her plan of surprising you with something from VS for the hotel room we will have this weekend.

Quiet Time?

November is the month of NaNoWriMo and also the beginning of a busy, busy holiday. So, this place might not get as much love. If you want to see my NaNo updates, check out my livejournal! In the meantime, you can bask in the awesomeness of my soon-to-be birthday presents!

I saw them several months ago and was immediately enamored. Boots are… well, I love boots. LOVE THEM. The fiance actually remembered all the way back then and secretly conspired to get them for my birthday. He caught the hint. No wonder I deal with all his silly emotional issues. Yay, BOOTS!

Of course, my birthday isn’t until the 12th, but well… that’s what shipping times are for!

Feeling Better…

So, a week later, and I think I’ve got everything under control… or, at least, as ‘under control’ as I can get.  I’m still reeling from last weekend… and unfortunately, the incident has not been forgotten.  In fact, our manager (and friend), was talking to my fiancé about working me next Saturday and asking if the hours he assigned me would be okay.  GAH.  I hate this.  I am not fragile, I’m not going to break.  I just wish no one had seen it at all, or better yet, it hadn’t happened, period.  I told the fiancé to tell our manager that I’m okay and it won’t happen again.  It is a freak occurence.

I know, I know… I should be thankful the people I work with are so understanding when so few people are.  I am.  Very much so.  It’s an understanding I’ve never gotten and never will receive from my own family.  However, this understanding comes from the fact that our manager’s friend and our coworker has just as much anxiety issues as I do, if not worse, and has had several moments like the one I had last Saturday.  But I don’t have attacks, usually.  I mean, I can’t count the amount I’ve had on one hand.  It’s just… not something I do.  Probably because of the risks involved.

It sounds so insane and my fiancé still gives me funny, worried looks when I tell him about it… but I carry some sort of neurological ‘tick’ that my father has.  From a young age until his mid-twenties, he would… randomly drop.  Just lose consciousness and drop stone cold to the floor.  This was worsened by the fact he did drugs, so he wasn’t sure if that was associated with it or not.  Then I started doing it and he pulled me aside after I passed clean out at the Walmart (in the midst of giving the cashier change and having no knowledge I was about to drop) and told me about it.  It has been a problem before, but that incident helped him tell me how and when to stop it.  It’s actually an easy thing to control, but always a worry.  It seems to be triggered by my own emotional responses–the more worked up I get and the more public it is, the higher my chances of just… dropping are.  Luckily, it hasn’t happened in about two years.  So maybe it is going away.

Yes, my dad went to a neurologist, and no, they didn’t find a damn thing.  It was a long time ago, but I’m not wasting money going so they can tell me the same thing.  No thanks.  It’ll go away, I’m sure of it, and it isn’t a big deal.  I have iron deficiency/anemia and sugar issues.  Any of those could be contributing factors into this.

Anyway, I am doing better.  I don’t feel crazy or like I’m going crazy.  The fiancé has partially removed his head from his ass and started being more tolerable.  Shit is still stressful, but with my head under control, it’s all good.  I’m looking into getting a second job, though, for the discount.  A seasonal run at Zale’s (they sell expensive jewelry/etc) as a cashier.  If I am there until the end of the Christmas season, I get 30% off everything, even sale items.  Hello, rockin’ wedding bands!  It’ll be anywhere from 15-20 hours a week.  Which is what I get at my current job now.  Yeah, so we’ll see how it goes… it’s a damn lot easier than my current job.  The only difference is I get to dress up and finally wear my heels again, ha.

Dysfunction Junction

Something is seriously up with my body/mind lately.  The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster unlike any I’ve seen in recent years.  What the hell is going on, seriously?  I had to come home early from work today.  Why?  Because I had an anxiety attack.  I used to have severe social anxiety, but it’s come down quite a lot.  Even so, I’ve rarely had attacks.  The only big one I ever had was on Christmas’ Eve two years ago when I felt like I was having a heart attack.

Anyway, I threw up at work and then an hour or two later, felt as if I was going to just drop.  I finally ran to the back, found a dark corner, curled up in a ball, and tried to calm myself down.  It took my fiancé a bit to notice that I was gone and he had no idea I had thrown up earlier in the day.  Anyway, he made me go home.  I feel better, but that isn’t saying much.  I had a breakdown yesterday, too.  Same thing.  I just got really anxious and my emotions were insane.  It’s like I have no control at all and everything is just running at full speed.  This is not good, not good at all.  I’m not a person who can run around life wearing my emotions freely.  They need to kept tightly constrained lest I go crazy.

It’s just so horrible and I have no idea what to do.  There’s no explanation.  I’ve suffered from severe anxiety for years and I even had it on top of manic-depression.  I was such a head case I was borderline agoraphobic.  It was bad, but that was years ago.  I’ve been doing a lot better and I’m functional in public now–I can even eat in restaurants and everything.  I hate having it as a crutch and I feel like such a failure.  I should not be here right now, I should be at work.  This is just so messed up.  I hate feeling like I have no control.  What the hell is going on?

It seems dramatic to say, but it almost feels like my entire body and mind are just breaking down.  I don’t know why.  Things with the fiancé and I have been a little tense, but nothing insane.  I’m stressed, yes, but my life isn’t that bad and I’m out of my toxic environment.  I should be okay, but I’m not.  What the hell?

I have tomorrow off, so hopefully I can just relax and maybe work on WoS.  If this shit continues, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Like I told my fiancé, everyone we know that has anxiety or social anxiety has a vice.  They smoke, they drink, they have an addiction–I don’t have any anymore.  I used to be addicted to the computer/internet, but I’m not.  I just really don’t know what’s going on.  Which probably shows in this entry, as it is all over the place.

I’ll make a more coherent one when I figure out when I lost control of myself and how to get it back.  I can’t keep going like this.  I am a ticking time bomb.  I had a cry fest yesterday and now throwing up, panic attacks, seriously.  You’d think I just had this truly awful life or something.  People out there have it much worse and they deal.  I’ve always been able to, too.  So it’s time to nut up.  Damn messed up head.