My sweet baby girl turned six months on the 12th. I can hardly believe it. Six months… that’s half of a year! A year ago, I was still freaking out; I was incredibly sick; we were preparing to go to Arizona. I had no idea what awaited me–I had no idea that she was even a little girl. Now, here we are, an entire year later… and she’s six months old.
Time has such a different meaning and flow once you’ve got someone to care for. Children change things, yes, but they change time the most–the way you perceive it and the way to seems to pass. It simultaneously flies by and lags along. It’s amazing and it’s baffling. I want to stop and cherish these moments forever, but they just seem so fleeting. They’re escaping my grasp and it makes me sad. My little baby is growing up.
Sometimes I just stare at her in wonderment–she’s a part of me, more a part of me than anything can be. I made her; she has my hands, my fingers, my cheeks, my dimples… I just can’t get over it. It hits me randomly and each time it does, it’s just so intense.
I could never have anticipated the way I feel now. I’m still getting to know it, I’m still trying to understand it. Every day, it seems to grow and change and somehow become deeper. It’s the most intense, scary, and amazing thing I’ve ever felt. Thinking back on my life before it–before her–just seems odd. There was a life before this? How?
But it isn’t all easy. It’s hard, really hard sometimes. I’ve made sacrifices I didn’t know I was capable of. I’ve given up things I swore I never would. Free time, relaxation, all of those things are foreign concepts to me now. I know that, eventually, I’ll regain the ability to do the things I once did… but right now? I feel like a completely different person, so apart from the things I once knew and loved.
There’s also the battles in raising a child. Evangeline is growing and learning, and along with that, comes hardship. I don’t agree with cry it out and I’m definitely in the ‘attachment parenting’ camp… but ever since Evangeline got sick, she hasn’t been sleeping through the night like she once was. Every time she coughed or stirred, I ran to her, worried because she was having issues breathing. Now that she’s better, she’s waking up every hour or so and not sleeping. She’s cranky and irritable in the mornings.
So, I spoke with the pediatrician at her visit and she advised that I try a less intense form of ‘sleep training.’ Essentially, we put her to bed drowsy, allow her to fall asleep, and when she wakes, we go to her, soothe her, and then immediately leave. If she cries, we wait five minutes, go in and soothe her, and then leave again. It’s still letting her cry a bit and I’m not okay with it. The only reason I’m allowing it is because we know she’s faking. The husband proved it to me by having me leave the room while she was in a full-blown crying fit. I left, she stopped, and then she was giggling and smiling at the husband. Sigh.
I’m hoping this works. We’ve only been doing it reliably for a day or so. On Monday, she slept great and woke up super happy. It was awesome. Last night was rough, however, as she woke constantly. I’m crossing my fingers for a turnaround soon… I’m a total wimp when it comes to her crying!