A New Routine

A New Routine

Dropping Evangeline off at daycare the first day was hard. I won’t lie, I cried. I’m not big on crying in front of people, but letting my sweet baby go and walking away was just heart wrenching. I whimpered and cried all the way to work. Once at work, I was okay… but I was constantly thinking about her and counting down the hours. I was just so worried about how she was doing. I didn’t realize it, but the husband was worried, too.


The night before, I drank almost an entire bottle of wine! I helped me relax and just cry when I needed to, which was frequently. I had some wine and a cry in the tub. I cried on the couch. I cried while trying to zone out and play Dragon Age: Inquisition. I woke up with Eva at around 4am and then couldn’t go back to sleep!

Today was easier. She screamed and slept a lot the first day, but today she mostly just hung out, took the proper amount of bottles, and didn’t have any freak outs. Of course, when we pick her up, I run to get her. The husband gives me this pouty look and wants to hold her, too, so I have to hand her off, haha. Boo to sharing!


We had a cuddle and a short nap tonight, which was nice. The husband pouted at me that I needed to go wake her up because he didn’t feel like he got enough time with her!

The evenings are a little rough. I want to spend every second she’s awake with her, but there’s stuff to do, too. I have to wash and clean her bottles, try and get them ready. Doing it in the morning is just entirely too hectic! I try not to focus on the fact that I’m only seeing her for around four hours a day… sigh.

Being back at work is kind of nice, though. I missed my coworkers and I feel ‘human’ again… more than just a milk cow. I loved spending time with Eva, but it definitely helps me to feel like I’m a person, too. I’ll never send her to daycare when I don’t have to, though. I’d much rather have her with me! The husband said he can’t wait for the weekend, haha. Me either, I want to actually sleep and I know we’ll get long, snuggly naps together.


We had a bit of a scare tonight. Eva had a dirty diaper and as I was cleaning her up, I noticed blood on the wipe and nearly lost it! It was fresh blood, too… not the kind they poop out. I checked and the area around her little butt hole was red and little pinpricks of blood were coming to the surface. My mum and the mother-in-law assured me that she’s okay and that it happens, it’s likely a diaper rash of some sort. Still worries me. We’ve been so lucky in avoiding any of that yet!

I very nearly lost it when I saw that blood, though. My heart jumped. My stomach felt sick for an hour afterwards. Poor little thing was fussy and we just assumed she was tired… we had no idea she was in pain! I felt like an asshole.

The house looks like a bomb went off, but I just can’t be bothered to clean tonight. I’m exhausted. Eva woke up at around 5am this morning and would not go back down… so I’m pretty beat. I think I’ll be dragging hardcore by the end of the week!

So far, pumping is going okay at work and I’m keeping up. I bought these things called Freemies and they are really handy for work! Eva’s also back to breastfeeding without fussing or pushing away (mostly); I did have to walk around and nurse her once today, just before dinner.

Back to Work

Back to Work

This is my final week of maternity leave. It seems like forever ago that I left work, still pregnant, just waiting for Evangeline to arrive. My husband made me stop working due to swelling and my having issues with discomfort/etc. I was off for almost a week before Eva turned up. I wish I’d worked until my induction day, so I’d have had that extra week with her instead.


I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mum, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel awful about leaving her with strangers; about missing all the little moments; about being away from those big grins and smiles she does in the mornings. I won’t get to lazily play with her hands as she drifts off to sleep next to me on the bed for her afternoon nap. I’ll miss seeing her figure out her motor skills even more than she has already–gripping, grasping, holding something tight. She’s only just begun to try to laugh and I’m going to miss her mastering it.


It hurts. I hate it. But not working isn’t an option–I’d go insane, my career would effectively be over, and money would be beyond tight. It just isn’t worth it, in the long run. I can provide for her better at work and I’ll be a better mother if I’m not engulfed by the role.

I keep worrying that the daycare isn’t going to be good enough. That they’ll ignore her or mess something up. That they won’t know how to feed her or care of her… or even worse, that they’ll just let her “cry it out.” She’s in that fussy stage of her development, but the thought of her being left to cry hurts my heart.

I’m sure all working mums go through this. It’ll get better. The worst part is knowing I’ll get a max of 3-4 hours a day with her. That sucks.

Next week, at this time, I’ll be at work. A very sobering thought. Maternity leave felt like it was going to go on forever back in those early newborn days… now, just, I don’t know. I think I’m done thinking about it for right now.


Husband’s surgery went well, but it was a lot more intense than I anticipated. Seeing him in the hospital gown and on the gurney–ugh… I’m glad his dad was able to stay there with him. We waited at the in-laws until it was time to pick him up. He looked so pitiful sitting there… still in his gown. The recovery period took longer because they were having issues with his blood pressure being too high. I had to help him get dressed. He was really out of it. I really didn’t expect it.

The first few days were rough and exhausting, bouncing between taking care of him and Eva. I just felt so bad for him! I even had to feed him. Then, we went for his post-op and got stuck in traffic for four hours! A major accident had shut down the interstate, sigh. We had to take a long way home. I ended up driving for nearly six hours!


Having him home was nice, though. We got into a routine, he started feeling better… and then it was over. He’s back at work today, after a week and a half off. We took some three month pictures of Eva yesterday, even though it’s a little late. They turned out well, but she refused to smile or grin! All she wanted to do was try and blow raspberries at us. That’s her new favorite thing. The husband also got Eva to fall asleep on him for the first time ever, so he was pretty thrilled.

We went to our weight check during the horrible winter storm (where we got a foot of snow, which I drove in like a champ) and got the “all clear”! Evangeline’s back to where she needs to be, and she’s one looong baby! 96th percentile–yikes.


I keep trying not to dwell on the bad and instead focus on the positive, which has always been difficult for me. That and not measuring time. I get obsessive about time, it’s downright ridiculous. I’ve even taken to counting down the minutes in a day. Maddening! Eva is going to grow so fast and I don’t want to miss any of it… but providing the best for her is the most important thing. And there’s weekends, and holidays. I have a state job, so I get every bloody holiday off!

Once I go back to work, that’s it, it’s over–this time is over. She’s not a newborn anymore and I’ll never get that time with her back. I’ve taken to treasuring every moment, even the ones where she’s screaming or inconsolable… because once it’s over, it’s over. That’s it. Next thing I know, she’s in Kindergarten, she’s graduating High School, and then she’s just… gone–her own life, her own things… it’s baffling.


People weren’t lying when they said you have no real concept of time until you have a child.

Same for not realizing how much you can love something. There are no words.

We’ll find a rhythm, a way. Everything will work out.

I’ll make sure it does.

Aunt Beth’s Visit

Aunt Beth's Visit

My aunt left a few hours ago. It was a nice visit! It’s definitely convenient to have the people visiting you actually staying at your house, haha. Makes getting together a lot more convenient.


We had a really good time. We hung out with the in-laws a bit, she spent tons of time with Eva, and she even made us dinner last night. It was delicious! I had leftovers of it for lunch today.

It took Evangeline a little bit of time to warm up to her. I’m not used to this, of course. When she was less aware of everything, it didn’t really matter much who held her unless she was hungry! Now she has a bit of stranger awareness, so new people can throw her off. Thanks to Aunt Beth being around all the time during the visit, though, she warmed right up to her.

It’s so funny to see other people holding her. I don’t get to see her at a distance very much, so it just hits me suddenly how adorable she is! She is just too freaking cute. She’s going through a mental leap that’s about to end, so she’s been a bit fussy, but we’ve worked out a tentative nap schedule that seems to keep her pretty happy most of the time.

I’m definitely not used to her nursing less! It always shocks me when she stops and it’s only been fifteen or so minutes. I hate to complain, but it always worries me now due to her being underweight at her last check-up. She’s 12 lbs now, though… so I guess I should stop. I always try to offer nursing to her, though, and only stop when she throws a fit! She’s so independent now. She wants to play on her mat or see the world, not cuddle with mummy.



I did get her to nap on me last evening while we waited for dinner to be ready, though, so that was nice. She also cuddled in bed with me this morning after the husband woke her up. He stubbed his toe on an empty laundry basket and cursed, which caused her to start crying, haha. I’d just put her down twenty minutes earlier, too.

As of today, I have only four weeks of maternity leave left. I’m anxious about it. We’ve got the daycare lined up (I still have to get the pediatrician paperwork, she’s not back until Thursday) and everything… but I hate leaving her. The thought of it makes me sad. I want to go back to work and restore normalcy… but it just feels like she’s too young! Can’t it wait until she’s one? I don’t know, just mummy guilt, I guess. I was lucky enough to get this time with her.


I’m just trying to squeeze in every precious moment with her that I can right now! Which is such a vast difference from December, where I was desperate for personal space, haha. I want to play video games again, but I don’t want to squander these last moments I have that’s just us. After February, it’s over; she’ll never be this small again and we’ll never have this time together, alone, again.

My hormones are also going a bit wonky since I’m back on birth control and the whole breastfeeding establishing itself and whatnot. I keep wanting to cry over this. I feel like I’m pregnant again! It’s so ridiculous. This picture of Eva and the husband nearly brought me to ridiculous tears when I opened it in Photoshop!



Mum arrives tomorrow. That’s our last scheduled visit during maternity leave. Then it’s the husband’s nose surgery and Eva’s weighing appointment. After that… one week until the return to work. Ugh.

It feels like it’s been forever since we left the hospital and yet it feels like time is just passing by far too quickly!



The daycare called me yesterday morning around 10am and told me that they had openings. How shocking! Of course, I call and tell the husband. He immediately stops freaking out and is completely relieved. We later find out that my friend who is an officer with my job and also a board member, talked to the director. The director apparently told him that she would “investigate the misunderstanding.” Hooray!

I went today and picked up all the paperwork. Our pediatrician is out until next Thursday, though, so we can’t hand it all in just yet. I’m seriously relieved, but the husband was completely losing it. He was having panic attacks and all sorts of anxiety. I kept assuring him that something would happen, that it would work out in the end, however it ended. Besides, he wasn’t going to be the one quitting their job and completely losing their career! If I quit my job now, it’s over for me. No one will hire me in the tech field in a year or even a few years. I was lucky to get this job, as I hadn’t even done anything IT-related since college!

So, phew. I will still be sad and miss seeing her grow every day, but I feel like it will definitely kick-start some normalcy into our lives. We’ll find our rhythm, finally. Until then, I’m going to enjoy these last few weeks with Evangeline. She’s already Miss. Independent and doesn’t want to cuddle–she’d rather hang out on her Kick’n’Play mat.

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It’s still so hard to comprehend that she’s going to be three months soon! Augh. She’s getting big so fast.

We’re doing back-to-back visits right now, so everything is pretty hectic. Dad left Tuesday, my Aunt arrived just now and will be here within the hour, and then mum comes on Tuesday. We won’t get a break, but that’s okay! I don’t want anything happening when husband has his surgery on the 13th and then I want to spend every moment I can with Eva at the end of the month.

It’s so hard to believe that, at this time next month, I’ll be preparing to go back to work and Eva will be going into daycare… how time flies.

Breastfeeding is going great. I’m still supplementing her with an ounce or two, but for the most part, she’s getting it all out on her own. We’re going through a leap currently, so she’s not nearly as interested in nursing, but she’s still gaining! She’s nearly 12 lbs, so that’s almost 2 lbs in 2 weeks… woohoo!

Dad’s Visit & Daycare Woes

Dad's Visit & Daycare Woes

Dad was here this past weekend, amazingly enough! They arrived late Saturday, we ate a quick dinner of delicious Marco’s sandwiches, and they saw Eva for a few minutes before she melted down because it was well past 7. We usually start her bedtime routine around 7 or 7:30 simply because that’s when she wants to start it. She always gets grumpy or tired around that time. She doesn’t usually doze off until around 8 or 9, though.

They stayed until Eva went to bed and then left around 9pm. They claimed they were going to go and sleep, but we found out the next day that they stopped off at the sports bar/restaurant next to their hotel and drank. Which explained why it took them until past noon to come and see us the next day.


The entire visit was kind of aggravating and extremely disappointing. I had expected dad to come and see Eva and spend all the time he possibly could with her. I understand she’s still small yet, but who knows when he’ll see her next and she’s growing so fast! This is likely the last time they’ll see her when she’s still so tiny and new.


His wife kept complaining about her aches and pains. She didn’t even come over on Monday, it was just dad. On Sunday, I got some pictures done and everything, but Eva wasn’t very fond of dad’s wife and kept melting down every time she tried to hold her. Husband and I are pretty sure it’s because she’s a smoker or she’s just smart… haha! Eva did fine when dad visited on his own, though. She was my typical happy, smiley baby. She gave him big grins and cooed at him.



They stayed an extra day and left Tuesday morning due to the snow hitting the East Coast. We met up with the in-laws and had dinner on Monday evening. In total, I think they saw Eva for a total of four hours that day. They didn’t even get out of bed until after noon and we had already been awake six hours! I even offered to take them to tour our workplace and crime labs… nope. Sigh.


We were up so early taking the husband to his allergy test and ENT appointment. He has surgery schedule for February 13th… so not only will I be caring for a three month old then, I’ll have him to take care of, too! We’re really hoping this solves his breathing issues, as they’ve gotten exceptionally bad as of late.

As disappointed as I am by my dad’s visit, I’m glad Evangeline at least got to meet her grandpa on my side. Dad did one thing completely right, he brought her a Kick ‘n’ Play mat for Christmas. She loves that thing! It’s so adorable watching her on it. Definitely keeps her entertained and lets me get some stuff done.

They brought us a bunch of unnecessary stuff for Christmas. I don’t even know how my dad has money, what with all the spending he does! I would have rather had nothing and seen them spend all their time with Eva, sigh.

As if all of this wasn’t enough, now we’re having issues with the daycare and they’re jacking up their rates by another thousand dollars. So, a year for an infant would be nearly $9,000! That’s insane! We don’t even know if we can get in now, despite what we’ve been told. All of the sudden, “there’s no spots” and “they’re re-enrolling for fall if we want to try for then.” Husband is about to choke someone.

Since bad news travels in pairs, we also found out that the mother-in-law has ulcers in her eye! She’s been having issues and thought maybe she’d gotten something in her eyes and scratched it, but no. She has freaking ulcers. There’s a very high chance of her losing her vision in that eye if they don’t respond to the medication they’ve given her. She’s at the doctor again now to discuss options and get more information. We are all, understandably, worried.

I can’t believe my maternity leave is almost over. Before, I couldn’t wait for it… now, it’s different entirely. I’m going to miss her so much! I love seeing her grins and getting to experience all her new developments. She’s started noticing her hands and feet a lot lately, watching herself move them all around!

I could never be a stay-at-home mum, but I wish there was some sort of happy medium. It just sucks that the first part of my maternity leave sucked. I mean, I loved her, but she was just sort of ‘there’ and when she wasn’t crying, she was sleeping horribly and we were struggling with breastfeeding. As soon as everything starts to even out and get good, I have to go back to work.

Oh, and going back during her four month sleep regression, too. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t hit her, but I’m sure it will. I’m going to be a total zombie!