Things have slowly been going better with Evangeline and nursing. I’m basically force feeding her every opportunity that I get! If she doesn’t finish a full feed at the breast, then I pump, and give her what comes out in a bottle. This isn’t something I’ll continue once she “catches up”, as babies will overeat easily. Right now, though, it’s all about packing those calories in so she can grow and her brain can develop properly!

The baby scale definitely helps. She’s gaining several ounces a day so far. I haven’t done any feeding weighs yet. I may or may not, depending on how things go.


We had our first outing alone yesterday. I took her into work to visit. It was also my first time driving the new car (and driving in general for two months!) After we stopped at work, we continued on to Target, stopped at Petsmart, and then grabbed lunch and headed home. She only fussed a little at work, due to over-stimulation, and then a little bit in Petsmart because she was tired. She slept on the way home and remained asleep in her car seat for almost a full hour and a half nap!


It was a busy day in general, as the in-laws came up to deliver our futon couch. We went out to eat for father-in-law’s birthday, Eva’s second restaurant outing! By the time we got home, she was more than ready for bed. She was in her bassinet, asleep, by nine. She slept until three, too! Which I was greatful for. Sleep has been fleeting lately.


I’m officially six weeks away from returning to work. I’m still trying to work on my freezer stash when I can. The ability to leave the house with Eva confidently definitely makes things less bleak. I’ll be happy to return to work and some semblance of normalcy… but I’ll miss her, I can’t lie. I know she’ll enjoy daycare once she’s old enough to socialize properly… but with her being so young, it just seems wrong! At least I was able to go four months with her. I would never even consider staying home–that’s just not my bag. I like money, I like making money, and I like having a part of me that’s not 100% mother.

I remember the stress when the husband was the only one properly working and it was awful! Both my coworkers deal with this, living paycheck to paycheck, I just don’t know how they do it. It’s maddening. We’ll still have weekends and holidays with her. Plus, the vacations we’ll be able to take!

My dad and his wife are supposed to be visiting this weekend. He texted me that they made reservations, so perhaps it’ll actually happen! He hasn’t visited me once in the seven years since I moved here. They were supposed to visit directly after Christmas, but her kids gave them the flu. I really hope he comes down. I don’t even care if it’s just to meet Eva, I want him to visit!

My Aunt Beth (his sister) arrives next weekend, too. We’re both stoked about that, as my Aunt Beth is tons of fun! She was our saving grace during my dad’s wedding in Atlantic City and she visited during my pregnancy, too. It’ll be so fun to introduce her to Eva.

We’ve been doing some deep cleaning, which is nice! I finally got to tackle our bedroom and closet. I purged all of my clothes from my second job. No more black everywhere! I only kept a few pieces I knew I’d make use of. I still have more purging to do, but three bags worth seems good for now. I got rid of some other stuff and some of the husband’s stuff, too.

We need more plastic bins to store things in and another set of plastic drawers to help keep the closet from going into chaos again. I’ve also been eyeing an accent table to put in our little stairway area, so we have a place to put mail and whatnot… but the current depth is 12 inches and most things are 14+ inches. If we redo the railing, we’d have plenty of room… but that requires us to redo all of the railing… which I want to do, but is quite the task for right now.


Disappointment & Failure

I feel like a complete and utter failure. Evangeline’s original two month appointment was on Monday, but was rescheduled last minute due to her doctor being ill. I managed to get an appointment first thing on Wednesday morning. We went in with high hopes–we were excited to see how much she’s grown and to get her immunizations. We didn’t wish her the pain, but being able to have her around others and out without constant worry would be nice!

Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. I’d expected to see that Eva wasn’t quite where she needed to be with her weight; I’d known she’d lost some weight during my cold and taking sudafed. My supply had dwindled, forcing me to attach myself to the pump. I consumed water like mad, I eat oatmeal every morning now, and a wonderful coworker/friend made me lactation cookies. We’re back on track, but it was touch-and-go there for a few days.

It seems like Eva’s progress never recovered. She’s only 10 lbs or so when she should be at the very least 12 and at the very best, 14 lbs! They measure and weight first thing, and then we sit and wait for the pediatrician to come in. The husband looked them up on the charts and gave me a worried look. Her weight put her in the bottom percentile, while her height put her in the top. I felt sick.

The pediatrician was kind, but didn’t mask her concern. We’ve been given a month to try and continue on with just exclusive breastfeeding. I’m to eat full meals and make sure Eva is getting the hindmilk and not just the foremilk. I’m pumping after every feed and then offering her the hindmilk that’s expressed. It’s all very daunting and yesterday, after we arrived home, I cried. I cried over her while I was trying to get her to nurse. The husband had left to go to work. It was just such a crushing blow. I thought she’d been doing better–she was going two hour stretches between feeds! But she still wasn’t napping properly. And she hasn’t been pooping regularly–once a week on the dot. All of it should have been warning signs.

But I was too selfish to see them or listen. I was too preoccupied with having time to myself or getting things done around the house. I’d stop her nursing when she got frustrated instead of switching her to the other breast or bothering to burp her thoroughly and then returning her to the breast. It all came crashing down on me suddenly and I felt completely sick with myself.

I crawled into bed around 12:30, as Eva had drifted off due to her immunizations. She was too sleepy to nurse properly. She woke just as I pulled up the covers and began cooing. I peeked over the bed at her in her little convertible bouncer and she smiled at me. I pulled her into bed with me and nursed her there. We cycled between nursing and sleep for a good four hours. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed and she would wake up screaming–a side effect of the immunizations. I’m sure she had no idea why she was uncomfortable. She was spiking low-grade fevers, too. So I curled around her and kept her close to me, checking her temperature and soothing her. I’m not into medicating unless absolutely necessary.

We did eventually give her infant Tylenol more towards the evening, but only because her fever went to 100 degrees. We didn’t get out of bed until the husband came home. I was still upset, but the time sleeping and just holding her helped me try and formulate a game plan. The husband kept assuring me that it would be okay. He’s my only support with breastfeeding and I certainly appreciate it.

I’m pumping after every feed and when she naps; I’ve got milk in 1 to 2 oz increments in bottles to supplement her with if she stops nursing early. I’m feeding her until she gets angry at me for trying. She’s already bodily shoved my boob away and all but swatted away the bottle. She pooped a day early, which is a good sign. We’re making sure her belly is full and Buddha-like. It’s going to be a pain pumping so much, but whatever works. My freezer stash I started is going to build slowly, but contributing 2 oz or so a day is still better than nothing!

We’ve got a month to get her caught up. She’s already doing better today and napping unlike she ever has, which means she’s satiated. She’d wake up constantly and fuss before. Now if she wakes up at 30 mins, she drifts immediately back off. It’s also not hard to get her to fall asleep.

I hate having to use bottles, as we ran into an issue where she didn’t like the slow flow of my boobs… but whatever gets her weight up. She’s still getting 90% boob.

I bought a baby scale off Amazon. It’ll be here Saturday. I refuse to accept “failure to thrive.” When I told the husband that’s what it was called, he was shocked. Needless to say, neither one of us is on board with that being declared. I want to make it at least six months (preferably a year or never!) before introducing any sort of formula. Here’s hoping we can do it.

I hate that I let this happen. It makes me angry, but luckily, anger is usually what fuels me forward. I’m determined to make this right and keep it as such. My personal time and such things are secondary to my child’s well-being. She’ll throw fits because I’m feeding her too much before she’s ever hungry again.