Everything Changes

Everything Changes

I am completely in denial that Christmas is next week! For the first time since we’ve been together, I have no idea what to get the husband for Christmas and he’s already got my presents… sigh. I feel awful. Everything I thought to get him doesn’t release until next year… I really am at a loss. That’s just a testament to how mentally and physically consuming taking care of a newborn is. I’m hoping MIL will watch her this weekend so I can have a few hours out and about before Christmas is over. I love the hustle and bustle of the holidays… being apart from it scarcely makes it feel like Christmas at all.

I’ve been trying to relay to the husband that there’s nothing actually wrong with me and I certainly don’t have PPD. I just have “adjustment pains”. For someone like me, this sort of thing takes a long time to adjust to. It’s even worse because I’m trying not to let myself be bitter about the fact that it seems like his life hasn’t changed at all. He goes to work, he comes home, he relaxes and plays video games.; he gets to do whatever he wants! I don’t have that luxury. Even when I have a few spare moments, I have a hard time “coming down” and relaxing. I feel like there’s just not enough time and the second I settle in to enjoy something, she’ll wake and cry.

Honestly, I want to go back and slap my “past self” for being completely ignorant to how big  of a change this all was. I hated being pregnant so much that I was just sort of ready for it to be over! I remember, at the end, continually thinking “this is the last time I’ll get to do _____ alone or without a baby.” It just wasn’t sinking in. Even when they laid her on my chest, everything just seemed surreal–like I’d wake up and it would all have been a dream.

I’m not wishing time away and I don’t want my daughter gone, either. It’s just hard, to adjust, to feel like you’re the only one who is forced to change while everyone else continues on as usual. I’m intensely maternal, but I’ve never been one for babies. I like cuddling and she’s so small and cute… but the dependency, the lack of independence, the complete and utter inability to have “time to myself” or “personal space” makes everything especially daunting. It might have been different if I’d been better prepared for it…

For the husband, I wish he’d make more of an effort to “engage” me instead of just staring at his computer, playing video games that I can’t play. He doesn’t quite understand how frustrating that is for me. I’m sitting here, lacking sleep and privacy, having to hold her and calm her 24/7, barely getting a chance to eat… and he’s just chilling, doing as he pleases, not really offering to take her or help or anything substantial. Even just talking to me without his attention on his computer would be nice…

I want to enjoy this period and I’m trying, I am. It’s getting better, it will get better. It’s just tough right now as I try to reconcile the change between who I was before and who I am becoming now… sigh. I wish I were better at handling this stuff, but I guess that it’s a testament that I’m able to do all of this without any sort of assistance.


Eva has already started being more “alert” and she’s doing social smiles… mostly only for the husband, of course. It’s still cute. He caught the above while I was getting a bath. He has an app on his phone for cats with colorful fish that move around the screen. She loves it. She swats at it like a cat.


As much as the husband frustrates me sometimes, seeing him interact with Eva and get smiles or giggles from her makes my heart soar. It’s such a strange feeling. I love my daughter, more than I thought was humanly possible, which is why I’m okay with the change in the end. I know that once my muddled mind adjusts to this change, everything will be fine.

For now, I just hold on to these sweet moments and remember, that when I’m up all night with her or she’s nursing 24/7, that this too, shall pass. And someday, I’ll miss her being so tiny. But I’m also looking forward to seeing her become her own little person.

One Month!

One Month!

Evangeline was officially a month old yesterday. It’s kind of hard to believe that a month has passed by already and yet it feels like an eternity ago that I was in the hospital. Time is a funny thing.

We’re still battling with her not wanting naps at all during the day. Now we’ve got ridiculous cluster feeding to deal with. She just doesn’t want to stop and she’s getting plenty of milk–she’s gaining and growing! It’s annoying, but I keep telling myself that she’ll only be this tiny for a short while.

I really miss spending time with my husband, though. With Eva attached to me 24/7, we really don’t get any peace to ourselves. Eva and I are still out in the living room until she gets a better schedule at night. She typically does really well–she goes to bed around 9pm and doesn’t wake up until 1am or so… and then she’s down for another 2-3 hours, repeat until 10am. It’s nice, but it doesn’t really afford me any time with the husband…

I just wish that she’d let us put her down. She hates her swing, she’ll tolerate the bouncy seat for about ten minutes, and nothing else soothes her except constant eating. Sigh. I’d love to have a newborn that sleeps. I was told there would be sleep! I never get a moment to myself and it kind of sucks. I’m one of those people who has to have time to herself. Sometimes, I’m able to give her to the husband with a bottle of expressed milk and have a bath… but that only lasts about 20 minutes before she’s fussing or crying again.

Then there’s the grunting and struggling to poop at night! It never fails to wake her up. Those nights are miserable. There’s nothing for it, though. I mean, as far as I’ve been told, it’s just a natural progression thing–it will eventually get better. Sigh.


Eva’s definitely growing and getting bigger. That’s easy to see. She’s still in newborn clothes, though, and we’re finishing off the newborn diapers though she can technically wear the size ones. She’s also started cooing, giggling, and I think I caught the barest hint of a smile the other day. It’s all very endearing.

It’s still hard, though. As someone who is intensely private and values personal time… I’m struggling sometimes. Headaches are frequent, I have to keep my frustration in check when I’m battling with her to nap so I can get a few moments to myself or with my husband, and having someone hanging off me constantly is incredibly taxing. I’m maternal, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also my own person. I can’t just disappear into the role of 100% mother… I could never be a stay-at-home-mum! I’d go mad.


The husband is getting better at dealing with her, but he still doesn’t make a proactive effort to learn how to soothe her. He did find that she really enjoys this app on his phone originally intended for cats. It has little fish that swim around. That kept her entertained for about fifteen minutes last night.

I know some day I’ll look back on this time and miss it, so I’m really trying not to wish it away… but I’m tired of my dirty house and I hate not being able to really do anything. One can only watch so much television and her head is too heavy for her to nurse properly without my assistance, so video games are still out of the question…

Thanksgiving 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

The in-laws surprised us this year and said they were doing Thanksgiving at their house. The in-laws typically don’t do holidays–we usually have to harass them to even visit the rest of the family with us! My father-in-law invited his parents to meet Evangeline.

I was a little worried about having Eva out and away from the house for so long while she was still so young… but it actually went really well. She only fussed a little, during dinner, but she was an angel the rest of the time! Of course, the grandmas fought over her and wanted to hold her; they even denied me giving her boob and instead I handed them the bottle I had brought.


I, of course, spent quite a bit of time in the in-laws’ bedroom either pumping or feeding Eva (when I managed to wrest her away from the grandmas!) She actually had a pretty long nap, too. Mother-in-law was intent on keeping her! She wanted us to stay the night because I had lamented about not being able to go Black Friday shopping. I wasn’t feeling up to it and I wasn’t ready to leave Eva during the night yet!


We did take her up on her offer to watch Eva that Sunday, though. We dropped her off around 1 or so and went out and about. It was really freeing. It was the first time I’d been out since just before my induction! It was nice to spend time with the husband, alone. We haven’t really had a chance to spend any time together and sleeping separately certainly hasn’t helped. Of course, as soon as we left the in-laws’ house, the husband asks me: “Where do you want to go first?”

My response? TARGET! He laughed. And laughed more and chided me when I bought baby stuff. What? Buying baby stuff is fun when you actually have a baby to buy for and it’s not some mysterious thing making your body hate you.

Slowly, but surely, it’s getting better. Eva is growing like a weed. These pictures were taken when she was 2 weeks and 1 day. She’s 3 weeks and 2 days now and I can definitely see the difference. She was bigger then and she’s bigger now. She’s definitely gaining weight, but she’s long and lean, with a little Buddha belly. It cracks me up! Her cheeks have also chubbed up significantly!


I don’t think I’ll ever get over that sweet face… I love looking at it, even when I’m frustrated and tired. It makes me emotional in the best of ways. I can’t believe that it’s been 3 weeks already! She’s doing good about sleeping during the night for longer periods, which is nice… but she vehemently refuses to nap during the day. It takes a miracle to put her down for naps… which means she’s cranky when the husband gets home from work and he can’t really interact with her much.


We’re working on the nap thing. It’s a challenge. At least she’s finally letting me get some sleep at night. I just try not to think about how all of this is going to work once I’m back to work in March. On one hand, it seems so far away… but I know it will come quick. I hate to leave her with strangers, but I know that the socialization is important for when she’s a little older and I’ve got to keep my job both financially and for my own sanity. I was not made to be a stay-at-home mum!

I just wish she liked her swing or anything really. I’m usually stuck holding her, carrying her, or feeding her all day long as she cannot tolerate being put in the swing, bouncy seat, or anything! She hates them. She doesn’t mind being away from me but she either finds them too stimulating or under-stimulating… it’s hard to say.

The husband is slowly trying to be more involved. I know he feels useless because it seems like all she wants is boob! But there are other ways of pacifying her and he actually has an advantage over me. All she wants from me is boob, but he can interact with her freely. She takes bottles from him fine, so it’s a starting point.



Honestly… the first few days were easy. Eva slept a lot and nursed. She didn’t really fuss at all until we had to put her in the car seat to go to the pediatrician. They found a heart murmur and we got scheduled to go to the hospital for some tests.


From then on, it’s been rocky. She doesn’t like to sleep. She wants to stay up way longer than any newborn should, which results in her getting overtired and fussy. She will fight sleep tooth and nail. There were several difficult and lonely nights coupled with recovery pain. My daft hospital thought it fit to prescribe me oxycodone! Like hell I’m going to take that while I’m breastfeeding.

Having the husband home was a help, but not terribly. I mean, it was nice to have him here and to get me water and to try and do things for me… but my husband is notorious for not doing a damn thing unless you explicitly ask him and “nagging” at him really doesn’t do anything but put him in a mood. I wish he had done more. It’s not like I even made him stay up! He slept every single night through in the bed while I’m out in the living room with Eva.

We had an incident when the husband was home. Unfortunately, it happened on a day where I had gotten zero sleep in quite a long span of time, so I was already at my wit’s end. I was annoyed with him just lying about while the house was a wreck and the dirty clothes were piling up, so I asked him to do the laundry. He sort of got an attitude, but he went to do it. I even made him a chart and hung it up in the laundry room.

Well, he goes to do it and then I hear this loud noise and him cursing. He let the cat in there unsupervised and he brought down the entire shelf above the washer and dryer, sending things flying. There was bleach everywhere. I set Eva down and ran to see what happened, worried he’d hurt himself. I was angry when I realized what happened. As I tend to do, when something doesn’t go right, I do it myself. So I hurriedly gathered the colors and threw them into the washer, not realizing he’d been dumb enough to open the washer and send bleach spilling into it after the incident. So I got bleach on a bunch of our clothes.

I had a mini-anger meltdown after that. It’s the first time he’s seen me like that. He spent the rest of the evening trying to wash clothes in very cold water in the bathtub in an attempt to prevent the bleach from setting in. It was a disastrous day. I haven’t asked him do laundry since. Instead of apologizing or anything, he moped around instead and just said, “why wasn’t the shelf secured?”

Sigh. I try not to get too angry or annoyed with him, as I know I’m battling with hormones, sleep deprivation, and just frustration… but it’s hard. I don’t feel like he’s completely “stepping up.” As with everything else, I feel like he’s doing the minimal amount to get by and hoping no one notices. I want to play video games and relax, too, but I don’t have that option.

I hate tearing into him, though. He does do things, it isn’t all bad. It’s just easier to focus on what he’s not doing it. And it’s not for lack of me asking or telling him, either. I feel like I’ve done everything to be accommodating but I’m not getting any of it in return… which is pretty normal for all of my relationships, sigh.

Adjusting to this is rough, like adjusting to pregnancy was. I don’t miss being pregnant, not at all. I can’t really enjoy not being pregnant, though. Newborns are rough and I got one that does not like to sleep. It makes it harder. She has reflux, too, which is not fun to deal with at all. Then there’s my constant anxiety that my entire body is ruined. I still haven’t looked at my stitches or how I’m healing down there. I’m terrified. I never want to look. I don’t even want to know. I seriously burst into tears any time I think about it. I can’t even talk about my boobs or stomach. I’ve lost 30 or more pounds and my stomach is almost back to being normal, except the skin. I’m so scared all of this is permanent and it’s awful.

I know a lot of it is hormones, but it’s still hard. I just keep trying to look at the positives. I don’t have Post Partum Depression–I don’t want to hurt my baby or myself. It’s just “growing pains”, trying to adjust to this whole different life while also being forced to deal with hormones. It’s tough. And it’s lonely. Nights are the worst–I hate nights. I cried a few times when the husband would go to bed. I feel completely separated from him. I miss going to bed. I miss being around him or being close to him. That’s one of the worst parts–we’ve always been incredibly close and this new “space” between us is just really hard for me to deal with right now.

It will get better. These are just the starting months. If it didn’t get better, people wouldn’t have children.


When the husband is present and engaged with Eva, my heart swells. It’s beautiful to see. I know it’s hard sometimes to “attach” to newborns, but I’m hoping he does as she grows. He told me that he thinks she hates him, because he can’t soothe her or feed her. I have him bottle feeding her, but he complains that she doesn’t fall asleep on him like she does me. I’ve tried to tell him she honestly only likes me because I’m a source of food. Right now, that’s all I am. He has the chance to be more and is quite capable of soothing her (better than me) when he actually tries.

I’ll just be happy when I can sleep in my bed and sleep for longer stretches than thirty minutes to an hour. That will be glorious…


Until then, I just have to keep looking at her sweet little face. Soon, she’ll be big. She’s already growing. Some day, I’ll want this time back.

Another Countdown Begins

It looks like this baby has no interest in appearing without being forcibly evicted! I was barely 2cm dilated at my appointment on Thursday. The nurse practitioner checked me and stretched my cervix a bit. I had a bloody show Friday and Saturday, with some cramping and contractions. On Sunday, we walked around the neighborhood and then we went out to some stores just to mill around a bit. We stopped for dinner and I had consistent contractions for about 2 hours before they eventually tapered off. Disappointment isn’t a big enough word!

I had some severe cramping last night and this morning, but it was all due to gas. I’m feeling some pressure and I’m pretty sure I’ve dilated more, but I haven’t had any consistent or worsening contractions. It’s really frustrating. My doctor scheduled me to be induced Tuesday at 5pm at my appointment last week. I agreed to it, forgetting that my birthday is Wednesday, sigh. I’m hoping I’m dilated enough that everything progresses swiftly and she’s born before my birthday and not during.

I was going to reschedule, but I’m so fed up and done at this point that I really don’t want to deal with more waiting. It’s really annoying. I’m trying not to be frustrated or upset, but it’s hard. I didn’t want to be induced, I wanted to try and go as natural as possible. I could push and say I want to wait another week, but that’s another week off work without a baby. That pushes my return date to work back even more and I don’t want that, nor can we really afford it.

Of course, it’s silly to ever assume these things are going to go as you’d wish. They never do. I am just hoping and praying it doesn’t end in a C-section. I do not want surgery, period. Our families are driving us crazy asking us where the baby is. My mother-in-law keeps insisting that I run to the hospital every time I feel so much as a cramp. I know they’re just excited, concerned, and/or worried, but it’s really nerve-wracking when I’m already going through my own emotional tailspin.

It’s hard to believe that so much time has passed by already. This time last year, we were boxing up our apartment and preparing to move. I was getting excited about celebrating my birthday. So much has changed in just a short time. Trying to imagine how much will have changed by this time next year is just mind-blowing.

The next time I post here, I’ll be a mother and forever changed. Nothing will ever be the same again. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s frightening all the same. Change is terrifying, especially when you’re not sure what to expect. I just want everything to go okay. Whatever happens, I want to be safe and I want the baby to be healthy. It feels so weird to think about her actually being here. The whole pregnancy thing has been so surreal. I just can’t imagine holding a baby and it being mine.

Tomorrow evening, hopefully, everything changes forever.