I am completely in denial that Christmas is next week! For the first time since we’ve been together, I have no idea what to get the husband for Christmas and he’s already got my presents… sigh. I feel awful. Everything I thought to get him doesn’t release until next year… I really am at a loss. That’s just a testament to how mentally and physically consuming taking care of a newborn is. I’m hoping MIL will watch her this weekend so I can have a few hours out and about before Christmas is over. I love the hustle and bustle of the holidays… being apart from it scarcely makes it feel like Christmas at all.
I’ve been trying to relay to the husband that there’s nothing actually wrong with me and I certainly don’t have PPD. I just have “adjustment pains”. For someone like me, this sort of thing takes a long time to adjust to. It’s even worse because I’m trying not to let myself be bitter about the fact that it seems like his life hasn’t changed at all. He goes to work, he comes home, he relaxes and plays video games.; he gets to do whatever he wants! I don’t have that luxury. Even when I have a few spare moments, I have a hard time “coming down” and relaxing. I feel like there’s just not enough time and the second I settle in to enjoy something, she’ll wake and cry.
Honestly, I want to go back and slap my “past self” for being completely ignorant to how big of a change this all was. I hated being pregnant so much that I was just sort of ready for it to be over! I remember, at the end, continually thinking “this is the last time I’ll get to do _____ alone or without a baby.” It just wasn’t sinking in. Even when they laid her on my chest, everything just seemed surreal–like I’d wake up and it would all have been a dream.
I’m not wishing time away and I don’t want my daughter gone, either. It’s just hard, to adjust, to feel like you’re the only one who is forced to change while everyone else continues on as usual. I’m intensely maternal, but I’ve never been one for babies. I like cuddling and she’s so small and cute… but the dependency, the lack of independence, the complete and utter inability to have “time to myself” or “personal space” makes everything especially daunting. It might have been different if I’d been better prepared for it…
For the husband, I wish he’d make more of an effort to “engage” me instead of just staring at his computer, playing video games that I can’t play. He doesn’t quite understand how frustrating that is for me. I’m sitting here, lacking sleep and privacy, having to hold her and calm her 24/7, barely getting a chance to eat… and he’s just chilling, doing as he pleases, not really offering to take her or help or anything substantial. Even just talking to me without his attention on his computer would be nice…
I want to enjoy this period and I’m trying, I am. It’s getting better, it will get better. It’s just tough right now as I try to reconcile the change between who I was before and who I am becoming now… sigh. I wish I were better at handling this stuff, but I guess that it’s a testament that I’m able to do all of this without any sort of assistance.
Eva has already started being more “alert” and she’s doing social smiles… mostly only for the husband, of course. It’s still cute. He caught the above while I was getting a bath. He has an app on his phone for cats with colorful fish that move around the screen. She loves it. She swats at it like a cat.
As much as the husband frustrates me sometimes, seeing him interact with Eva and get smiles or giggles from her makes my heart soar. It’s such a strange feeling. I love my daughter, more than I thought was humanly possible, which is why I’m okay with the change in the end. I know that once my muddled mind adjusts to this change, everything will be fine.
For now, I just hold on to these sweet moments and remember, that when I’m up all night with her or she’s nursing 24/7, that this too, shall pass. And someday, I’ll miss her being so tiny. But I’m also looking forward to seeing her become her own little person.