Embracing Autumn

Embracing Autumn

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Despite the weather, we’ve been doing our best to get into the autumn spirit. I’ve been pretty adamant about experiencing all the fall-related stuff we possibly could this year, since Evangeline is relatively old enough to enjoy it now. The first thing on our agenda was the pumpkin festival. It’s kind of a big deal around here and people travel from all over the state to come. It pales in comparison to anything Ohio has to offer, but it’s nice to have close by.

The last time we went, I was pregnant. Husband has lived here forever and never went. It was our first time and we enjoyed it. It’s nice to get out and enjoy local things. Evangeline had a good time, she saw animals, tons of people, ate some weird stuff, and even got some books.

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Second was a local farm that does this huge thing every fall; it’s basically a pumpkin patch and a kind of fair of sorts. There’s games, a corn maze, stacks of hay oriented around for kids to play on, a little playground, and a big tub of corn for younger kids to play in like sand. There’s concessions and some animals/etc, too, which makes for a pretty interesting trip. We went with a coworker/friend of ours and their child. It was fun, if a bit hot, for being mid-October.

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Evangeline’s favorite part was the pumpkin patch, which was hilarious. She got so excited about them! She ran in and kept yelling, “pumpkins! pumpkins!” When husband picked her up, she proceeded to whisper it to him, which was cute. She picked out a pumpkin by hugging and kissing it! Then we found one for daddy. I didn’t bother getting a pumpkin, it didn’t even occur to me at the time. I probably should have–they were way cheaper than buying them at a store!

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By the end, she was done. She was super tired and hungry. She kept crying on the way back, “mummy, hungry! Mummy, eat!” Heartbreaking. She was fine once we got home and had dinner, though. She slept like a log that night, despite her teeth coming in. She was exhausted!

I loved watching her run around and experience all the cool stuff they had to offer. I have all sorts of anxiety issues and I really, really hate crowds, but none of it mattered. Watching her face fill with joy and curiosity made it all seem pointless in comparison. The place was super packed, too. We did not expect such a huge crowd! I’m just glad we didn’t have any tantrums or fits.

She was obsessed with the slides, too, which surprised me a little. She’s definitely a daredevil.

I had asked the in-laws several times to go with us to the Pumpkin Festival or the farm and was rebuffed, rather rudely, all times. I told Chris was done trying to get them to act like normal grandparents. They’re so strange sometimes. They love Evangeline and they’re not cold with her, they just have zero interest doing typical grandparent things… which is sad.

Summer’s End

Summer's End

img_4485Mother-in-law wanted to go to some festival in a city nearby, so we indulged her. It was pretty lame but it was nice to get out and do something together as a family. She had mentioned wanting to do more of that stuff, which is nice, I’m all for family outings.

Evangeline enjoyed it, however. She got to run around and see all sorts of people. We’re dealing with the terrible twos already, so it can sometimes be a challenge to take her out, but she did fairly well. She’s usually cooperative if her pawpaw is there, which is a relief. Everything was fine until dinner, where she started getting fussy and wanting to run around.

The husband and I have been discussing eating together as a family. We desperately need to buy a new dining set, because ours does not suit the much smaller space we have for it now… it’s mostly served as hoarder storage in the corner of our kitchen. We’re going to clean it up and make it mandatory that we eat together now instead of separately. Usually, Evangeline eats while one of us cooks dinner and then we eat in front of the television in the living room. I’ve always wanted to eat together as a family, so I’m definitely happy about the change and I’m sure it will help Evangeline’s attitude towards sitting and eating versus wanting to run around crazily.

 

img_4462There really hasn’t been much else going on. Evangeline is developing new skills every day and her gasp on words and language is definitely improving. She actually sat and played with blocks with the husband the other evening, which was refreshing and nice! She’s still definitely a more on-the-go toddler and not so much interested in spending a whole bunch of time with toys, but she’s starting to have more quiet moments, too. It’s still such a treat to see her sit down and just read aloud to herself.

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We’ve booked out trip to Tampa for the week before our birthdays, so that will definitely be an exciting trip! We leave on November 4th and return on the 11th, just a day before our birthday on the 12th. My family down there is desperate to take her to Disney, so I’ve agreed. Staying a whole week will give us a lot of time to really get to do more things than we did last time. It ended up being a much shorter visit due to all of the airline mix-ups! We had a six hour delay that was not fun. I’m hoping this one goes better…

We’re not getting professional photos done this year for fall since our spring ones turned into summer ones. I’ll probably try to snap some decent shots of her at a park or something nearer to her birthday. I wish that I could buy my camera, but I messed up royally and let myself go overboard buying from a certain company. I spent well over the cost of my camera in a month’s time–the husband was furious and he had every right to be. I feel like an ass.

Money hasn’t been a huge struggle since we first moved out onto our own, so it sucks that my own stupidity had us walking that line. I’m doing my best to try and face my issues right now. When my depression rears up, my OCD and my spending ramp up… which sucks. I can’t let the cycle continue. I’m cutting out birth control since it seems to be affecting me mentally way worse than it ever did before. Hoping that helps me cope better.

21 Months

21 Months

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Evangeline is growing so fast. I say that every time, but I feel like it’s just increasing more and more rapidly. She’s communicating more clearly and is quite adamant about getting her points across. She is demanding and withholding. She has a mind of her own. She no longer simply parrots back words or phrases without first carefully considering whether or not she’d like to say them. She sometimes says “please” in the softest, most beseeching way that you can’t ever say no. She’ll often even thank you as she toddles off, clearly living in her own little world.

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She’s truly becoming a tiny person; no longer is she an extension of us. Her likes and dislikes aren’t just mere additives to her cuteness, they’re discernible things, true preferences. She mimics us, but always adds her own flair to it. She likes to walk around with our old point and shoot camera and take pictures. She tells us to say “cheese!” Sometimes, she’ll say cheese and try to snap selfies, although clumsily. It’s adorable.

She likes pizza, especially the Pizza Hut lunch buffet we go to sometimes on Sundays. She loves going to the park, playing on the swings, and climbing the play equipment. She’s generous, incredibly resourceful, and fiercely independent. She’s also stubborn, strong-willed, and incredibly determined. Few things will distract her from her tasks, and her emotions are ridiculously strong yet fleeting.

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People are naturally drawn to her and she is incredibly charismatic, which is the opposite of us. Everyone in the daycare knows her or is aware of her, even those well beyond her age class. She is outgoing and adventurous; unafraid and unrelenting. The sweet-smelling calm before the storm that will naturally follow. It’s an interesting dynamic.

Watching her grow and develop into the person she’s becoming is honestly one of the most rewarding things I’ll probably ever do.

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She says far too many words for me to catalog now and is even putting words together, which is awesome. She’s running around with little issue and loves to climb things. She’s too smart to bother doing things she’s capable of doing when there’s someone else there much more capable of doing it for her, which is hilarious!

It’s crazy to think that soon she’ll be two and that she’s been boob free for like, two weeks now. She still snuggles them or mentions them, but she never asks anymore. That time has passed. I’m still sad about it, but not because I wanted it to go on forever… more so because it means she’s growing up.

In news unrelated to Evangeline’s milestones, I had a difficult phone conversation with my grandparents and pretty much drew my line in the sand. They are aware of my feelings and will hopefully no longer bother me about my mother and that situation. We’ll see. I’m keeping them at a distance for the time being. I feel better, though. More relaxed and capable of moving forward now that I’ve made myself abundantly clear.

Struggling

Struggling

IMG_4366I’ve been struggling lately. I won’t lie, I can’t lie, and I haven’t. I’ve been upfront and honest. My husband knows what’s going on, even if he isn’t completely capable of understanding it or being able to help me the way he wishes he could. I’m always going to struggle, in some way or form, and not because I’m a victim, or because I’m unable to handle things, but simply because that’s the way it is. Everyone has their own personal struggles and this happens to be one of mine.

Depression. It’s hard. People like to say things like “I’m cured!” but to me that doesn’t exist. If you have medical depression, in where your brain actually has legitimate issues and medicine is the only answer, then I guess you’re right–you can be cured. But I don’t believe you can ever be completely cured when it’s environmental or something you’ve developed over time. Medicine can help you, therapy can help you, but you’ll be forever battling that reprogramming that went on in your brain. The cognitive therapy, the awareness of the problem, all of that help you battle it effectively, but you’re still fighting.

I have moments, lapses, when I’m just not good. Life right now is hard for me. I have things going on with my family I’d rather not face down. There are things I don’t want to acknowledge, but they’re there, and they’re truths, and you cannot flee the truth. Even so, I’m left floundering because of it.

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I won’t say I do this for Evangeline or that she’s my strength, because that’s wrong. It’s not right to put that on her. It’s not right to burden her with something that she’ll feel later on in life. I never want her to feel like any of this is her fault. I’ll be honest with her, but I don’t want her to ever face the issues I have. I know that she will, though. It’s in our DNA. I’ll just make sure she has the tools she needs just in case…

My family is destructive–toxic. They are not good for me. They do not make me feel better or whole as a person. TheIMG_4346y tear me down and make me feel apart from the world. Leaving them behind, escaping the mindset they throttled into me… it was freeing in a way I didn’t realize until recently, until I really, truly started breaking away. I’ve wasted almost thirty years of my life and that’s heartbreaking.

I won’t waste anymore. I feel guilt, and I should. I should never be the type of person who doesn’t feel guilty. I’m capable of kindness, of empathy, and of all the things that makes me the perfect subject of manipulation. That doesn’t mean I should accept it or take it. Evangeline is not my strength, but her presence in my life has given me a boon–a clarity I did not possess to this extent previously.

I’m grateful and terrified. This is a whole new world–a new awakening. I thought I had been free, all this time, I thought I had done everything right… but I was still tethered, still stuck, and every time, I’d revert back to that person. Now, it’s different. Now, finally, I am becoming a whole, complete person. I am shedding the skin forced upon me. I am grasping and fighting to be free of the things that tied me down.

I will always have depression, I will always be a little moody… but I’m also intensely passionate. I value life, memories, people, and most things very deeply. Depression will whisper in my ear and for a moment, I may feel beaten… but I rebound quickly, because I know better. I know now where it comes from, what it’s been hiding beneath, and what’s caused it.

I have lost nearly thirty years and I refuse to lose another one. I am taking back my life, not from depression, because depression doesn’t have it and never has… but from the people who were mistaken in thinking that I was someone to be controlled.

I’m not. I’m a person capable of many, many things.

I have lost nearly thirty years but this year, I’m gaining.

I’m not losing anymore.

Summertime Sickness

Summertime Sickness

Unfortunately, Evangeline came down with croup and a double ear infection! We got a call from the daycare on Thursday that she had a fever and was pretty lethargic, so I immediately called the doctor and then we picked her up after she woke up from her nap. Instead of giving her the usual oral antibiotics, they said she was old enough for shots and so she got two in her little butt–poor thing! They worked like a charm… she was feeling better and in less pain within twenty-four hours.

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She was still feverish on Friday, so I stayed home with her and we set up a little sick bed station in the living room. She hates napping away from us and especially so when she’s sick, so this usually works a little better. She felt better in the afternoon, so we went outside and played for a bit.

It’s fun spending days with her during the week. I hate it when she’s sick, but it’s nice to get that time with her because it’s so rare. She definitely missed daycare, though, and was super upset in the morning when she figured out she wasn’t going! Daddy left without us to go to work and she was crying and fussing after him.

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She’s changing so much and so fast. I realize it, but it’s hard to see it staring you in the face. The reality of our situation is that the daycare sees more of her growth than we do as it’s happening. She loves daycare and it’s definitely an amazing thing for her, otherwise she’d be super bored, but it’s sad, too. I spend all my time at work and only a scant few hours after work with her… and we’re usually trying to cram errands, dinner, cleaning, and a bunch of other stuff into that time!

It’s nice to just take a moment and be in it, with her. Sick days used to be super miserable, because when she was smaller, she’d refuse to nap and just be an angry, cranky nightmare… but now she’s snuggly, curious, and mostly just upset she can’t be as active as she’d like.

Grandma and grandpa brought her a kitchen set that she’d picked out and so she had that to play with, at least!

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As a reward for being so patient and us feeling awful that she’d had such a crappy few days, we took her to the splash pad for the first time. She wasn’t contagious anymore and she was definitely feeling better! We didn’t take our swimsuits, so we were stuck on the sidelines… but she loved it! At first, she was very reserved and cautious, but once she got wet, she was running around and going wild!

Watching her was so much fun. We both vowed that next time, we’d bring swimsuits so we could get in and play with her. It’s nice to have something like this so close that’s free to us.

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It was a great way to close out and otherwise kind of crappy summer weekend. Evangeline got plenty of sunshine and lots of fun, and we got to see her happy and giggling again. I’m hoping the weather stays decent and we get a few more weekends of this before summer is officially over.

It’s really hard to believe that August is looming over us already…