So, another year is over. Wow. I know it’s terribly cliche, but seriously, the passage of time seems… so… I don’t know, intangible. I’m one of those ‘time freaks’. Do you know the type? I try to memorize and commit every single moment to memory, down to the point where earlier today, I was reflecting on what I did a week ago at the exact same time. Yes, I’m strange. We know this. Anyway, so you can imagine how this… monumentous occassion–the new year–can kind of mess with my head. It will take me quite awhile to adjust.
Another cliche thing I’m going to indulge myself in is reflecting back. Why? Because this is my blog and, as I said, I try to commit everything to memory. Also, because this past year… it’s felt like an entire decade of experiences all wrapped up into one. I mean, I’ve gone through a huge transition since my fiancé and I first began dating over two years ago, but this past year has been insane. I was home at this time, home, in Pennsylvania. That was my home, no one could argue that. That was my home, I lived there, and I thought that would never change. It did, just two months later, in March.
That’s when I got a job down here and began staying with my in-laws. That’s when my fiancé and I really took the leap and had to deal with one another for more than a week or two at a time. That’s when I learned that family, love, and all that… it extends past blood. That it exists, within families, sans strife and hatred. At this time, last year, my in-laws were friendly strangers to me… now, I don’t know what they are. But I love them all the same. I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without their support and guidance. Last year, I missed my fiancé, but I coveted my alone time. Now? Without him, I don’t know what I’d do. I miss him when he’s at work and I’m not. As creepy as it sounds, we’ve essentially become one person. We still have our individual identities, but I know him better than anyone else probably ever will. I know what he’s thinking or feeling before he does. Without him, I kind of feel… hollow.
I was a different person last year. I was still anxious, still plagued by horrible bouts of social-anxiety to the point where venturing into Wal-Mart was a trial. I wasn’t very confident, too weighted by the opinions of my family. I was lost, less so than my teen years, but still trying to figure things out. But I’ve made leaps and bounds since then. I can go places alone, I can pay my own way, I can do my own thing. I buy what I like and what I want to. When I go home, and my mum snarkily says I’m getting fat, I laugh at her and just keep walking. I’ve always had thick skin, but now? It’s as if I don’t even hear them, because I know they’re not true. I’m not fat, and while my legs may be not be long and lovely like most girls, I’m happy with who I am. Anorexic thin may be in, but hourglass is timeless. It’s something I’ve learned… away from all the negative influences, away from the constant pressure to be something and someone I’m not. I’m me, in all my aggressive, classic glory. I am who I am.
It’s so amazing to me, because even though 2008 was big, this year will be bigger. The fiancé will be working for the State Police and me? I’ll have a real job, too. We’ll be real adults and we’ll hopefully be on our true own for the first time in both our lives. By this time next year, my name will have changed. Never again will my initials read the same as my mother’s. I’ll be able to say I got married in Key West and I’ll be happy because I no longer feel guilty for being with my fiancé, despite my values.
I don’t want to wish this year away, nor the experiences it will bring… but I can’t wait. I’m so ready, I’ve been ready. It’s time. I used to be so concerned with moving forward, with doing this and that, with planning everything. Now? I just want to sit back and feel and experience every moment.
2009 is going to be hectic.