So, a week later, and I think I’ve got everything under control… or, at least, as ‘under control’ as I can get. I’m still reeling from last weekend… and unfortunately, the incident has not been forgotten. In fact, our manager (and friend), was talking to my fiancé about working me next Saturday and asking if the hours he assigned me would be okay. GAH. I hate this. I am not fragile, I’m not going to break. I just wish no one had seen it at all, or better yet, it hadn’t happened, period. I told the fiancé to tell our manager that I’m okay and it won’t happen again. It is a freak occurence.
I know, I know… I should be thankful the people I work with are so understanding when so few people are. I am. Very much so. It’s an understanding I’ve never gotten and never will receive from my own family. However, this understanding comes from the fact that our manager’s friend and our coworker has just as much anxiety issues as I do, if not worse, and has had several moments like the one I had last Saturday. But I don’t have attacks, usually. I mean, I can’t count the amount I’ve had on one hand. It’s just… not something I do. Probably because of the risks involved.
It sounds so insane and my fiancé still gives me funny, worried looks when I tell him about it… but I carry some sort of neurological ‘tick’ that my father has. From a young age until his mid-twenties, he would… randomly drop. Just lose consciousness and drop stone cold to the floor. This was worsened by the fact he did drugs, so he wasn’t sure if that was associated with it or not. Then I started doing it and he pulled me aside after I passed clean out at the Walmart (in the midst of giving the cashier change and having no knowledge I was about to drop) and told me about it. It has been a problem before, but that incident helped him tell me how and when to stop it. It’s actually an easy thing to control, but always a worry. It seems to be triggered by my own emotional responses–the more worked up I get and the more public it is, the higher my chances of just… dropping are. Luckily, it hasn’t happened in about two years. So maybe it is going away.
Yes, my dad went to a neurologist, and no, they didn’t find a damn thing. It was a long time ago, but I’m not wasting money going so they can tell me the same thing. No thanks. It’ll go away, I’m sure of it, and it isn’t a big deal. I have iron deficiency/anemia and sugar issues. Any of those could be contributing factors into this.
Anyway, I am doing better. I don’t feel crazy or like I’m going crazy. The fiancé has partially removed his head from his ass and started being more tolerable. Shit is still stressful, but with my head under control, it’s all good. I’m looking into getting a second job, though, for the discount. A seasonal run at Zale’s (they sell expensive jewelry/etc) as a cashier. If I am there until the end of the Christmas season, I get 30% off everything, even sale items. Hello, rockin’ wedding bands! It’ll be anywhere from 15-20 hours a week. Which is what I get at my current job now. Yeah, so we’ll see how it goes… it’s a damn lot easier than my current job. The only difference is I get to dress up and finally wear my heels again, ha.