Feeling Better…

So, a week later, and I think I’ve got everything under control… or, at least, as ‘under control’ as I can get.  I’m still reeling from last weekend… and unfortunately, the incident has not been forgotten.  In fact, our manager (and friend), was talking to my fiancé about working me next Saturday and asking if the hours he assigned me would be okay.  GAH.  I hate this.  I am not fragile, I’m not going to break.  I just wish no one had seen it at all, or better yet, it hadn’t happened, period.  I told the fiancé to tell our manager that I’m okay and it won’t happen again.  It is a freak occurence.

I know, I know… I should be thankful the people I work with are so understanding when so few people are.  I am.  Very much so.  It’s an understanding I’ve never gotten and never will receive from my own family.  However, this understanding comes from the fact that our manager’s friend and our coworker has just as much anxiety issues as I do, if not worse, and has had several moments like the one I had last Saturday.  But I don’t have attacks, usually.  I mean, I can’t count the amount I’ve had on one hand.  It’s just… not something I do.  Probably because of the risks involved.

It sounds so insane and my fiancé still gives me funny, worried looks when I tell him about it… but I carry some sort of neurological ‘tick’ that my father has.  From a young age until his mid-twenties, he would… randomly drop.  Just lose consciousness and drop stone cold to the floor.  This was worsened by the fact he did drugs, so he wasn’t sure if that was associated with it or not.  Then I started doing it and he pulled me aside after I passed clean out at the Walmart (in the midst of giving the cashier change and having no knowledge I was about to drop) and told me about it.  It has been a problem before, but that incident helped him tell me how and when to stop it.  It’s actually an easy thing to control, but always a worry.  It seems to be triggered by my own emotional responses–the more worked up I get and the more public it is, the higher my chances of just… dropping are.  Luckily, it hasn’t happened in about two years.  So maybe it is going away.

Yes, my dad went to a neurologist, and no, they didn’t find a damn thing.  It was a long time ago, but I’m not wasting money going so they can tell me the same thing.  No thanks.  It’ll go away, I’m sure of it, and it isn’t a big deal.  I have iron deficiency/anemia and sugar issues.  Any of those could be contributing factors into this.

Anyway, I am doing better.  I don’t feel crazy or like I’m going crazy.  The fiancé has partially removed his head from his ass and started being more tolerable.  Shit is still stressful, but with my head under control, it’s all good.  I’m looking into getting a second job, though, for the discount.  A seasonal run at Zale’s (they sell expensive jewelry/etc) as a cashier.  If I am there until the end of the Christmas season, I get 30% off everything, even sale items.  Hello, rockin’ wedding bands!  It’ll be anywhere from 15-20 hours a week.  Which is what I get at my current job now.  Yeah, so we’ll see how it goes… it’s a damn lot easier than my current job.  The only difference is I get to dress up and finally wear my heels again, ha.

Dysfunction Junction

Something is seriously up with my body/mind lately.  The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster unlike any I’ve seen in recent years.  What the hell is going on, seriously?  I had to come home early from work today.  Why?  Because I had an anxiety attack.  I used to have severe social anxiety, but it’s come down quite a lot.  Even so, I’ve rarely had attacks.  The only big one I ever had was on Christmas’ Eve two years ago when I felt like I was having a heart attack.

Anyway, I threw up at work and then an hour or two later, felt as if I was going to just drop.  I finally ran to the back, found a dark corner, curled up in a ball, and tried to calm myself down.  It took my fiancé a bit to notice that I was gone and he had no idea I had thrown up earlier in the day.  Anyway, he made me go home.  I feel better, but that isn’t saying much.  I had a breakdown yesterday, too.  Same thing.  I just got really anxious and my emotions were insane.  It’s like I have no control at all and everything is just running at full speed.  This is not good, not good at all.  I’m not a person who can run around life wearing my emotions freely.  They need to kept tightly constrained lest I go crazy.

It’s just so horrible and I have no idea what to do.  There’s no explanation.  I’ve suffered from severe anxiety for years and I even had it on top of manic-depression.  I was such a head case I was borderline agoraphobic.  It was bad, but that was years ago.  I’ve been doing a lot better and I’m functional in public now–I can even eat in restaurants and everything.  I hate having it as a crutch and I feel like such a failure.  I should not be here right now, I should be at work.  This is just so messed up.  I hate feeling like I have no control.  What the hell is going on?

It seems dramatic to say, but it almost feels like my entire body and mind are just breaking down.  I don’t know why.  Things with the fiancé and I have been a little tense, but nothing insane.  I’m stressed, yes, but my life isn’t that bad and I’m out of my toxic environment.  I should be okay, but I’m not.  What the hell?

I have tomorrow off, so hopefully I can just relax and maybe work on WoS.  If this shit continues, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Like I told my fiancé, everyone we know that has anxiety or social anxiety has a vice.  They smoke, they drink, they have an addiction–I don’t have any anymore.  I used to be addicted to the computer/internet, but I’m not.  I just really don’t know what’s going on.  Which probably shows in this entry, as it is all over the place.

I’ll make a more coherent one when I figure out when I lost control of myself and how to get it back.  I can’t keep going like this.  I am a ticking time bomb.  I had a cry fest yesterday and now throwing up, panic attacks, seriously.  You’d think I just had this truly awful life or something.  People out there have it much worse and they deal.  I’ve always been able to, too.  So it’s time to nut up.  Damn messed up head.