It’d be a total and abrupt lie to say that now that the wedding stress is gone, everything is great. Hardly. There was that post-wedding heavy sigh of relief and the delight of the vacation and its lack of worries… but as soon as my feet hit home turf, well, everything kicked up again. I don’t mean to sound like someone with a chip on their shoulder or someone who thinks the world is out to get them. I don’t, I just state the facts. The facts are that throughout my entire life, anything I’ve ever tried to do has been met with extreme and unprejudiced conflict. I explain it to Chris like this, you heard of Sisyphus? No? Well you have now, because I might as well be the female version.
I used to be obsessed with history and myths, but it’s tapered off considerably and so, I’m a bit dusty on my knowledge. But me and Sisyphus? We go back. I’ve identified with this my entire life. However, I’ve not really done anything to justify the taskless endeavor of this constantly pushing and watching the boulder just go right back to the starting position. I was a bit of a brat as a child, but damn. It wasn’t like I handcuffed Death and hid him in my closet or anything! Now, I know how this sounds. Boo-hoo, right? Sucks to be you, there’s people starving in Africa? I know, I know. It’s a little melodramatic, but it’s true.
Everything I try to do seems ten times harder than it should be. It really does. Is it some kind of subconcious need to hold myself back? Was I born under the wrong star? I have no freaking clue, but I do know it’s annoying as hell. Nothing is simple for me. The most painless of tasks can be made the most excruciating experience in the world just by having me there. Chris didn’t believe me, not until he started living with me. Then he realized why my father tried to warn him away. I’m down with God and everything, and everything knows, I sure as hell wouldn’t be here without Him… but holy crap. Seriously? I am cursed. I have to be. Even before I was capable of knowing what a curse was or what “bad luck” meant, I’ve had it.
I’m not looking for handouts, I sure as hell would be bored to death were my life completely easy and without trial, but a break would be nice. For once, can’t something go right? Even my wedding, as beautiful as it was, was clouded over by a miasma of tension, familial fighting, and a bunch of other stupid things. The only blessing was that my mother couldn’t attend, which is a double-edged sword. She’s my mother, she wasn’t there, it will hurt forever, but I can’t deny the benefits of it. If I wanted handouts, I would have stuck myself up my estranged grandfather and his third wife’s ass. He lives in a two million dollar mansion, folks. I have ridiculously rich family. Yet, they have been nothing in my life, mainly due to my dad. And I’d rather have my dad than them any day of the week.
I don’t want it to sound like nothing good happens. Oh, it does. The best thing that’s ever happened to me, even if its hurts me to the core, has been coming here. Chris stealing me away and introducing me to his parents, who allowed me to live in their home, even though they barely knew me and it went against their morales? And not just that, but embraced me, and truly love me enough to do things that even my own family would balk at? I can’t put it to words. I can’t. But it doesn’t erase every other hardship I’ve endured, the things I will never say, and the secrets that will follow me to the grave. I always feel like I’m twenty steps behind everyone else and that everything I do, it’s too late, or not enough.
Right now, Chris and I are trying to look at apartments, which is pretty much moot. I’m unemployed, the state police pays shit, and we can’t really move because the rent, plus utlities, plus groceries/etc… it can’t happen on his salary. It can’t. I’ve been looking for jobs, but we have one car and it has to match Chris’ schedule. Everything is just a mess and again, despite the good things that have graced me, I feel like I’m pushing the boulder up the hill only to have it fall back and roll me flat all over again. Even Chris finding a job was trying… those were dark, stressful times. There will be more. But this? I don’t even know what to do about it, if I can do anything about it.
The economy is in the toliet and even if I can find even just a stupid, silly job to supplement his income… how will I get there? We’re talking funds, people, we can’t just go, “oh, another car!” No. Not happening. Not when we have to buy furniture, etc. I just don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that my health is kind of getting worse, which I haven’t mentioned to anyone. Chris noticed just recently. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m losing my energy and… bleeding. A lot. Not like, period a lot, but bleeding when I shouldn’t be and it wasn’t old blood. It was red. I know I need to get new birth control, but again. A mole hill becomes a damn mountain. Let us not mention that I haven’t had a physical since I was fifteen or so… my mother-in-law still throws a fit about that one.
At least Sisyphus was a king. He at least got to enjoy some part of his life. I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to sit back and just enjoy mine. I spent my childhood trying to understand all the things that happened to me and around me, my adolensence caring for alcoholics, and now? I’m just trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet and still manage to support those around me.
No wonder I’m not very social and was never one with friends. Who has time or the mental energy to exhaust on them?
I’m endlessly grateful to have people that love me, to have found that one person I want more than I want air, and to have the chance and opportunity to live somewhere that is full of opportunity and freedoms… I just wish that maybe, sometimes, it would be like everyone else. Where things just fall into their laps. Just one thing, maybe? That’d be kinda cool. Until then, it’s back to the boulder. Pardon the angst, folks. It stains.