The thing with work didn’t get any better, it actually got worse. I tried to do my job to the best of my ability, to get along with those I was working around, and to do everything within my power to meet their needs. What did it get me? Sent to the lab director’s office because someone took something I said wrong. They ran to the lab director and told her all kinds of lies and just generally tried to stir up even more trouble. I handled it to the best of my ability and now, a few days later, I’ve come to a decision.
I’m taking back control. I’m tired of letting people who mean nothing to me control the way that I feel or the way that I perceive my life. I’m tired of dragging a job I only work two days a week home with me on my days off. I’m tired of allowing it to make me miserable. Is it harassment? Yes. Is it a hostile work environment? Yes. Can I do a damned thing about it? No, I can’t. I only have two more months there and then I’m done, forever. You couldn’t get me back into that place if it were the last job on Earth. So, I’m done letting it rule my life. I’ve had worse things happen to me, for much longer spans of time, and involving people I actually cared about.
Let the miserable people be miserable, that’s their choice. They may want to drag me down, but they can’t, not completely. They can make work hell, but they can’t make my entire life the same. I have my problems, I have plenty of issues, but I have things to be grateful for, too. I have things other people only dream of having. I’ve let misery run my life for so long that I can’t really discern when it started. I can’t completely rid of that, but I can put my foot down here. Work does not run my life, it’s not even that important to me, it never was. If I have a job, I go in and I do my job and that’s that. It isn’t the catalyst for my life or my happiness, it’s a pay check. So why am I giving it so much control?
I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and I’m hurt that people would be so callous and cruel. I can’t deny those feelings, but I can’t let them rule me, either. I’m going to do my best to make this work. I’m going to condition myself, I’ve done it before, I can do it again. Anytime work threatens to impede on my life, I will stop and I will think. If I can’t do that immediately, then I will rage, and then I will think. I will think of what I’ve written here, what I’ve committed myself to. There are other things to obsess and worry over that I actually care about.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my husband finds a job. Not for me, but for him. He needs it and he deserves it. It was his own choice to look and I’m being supportive and trying to push him to try for things he wouldn’t otherwise attempt. He’s lost himself in this job, he’s fallen out of touch. He loves work, he craves the fulfillment of a job well done. He needs to be in a place that appreciates and challenges him. I hope he can find that or at least find the path towards that.
As for me, I just need to remind myself of what really matters to me. My husband and my family top that list. I brought a bunch of pictures back with me and I’m just now looking over them again. Work doesn’t even compare to the emotions that these pictures stir in me. There’s so much happiness, but so much regret, too. I kept falling into that trap; I let unimportant things get in the way; I let myself wander blindly through life, never really thinking about losing the things I took for granted. I hate that I walked through the first part of my life with my eyes shut, turned inward towards vain and stupid things while ignoring the people that really mattered to me.
All I have are the memories now; the ones I can recall amidst the fog. It’s hard to know that I can never go back to those times, that the things I coveted–without truly realizing it–are gone.
The simple times with family together are gone. They were never completely simple, never without their chaos and strife, but always family–always family. There was no faking that. Real families fight, they sometimes fall apart, but they are always, always there when you need them.
I would be nothing were it not for my family.
When you know someone your entire life, it’s hard to realize how much of your life they touched until you’re removed. We were always together and the times I thought that I was alone, I wasn’t, not really. She was there, but I didn’t see her because we grew up like that–together. We fell apart, but I will always, always feel the need to protect her.
You were my friend when I thought I had no one. I’m sorry I never saw that.
I’ve gone camping since I was tiny. I was my grandparents trusty camping companion. When they left for Florida with friends without me, I got so sick I missed school and didn’t eat. They had to come home early. I slept with their picture next to me every night. Being separated from them was like death to me then and I was only eight. I don’t think anyone can possibly mean as much to me as my grandparents do. For all their faults, they are the ones I run to when I’m in trouble, when I need someone. When something happens to me, the first person I want to tell (after my husband) is my grandma.
I love you both more than words. I miss camping, I miss our time together so much. I hate that I took it for granted, I hate that I made you both feel like I didn’t want to be there. I did.
I miss you both so much, that it tears my heart apart.
But if you knew that, you would be even sadder than you already are.
I would be lost without you. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without your guidance.
I’m done letting work have more power over me than it should. I’ll still count down the days until I’m out of there, but I will try my best not to dread going there. I won’t let thinking about it take away the days I have without it.
I can’t when I’ve lost so many already.