Eight Months

Eight Months

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I can hardly believe it. Evangeline is 8 months old! How is this even possible? Where did my little baby go? She’s really trying to be mobile now, but still hasn’t quite achieved it. She’s frustrated that she can’t just get on her belly and crawl. That’s what happens when you hate being on your tummy! She’s trying, though. I’m a little scared that it’s going to happen soon…

She’s babbling and saying things like mumumum and dadada, though not with any discernible consistency. Mostly she just goes, “mumumum!” when she’s crying and will randomly, but very clearly, say, “Dada!” She’s too focused on trying to figure out how to get places to figure that stuff out, I think, heh.

She’s still wearing her 6 month clothes, but I’ve got a few 6 to 9 months in there. I think we’ll need to switch her pajamas out soon, at least a few of them, as they’re tight on the length of her legs. The 9 month ones seem huge, though. I guess we went through that when she was turning 5 months, too…

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Mum was up over the 4th of July weekend. They arrived Saturday and left before noon on Monday. It was a short visit, but she got to spend time with Eva. It was difficult. Mum was being very erratic and just kind of mean, without really intending to be, due to her “issues”… but I did a great job of just dealing with it. We didn’t have fights like last time. I was just super stressed out afterwards. We spent almost an entire day at the mall on Sunday and Eva did amazing! Not one meltdown or fussy episode! I was so proud of her.

Mum got to see the daycare on Monday, too, as I called off work. I needed to just mentally rest after the visit and I’ve been feeling weird about leaving Evangeline, too. I think I’m just responding to her being extra clingy lately. She’s going through another “leap” and is really intent on trying to move around. She’s not sleeping great at night, she usually ends up in bed with me… though she’ll randomly do awesome and just sleep in her own bed, too. I can’t figure it out so I just say she’s going through something, haha. I’m sure it’ll pass.

It’s been so awful and rainy here that our photos got rescheduled three times and now they’re scheduled for August. I was really upset, as I wanted to get photos for her 1st birthday, too, if these turned out great. I guess I just have to buck up and deal if I want my outdoor photos…

Breastfeeding is still going well, Eva was going crazy with solids, but she seems to have scaled back lately and returned to being a boob fiend. Pumping at work still sucks and I can’t wait until I’m done! Four more months, but that also means my baby will be an entire year old and I don’t think I’m ready for that at all!

I keep thinking back to last year and where I was, mentally, then. It’s such a stretch. It’s so weird to see pictures of myself pregnant. All of it seems so very far away now, like it happened an eternity ago. It’s like looking at a different person and in a way, I was an entirely different person then! I’m glad I kept the pregnancy journal, though. It’s interesting to look at now…

5 Months

5 Months

How is it even possible that my sweet little baby is already five months?! That’s just madness. Even though it feels like an eternity ago that I gave birth to her, I’m constantly stunned by how quickly she’s growing. Week to week, things change with her. She went from just sort of sitting in her bouncer or her playmat to actively engaging it. She’s gone from guilelessly swatting at things to moving her hands with a purpose and reason, rarely ever missing her target. It’s astounding!

She’s started sitting up, or trying to, at least. She put her hands in my Chinese food Sunday, which was hilarious! She even made a little growly noise when she did it, ha! The husband’s birthday was Sunday, so we did a bunch of fun stuff and had a good day. We ended it with a dinner at a fancy steakhouse–The Chophouse–which cost a ridiculous amount but was worth it because the husband was thrilled. Eva was a little fussy,  but she survived. I nursed in public (with a cover) again, at the table, and at the Chinese restaurant. I’m getting braver. Yay!

We took pictures of her in her cute Easter dress that my dad and his wife bought her, but she was fussy. I want to get some more of her outside, but the weather isn’t cooperating. We had a nice day Saturday, but spent it doing a lot of yardwork and whatnot. Evangeline did great and hung out in the shade. She sat in her bouncer and played with toys.

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She’s changed so much since the whole newborn phase. We’re pretty sure she’s started teething, as she’s gnawing on everything. Her sleep pattern is still all wonky, which sucks. I hate that she’s in turmoil, but I also kind of miss my “guaranteed” hours of relaxation in the evening, heh. But it’s all okay. The only real frustration I have is with the husband and we’ve discussed that–he’s trying to help out more.

It’s pretty amazing how much Evangeline has changed me as a person. All my old worries and anxieties seem so pointless now. While I still have social anxiety, it’s even more moderated than before. It’s barely there now. Everything just sort of pushed itself aside when she arrived. I still worry sometimes, and the husband and I are still stumbling through some things in our journey of trying to be parents… but overall, things are going a lot better than I anticipated.

I’m driving, I’m more independent than ever, and I’m not frightened, really, of anything. I’m sure I would have reached this point eventually on my own if I worked at it, but motherhood seems to have forced me to cast aside all my neuroses. Which is just fine with me! The bonus is I get this sweet little thing to brighten my days…

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We’re ‘officially’ visiting my family Memorial Day weekend. We’ll only be there Saturday through Tuesday. It’s going to be… interesting. I’m honestly not looking forward to it, but it is what it is. It’s necessary. I’m sure I’ll be happier once it’s actually happening… at least I hope I will. It’s important for Eva to meet the rest of her family, though. I definitely want her to meet my grandparents while that’s still an option. I’m just sort of over my dad and his ridiculous detachment.

Looking back a year ago, I’m amazed. I was sick and miserable; I was scared; I was uncertain. I begrudged every step forward. I cowered in fear of the unknowns that loomed before me. A year later and here I am, I could never have pictured it or imagined it. It’s so far beyond anything I could have anticipated. I’m grateful. I’m blessed. I try to remember that when silly things try to plague me.

We’re still battling sickness with Eva, which sucks, but it could be worse… so much worse. Eventually, it will end. Her immune system will beef up. Until then, it’s stuffed noses and coughs. Once she gets better, she goes right back to being sick, sigh. Again, though, I am blessed. It could be worse.

It’s amazing how your perception and priorities change once you become responsible for someone else.

Nearly a Month

Nearly a Month

I’ve almost made it an entire month pumping at work! That’s amazing, honestly. It isn’t easy. I know I’ve still got a long time to go… but every step forward is awesome. I forgot my “hidden” pumping cups at my desk at work today, which was very bad, as we were working over at the Academy. Luckily I had my set of visible flanges… I managed to hide them under my hoodie. It sucked, but it worked in a pinch. It could have been much worse.

Once Evangeline turns five months (!!!) on the 12th of April, I’ll have five whole months of exclusive breastfeeding in! It’s been a long, hard road… but worth it. Everything got easier once we got past those first three months. There were still some struggles and there will still be hurdles, but I’m pretty stubborn about continuing on this path.

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I can’t believe how big Eva is getting and how fast it’s all happening… I had to remove her infant sling from her baby tub. She was just too long for it! Sitting in the tub without it isn’t perfect, but it’ll have to work for now. I’ve started introducing toys in her baths. She doesn’t play with them yet, but she does try to grasp at them!

She’s really starting to laugh and giggle, which is amazing. There is no better sound in the world! The husband and I are both exploring ways to make her laugh. He seems just as delighted as I am. He’s also finally getting more “hands on” with her, which is great. I think we’re getting past the stage where he thinks she’ll break if he holds her wrong. It’s so fun to see them together. She grins instantly whenever he looks at her or addresses her. Her eyes have always followed him when he talks… even when she just a newborn.

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Daycare is still going well. We accidentally forgot her tiger wubbanub yesterday and things didn’t go so well. We honestly had no idea how much of an attachment she had to it. I had intended for it to comfort her while at daycare, because it would be familiar and smell like home… but I hadn’t anticipated it actually working! The ladies at daycare said she was all out of sorts–she even refused to take all of her bottles.

We made sure not to forget it today and she was a completely different baby! The ladies said they kept a close eye on her and that she actually grabs and holds the tiger quite a lot during the day. It’s really cute. I’m glad it comforts her when we can’t.

We’re getting ready to work on our kitchen. It’s going to be a slow, slow process… but it’ll be worth it in the end. The father-in-law is doing the majority of the work. It’s going to be pricey, thus why it’s going to take forever. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Eva’s room really didn’t turn out how I had hoped… so here’s hoping this goes a little better, sigh.

Two Weeks

Two Weeks

I’ve been back at work for two weeks now. While we haven’t completely adjusted to this new routine, getting up in the morning is slowly getting easier. I’m waking up at 6am now, which is quite an adjustment… but it gives me plenty of time to get everything done that I need to before sending Evangeline off to daycare and getting to work.

The worst part is being away from her and second is pumping. I really hate pumping. It’s so aggravating and sometimes, it hurts. My poor nipples are usually pretty sore by the end of the week! So far, I’ve been able to keep up with Eva’s daycare demands… I’m just hoping that trend continues. I’d really like to make it an entire year. Hopefully my poor nipples can handle it!

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Eva seems to have taken to daycare okay. She’s happy and alert. The people there seem to really like her. Sometimes, she’s up with me at 6am and other times she sleeps until I wake her up with the husband around 6:40. She caught a viral infection, so that’s affected her sleep a bit. The worst part is the coughing! Poor thing.

She decided, the week just before I started work, that she was absolutely done with the swaddle. She’s been sleeping unswaddled since then and was doing fantastic until the sickness. We had just bought three large swaddles for her, too… d’oh.

It’s so impossibly difficult to imagine that she’s four months old already! It feels so fast and yet it feels like an eternity ago, like some sort of very distant memory, that I was in the hospital with her. In fact, it feels like a whole different life, like a completely different world! Both the husband and I are amazed at how much things have changed, how we’ve changed in such a short time. Parenthood definitely leaves its mark on you.

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I won’t lie… it’s still difficult. There are long nights and difficult periods of crying where she’s inconsolable, but the good far outweighs the bad. She’s such a sweet little thing. I’ll take the bad so long as I still get to enjoy the good. We’re slowly adjusting and growing as a family.

At the end of the month, it will be a year ago that I found out I was pregnant… that I was already 8 weeks or so along. I had no idea then that this sweet little face was growing inside of me. I had no concept of what she would be or how I would respond to her.

Thinking back on it now, it just seems so unfathomable and distant. I once dreaded the change, but now I accept it and adapt to it. Her smiling little face is enough to make it all worthwhile. It’s a new adventure, a new journey…

A New Routine

A New Routine

Dropping Evangeline off at daycare the first day was hard. I won’t lie, I cried. I’m not big on crying in front of people, but letting my sweet baby go and walking away was just heart wrenching. I whimpered and cried all the way to work. Once at work, I was okay… but I was constantly thinking about her and counting down the hours. I was just so worried about how she was doing. I didn’t realize it, but the husband was worried, too.

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The night before, I drank almost an entire bottle of wine! I helped me relax and just cry when I needed to, which was frequently. I had some wine and a cry in the tub. I cried on the couch. I cried while trying to zone out and play Dragon Age: Inquisition. I woke up with Eva at around 4am and then couldn’t go back to sleep!

Today was easier. She screamed and slept a lot the first day, but today she mostly just hung out, took the proper amount of bottles, and didn’t have any freak outs. Of course, when we pick her up, I run to get her. The husband gives me this pouty look and wants to hold her, too, so I have to hand her off, haha. Boo to sharing!

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We had a cuddle and a short nap tonight, which was nice. The husband pouted at me that I needed to go wake her up because he didn’t feel like he got enough time with her!

The evenings are a little rough. I want to spend every second she’s awake with her, but there’s stuff to do, too. I have to wash and clean her bottles, try and get them ready. Doing it in the morning is just entirely too hectic! I try not to focus on the fact that I’m only seeing her for around four hours a day… sigh.

Being back at work is kind of nice, though. I missed my coworkers and I feel ‘human’ again… more than just a milk cow. I loved spending time with Eva, but it definitely helps me to feel like I’m a person, too. I’ll never send her to daycare when I don’t have to, though. I’d much rather have her with me! The husband said he can’t wait for the weekend, haha. Me either, I want to actually sleep and I know we’ll get long, snuggly naps together.

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We had a bit of a scare tonight. Eva had a dirty diaper and as I was cleaning her up, I noticed blood on the wipe and nearly lost it! It was fresh blood, too… not the kind they poop out. I checked and the area around her little butt hole was red and little pinpricks of blood were coming to the surface. My mum and the mother-in-law assured me that she’s okay and that it happens, it’s likely a diaper rash of some sort. Still worries me. We’ve been so lucky in avoiding any of that yet!

I very nearly lost it when I saw that blood, though. My heart jumped. My stomach felt sick for an hour afterwards. Poor little thing was fussy and we just assumed she was tired… we had no idea she was in pain! I felt like an asshole.

The house looks like a bomb went off, but I just can’t be bothered to clean tonight. I’m exhausted. Eva woke up at around 5am this morning and would not go back down… so I’m pretty beat. I think I’ll be dragging hardcore by the end of the week!

So far, pumping is going okay at work and I’m keeping up. I bought these things called Freemies and they are really handy for work! Eva’s also back to breastfeeding without fussing or pushing away (mostly); I did have to walk around and nurse her once today, just before dinner.