One Month!

One Month!

Evangeline was officially a month old yesterday. It’s kind of hard to believe that a month has passed by already and yet it feels like an eternity ago that I was in the hospital. Time is a funny thing.

We’re still battling with her not wanting naps at all during the day. Now we’ve got ridiculous cluster feeding to deal with. She just doesn’t want to stop and she’s getting plenty of milk–she’s gaining and growing! It’s annoying, but I keep telling myself that she’ll only be this tiny for a short while.

I really miss spending time with my husband, though. With Eva attached to me 24/7, we really don’t get any peace to ourselves. Eva and I are still out in the living room until she gets a better schedule at night. She typically does really well–she goes to bed around 9pm and doesn’t wake up until 1am or so… and then she’s down for another 2-3 hours, repeat until 10am. It’s nice, but it doesn’t really afford me any time with the husband…

I just wish that she’d let us put her down. She hates her swing, she’ll tolerate the bouncy seat for about ten minutes, and nothing else soothes her except constant eating. Sigh. I’d love to have a newborn that sleeps. I was told there would be sleep! I never get a moment to myself and it kind of sucks. I’m one of those people who has to have time to herself. Sometimes, I’m able to give her to the husband with a bottle of expressed milk and have a bath… but that only lasts about 20 minutes before she’s fussing or crying again.

Then there’s the grunting and struggling to poop at night! It never fails to wake her up. Those nights are miserable. There’s nothing for it, though. I mean, as far as I’ve been told, it’s just a natural progression thing–it will eventually get better. Sigh.


Eva’s definitely growing and getting bigger. That’s easy to see. She’s still in newborn clothes, though, and we’re finishing off the newborn diapers though she can technically wear the size ones. She’s also started cooing, giggling, and I think I caught the barest hint of a smile the other day. It’s all very endearing.

It’s still hard, though. As someone who is intensely private and values personal time… I’m struggling sometimes. Headaches are frequent, I have to keep my frustration in check when I’m battling with her to nap so I can get a few moments to myself or with my husband, and having someone hanging off me constantly is incredibly taxing. I’m maternal, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also my own person. I can’t just disappear into the role of 100% mother… I could never be a stay-at-home-mum! I’d go mad.


The husband is getting better at dealing with her, but he still doesn’t make a proactive effort to learn how to soothe her. He did find that she really enjoys this app on his phone originally intended for cats. It has little fish that swim around. That kept her entertained for about fifteen minutes last night.

I know some day I’ll look back on this time and miss it, so I’m really trying not to wish it away… but I’m tired of my dirty house and I hate not being able to really do anything. One can only watch so much television and her head is too heavy for her to nurse properly without my assistance, so video games are still out of the question…

Thanksgiving 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

The in-laws surprised us this year and said they were doing Thanksgiving at their house. The in-laws typically don’t do holidays–we usually have to harass them to even visit the rest of the family with us! My father-in-law invited his parents to meet Evangeline.

I was a little worried about having Eva out and away from the house for so long while she was still so young… but it actually went really well. She only fussed a little, during dinner, but she was an angel the rest of the time! Of course, the grandmas fought over her and wanted to hold her; they even denied me giving her boob and instead I handed them the bottle I had brought.


I, of course, spent quite a bit of time in the in-laws’ bedroom either pumping or feeding Eva (when I managed to wrest her away from the grandmas!) She actually had a pretty long nap, too. Mother-in-law was intent on keeping her! She wanted us to stay the night because I had lamented about not being able to go Black Friday shopping. I wasn’t feeling up to it and I wasn’t ready to leave Eva during the night yet!


We did take her up on her offer to watch Eva that Sunday, though. We dropped her off around 1 or so and went out and about. It was really freeing. It was the first time I’d been out since just before my induction! It was nice to spend time with the husband, alone. We haven’t really had a chance to spend any time together and sleeping separately certainly hasn’t helped. Of course, as soon as we left the in-laws’ house, the husband asks me: “Where do you want to go first?”

My response? TARGET! He laughed. And laughed more and chided me when I bought baby stuff. What? Buying baby stuff is fun when you actually have a baby to buy for and it’s not some mysterious thing making your body hate you.

Slowly, but surely, it’s getting better. Eva is growing like a weed. These pictures were taken when she was 2 weeks and 1 day. She’s 3 weeks and 2 days now and I can definitely see the difference. She was bigger then and she’s bigger now. She’s definitely gaining weight, but she’s long and lean, with a little Buddha belly. It cracks me up! Her cheeks have also chubbed up significantly!


I don’t think I’ll ever get over that sweet face… I love looking at it, even when I’m frustrated and tired. It makes me emotional in the best of ways. I can’t believe that it’s been 3 weeks already! She’s doing good about sleeping during the night for longer periods, which is nice… but she vehemently refuses to nap during the day. It takes a miracle to put her down for naps… which means she’s cranky when the husband gets home from work and he can’t really interact with her much.


We’re working on the nap thing. It’s a challenge. At least she’s finally letting me get some sleep at night. I just try not to think about how all of this is going to work once I’m back to work in March. On one hand, it seems so far away… but I know it will come quick. I hate to leave her with strangers, but I know that the socialization is important for when she’s a little older and I’ve got to keep my job both financially and for my own sanity. I was not made to be a stay-at-home mum!

I just wish she liked her swing or anything really. I’m usually stuck holding her, carrying her, or feeding her all day long as she cannot tolerate being put in the swing, bouncy seat, or anything! She hates them. She doesn’t mind being away from me but she either finds them too stimulating or under-stimulating… it’s hard to say.

The husband is slowly trying to be more involved. I know he feels useless because it seems like all she wants is boob! But there are other ways of pacifying her and he actually has an advantage over me. All she wants from me is boob, but he can interact with her freely. She takes bottles from him fine, so it’s a starting point.



Honestly… the first few days were easy. Eva slept a lot and nursed. She didn’t really fuss at all until we had to put her in the car seat to go to the pediatrician. They found a heart murmur and we got scheduled to go to the hospital for some tests.


From then on, it’s been rocky. She doesn’t like to sleep. She wants to stay up way longer than any newborn should, which results in her getting overtired and fussy. She will fight sleep tooth and nail. There were several difficult and lonely nights coupled with recovery pain. My daft hospital thought it fit to prescribe me oxycodone! Like hell I’m going to take that while I’m breastfeeding.

Having the husband home was a help, but not terribly. I mean, it was nice to have him here and to get me water and to try and do things for me… but my husband is notorious for not doing a damn thing unless you explicitly ask him and “nagging” at him really doesn’t do anything but put him in a mood. I wish he had done more. It’s not like I even made him stay up! He slept every single night through in the bed while I’m out in the living room with Eva.

We had an incident when the husband was home. Unfortunately, it happened on a day where I had gotten zero sleep in quite a long span of time, so I was already at my wit’s end. I was annoyed with him just lying about while the house was a wreck and the dirty clothes were piling up, so I asked him to do the laundry. He sort of got an attitude, but he went to do it. I even made him a chart and hung it up in the laundry room.

Well, he goes to do it and then I hear this loud noise and him cursing. He let the cat in there unsupervised and he brought down the entire shelf above the washer and dryer, sending things flying. There was bleach everywhere. I set Eva down and ran to see what happened, worried he’d hurt himself. I was angry when I realized what happened. As I tend to do, when something doesn’t go right, I do it myself. So I hurriedly gathered the colors and threw them into the washer, not realizing he’d been dumb enough to open the washer and send bleach spilling into it after the incident. So I got bleach on a bunch of our clothes.

I had a mini-anger meltdown after that. It’s the first time he’s seen me like that. He spent the rest of the evening trying to wash clothes in very cold water in the bathtub in an attempt to prevent the bleach from setting in. It was a disastrous day. I haven’t asked him do laundry since. Instead of apologizing or anything, he moped around instead and just said, “why wasn’t the shelf secured?”

Sigh. I try not to get too angry or annoyed with him, as I know I’m battling with hormones, sleep deprivation, and just frustration… but it’s hard. I don’t feel like he’s completely “stepping up.” As with everything else, I feel like he’s doing the minimal amount to get by and hoping no one notices. I want to play video games and relax, too, but I don’t have that option.

I hate tearing into him, though. He does do things, it isn’t all bad. It’s just easier to focus on what he’s not doing it. And it’s not for lack of me asking or telling him, either. I feel like I’ve done everything to be accommodating but I’m not getting any of it in return… which is pretty normal for all of my relationships, sigh.

Adjusting to this is rough, like adjusting to pregnancy was. I don’t miss being pregnant, not at all. I can’t really enjoy not being pregnant, though. Newborns are rough and I got one that does not like to sleep. It makes it harder. She has reflux, too, which is not fun to deal with at all. Then there’s my constant anxiety that my entire body is ruined. I still haven’t looked at my stitches or how I’m healing down there. I’m terrified. I never want to look. I don’t even want to know. I seriously burst into tears any time I think about it. I can’t even talk about my boobs or stomach. I’ve lost 30 or more pounds and my stomach is almost back to being normal, except the skin. I’m so scared all of this is permanent and it’s awful.

I know a lot of it is hormones, but it’s still hard. I just keep trying to look at the positives. I don’t have Post Partum Depression–I don’t want to hurt my baby or myself. It’s just “growing pains”, trying to adjust to this whole different life while also being forced to deal with hormones. It’s tough. And it’s lonely. Nights are the worst–I hate nights. I cried a few times when the husband would go to bed. I feel completely separated from him. I miss going to bed. I miss being around him or being close to him. That’s one of the worst parts–we’ve always been incredibly close and this new “space” between us is just really hard for me to deal with right now.

It will get better. These are just the starting months. If it didn’t get better, people wouldn’t have children.


When the husband is present and engaged with Eva, my heart swells. It’s beautiful to see. I know it’s hard sometimes to “attach” to newborns, but I’m hoping he does as she grows. He told me that he thinks she hates him, because he can’t soothe her or feed her. I have him bottle feeding her, but he complains that she doesn’t fall asleep on him like she does me. I’ve tried to tell him she honestly only likes me because I’m a source of food. Right now, that’s all I am. He has the chance to be more and is quite capable of soothing her (better than me) when he actually tries.

I’ll just be happy when I can sleep in my bed and sleep for longer stretches than thirty minutes to an hour. That will be glorious…


Until then, I just have to keep looking at her sweet little face. Soon, she’ll be big. She’s already growing. Some day, I’ll want this time back.

Best Laid Plans…

Best Laid Plans...

I’m not going to lie, I thought I’d have a baby by now. Apparently, she’s quite stubborn and has no intentions of coming before she’s ready! Everyone else I knew who was pregnant with me, both those due before and after me, have all given birth already. Of course, they all had boys. Boys have little issue coming early it seems. My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow and they’re going to check me and see if I’ve made any progress. I’ll be 39 weeks.

I had these amazing plans of making my own little wooden placards with her name on them. Buying one would cost nearly $300 due to the length of her name. Of course, I got all the stuff… but I’m not terribly crafty. Unfortunately, we’re having issues with the stencils involving her name. Husband was going to cut them out… but they’re not coming out as smoothly as we’d like.


It doesn’t help that I bought some cheap acrylic paint for the lettering and it turns out it is way too runny to use! I’m not sure what we’re going to do now. I feel so defeated. I wish I were crafty. I really wanted her nursery to look nice and not just a room. Sigh.

I’ve been doing my best, but I’m still not happy with it. I’m a perfectionist, so none of this is… it just feels extremely “bland” to me. I feel like everyone else pulls out all of the stops for their first child’s nursery and it took us forever to even get the walls finished. We’re working on organizing her closet now. I’ve got everything mostly washed, just a few odds and ends left.

We’ve been leaving the the nursery room open to air it out and get Loki used to it. It used to be this mysterious room we kept a bunch of crap in, but now it’s got furniture and more importantly, stuffed animals, so he’s interested. He didn’t bother it much at first, but adding those seemed to pique his interest. The husband was in there measuring when Loki jumped up into the crib and tried to abscond one of her stuffed animals!


He really likes the little husky I just got at Carter’s over the weekend. We went out shopping a bit with the mother-in-law since the father-in-law was off hunting and she was lonely. I got some sweaters and hoodies because they were having a sale. The husband pointed out the husky dog and I grabbed it. I love huskies! Apparently, so does Loki… well, he loves anything that’s fuzzy.


After I shooed him away from the husky, he started nosing into all the other soft things. There’s a bunch of stuff piled on her crib because I’m still sorting and organizing. Loki decided that he liked the comforter and flopped down. It’s like Loki heaven–surrounded by stuffed animals and soft, cushy blanket to enjoy. Sigh. When I went to remove him, he tried snapping at me. Naughty kitty!

I don’t encourage him to go into the crib because I don’t want him doing that when she’s actually asleep in it! He’s not malicious to children by any means, he likes to cuddle with them… which is the worry. I don’t want him smothering her on accident.

As we approach the due date, I’m suffering from a lot of insomnia and just major discomfort. I haven’t had any “nesting’ vibes yet, but I’m still forcing myself to organize and clean as much as I’m able to. I fell down the steps over the weekend and while I didn’t hurt my belly, I did take the entirety of the fall on my left knee. Since then, I’ve been swelling like crazy in my legs. It’s horrifying! I’m a little worried my doctor is going to write me off work, so I’ve planned my leave out for my last day being the third. We’ll see what happens…

I’m really ambivalent about my family lately. My mother isn’t respecting my “no contact” request and my grandparents are being overly pushy about the whole situation. No one on that side is being understanding in the least. As I told the husband, as per usual, no one cares or thinks about me, they’re only worried about themselves. Thinking about it just agitates me. I don’t even know if I want to tell them when she comes, because I don’t want to deal with the stress of them coming down and wanting to bring my mother. She’s taken to calling my mother-in-law, which is just completely inappropriate!

At least my dad and that side of the family is being good. It’s like a seesaw. Annoying.

Home Improvement

Home Improvement

Our house is finally painted, hooray! I absolutely love the color. We were worried at first, as it went on very light, but it darkened as it dried. It looks awesome! We still need to pick a color for the shutters, though. We’ll likely do that sometime this week. There’s some touch-up spots still to take care of and father-in-law accidentally hit our front door with the paint sprayer, but that’s okay. We’re going to repaint all of the brown trim.


I took the picture before they were finished, so the bottom windows still have the old color above them. This is one of the pictures I took hurriedly on my phone for the mother-in-law, who was with her family this weekend.

The transformation is amazing! With everything all done, even without the shutters and the old windows, it looks so much better. It looks new! We’re really excited. It was an exhausting day for them, they started at 10am and didn’t finish up until around nearly 8pm… whew! We ended up having to buy around 3 more gallons of paint, too. We have plenty left over for touching up areas and should anything go awry once it rains…


During the week, we stopped off at Home Depot on the way home to pick up some stuff and ended up buying a patio set that was on clearance. It was originally around $800 and we got it for just under $400! It’s heavy, wrought iron and I love the chairs. They only had the floor model left, so it was already assembled. They picked it up today.

Having furniture on the deck and the house painted just makes me want the deck done even more. That’s our next big project, after the windows. They should be in next week, hopefully. The in-laws leave for Key West at the end of the month, so we’re hoping to squeeze in the windows before they’re gone for a week!

Working on the house just became easier because the husband finally got the job he applied for! He’s no longer a forensic analyst, he is technically IT now… though we’re not in the same ‘section’ of it. He’s in the programming and data management part and works for my old boss. The IT section as a whole underwent a massive structure change this past month, so everything has been kind of crazy. We were worried the husband’s transfer wasn’t going to go through… but it did! Now he’s earning $10k more a year and we’ve jumped up another income bracket… which is both good and bad. I jokingly said his raise is going to our baby’s daycare, which will be around $8,200 a year… yikes!

Speaking of which, we toured the daycare this week and were amazed. It is seriously the most amazing daycare I’ve ever seen. All the worries I had about taking her there were washed away. I’m also super glad I got on the waiting list when I did. We’re still not technically on the infant waiting list, because she hasn’t been born yet, but I was assured that with how preemptive I was, that it shouldn’t be an issue to get a spot. Here’s hoping! I’m planning on only being off work until March, which will give me around four months maternity leave and only a month or so of that will be paid.

Baby shower stuff is all scheduled. My one at work is September 12th and the family one is September 20th. It’s all kind of crazy. I’m really hoping that family pulls through and helps us out with the stuff we really need. All of this home improvement is putting a major dent in our finances and we still need to buy a car before the baby gets here… sigh.

I’m starting to feel really huge and my motor skills are pretty much nonexistent. I’m constantly dropping food on myself or making messes. It’s super annoying. I also find pretty much every position that isn’t fully reclined uncomfortable. Sitting up, standing, or being at my desk for long periods of time are really starting to hurt my back. I’ve been trying to do the exercises recommended by my Bradley Method book, but I’m usually just more for taking a bath.

With the husband no longer working OT on weekends, I’m hoping we can really ramp up how much we get done before the baby gets here. Her room still needs to be finished–we’ve made zero progress since the drywall was hung forever ago. Husband says he can’t do the mudding right, so we’ve got to figure out something. I don’t want this coming down to the wire. I’d like to start organizing so we’re not just throwing things in her room after the baby showers.

I’m really hoping my side of the family pulls through with what they said they were buying or would like to buy. It would help us out a lot. I would never demand or dictate what someone buys, but we need furniture and necessities over outfits or anything else. Between buying a car and me being off for a few months without pay, we need all the help we can get. It’s only because of the financial cushion we always keep that we’re able to keep up this pace with home repairs and that. It’s definitely catching up with us! We want to have at least $8-9k to put down on a car and we’re sitting at that in the bank right now… which will change quickly. We haven’t paid for the windows yet and those are $1,600.

I’m just thankful that the in-laws have been so helpful. We’re not wasting money paying people to do things, so it’s costing us a great deal less. They even paid for the wood to replace our deck steps, which helped out a lot!

I’m doing my best not to stress out about it and just sort of try and let things happen as they will. I only have so much control. I’ve just got to keep spending to a minimum and only on the necessities (I really need to stop looking at Zulily!) We’ll make it through, we always do. We’re much better off than a lot of people when it comes to these sorts of things simply because we keep such a tight hold on our finances.