The first few weeks I found out, everything seemed to move so slowly. It was as if I were trudging through the thickest pudding imaginable. I was miserable, though, so that probably had a lot to do with it. I kept thinking, “what if this never ends?” Which, in retrospect, probably didn’t help matters any but I really was at the depths of absolute misery. Once someone gave me a light at the end of the tunnel to keep an eye out for (my doctor gave me an estimated date as to when my symptoms would lessen significantly), everything seemed okay. I powered on through those early weeks, continually reminding myself that, “this too, shall pass.” And it did, thank God.
I can eat fairly normally now, though re-learning tastes isn’t fun. A lot of things I used to love are no longer palatable. I’ve discovered that keeping a giant bottle of Tic Tacs or some gum on hand is very helpful in ridding of that awful taste that lingers in my mouth. That helps my appetite a lot. I’ve put on a few pounds now and my belly is definitely showing. I’m so anxious, though. I don’t want to get huge. I keep saying that mantra over and over again in my head and it seems to help me from being too much of an absolute glutton.
We leave for Key West in the morning. It will be the first time I’m flying without the in-laws and just traveling with the husband. I’m not too worried, as he has a bit more experience with airports than I do and there will be less drama between him and his parents. We’ll meet up with the in-laws in Miami and then the drive to Key West begins! I’m nervous about going back through Miami on our return flight, but I’m trying not to obsess over it.
We still haven’t decided on a name. The husband is coming around to the names I’d picked out (because he didn’t have anything to bring to the table, at all.) It’s weird, though. The name I was absolutely in love with if we had a girl just doesn’t seem right somehow. Right before I found out my cousin was having a boy and I began to feel that my own wasn’t a boy as we’d thought (and the husband falsely proved), I had a dream and a name I’d been kicking around just sort of stood out. It was in my dream and that was her name and it was perfect somehow. Which is ridiculous. I’m not wishy-washy in the least and so I cringe even typing that, but it’s the truth. Since then and especially since we found out that it was, in fact, a girl… I’m stuck on that name. I sort of told the husband that yesterday when he told me he’d decided he liked the name he didn’t initially like…
I just say it aloud and it isn’t right, but the other one is. It’s like a choice was made and it’s divine, pregnancy intervention or something. Ha! Again, what is it with pregnancy hormones and that ridiculousness? Even so, it would be so like a child of mine to demand to choose her own name. I wish I could give her the longer version of it, but knowing that she has to be able to spell it in kindergarten and it’s fairly long (1o letters)… it seems wise to go the shorter route. We’ll see, though.
As far as registries, day care, and pediatricians… I’m procrastinating hardcore. I bought some cute outfits, but that’s about it. Oh! I did email the day care and ask what their infant waiting list was like yesterday. Not sure when/if I’ll hear back. If not by the end of vacation, I’ll bite the bullet and call them because I really like this place and would prefer it. I’m planning on calling the pediatrician that my coworker who recently had a baby is using, because she says she’s really awesome and she’s accepting new patients. Thinking about all of this stuff makes me very anxious, however. So, I’m trying to keep it organized without obsessing. We also need to tour hospitals and make a final decision there, but my doctor assured me there was no rush. Have I mentioned how awesome my doctor is? He is. Let’s just hope his plans for my birth and my plans align. We haven’t discussed that yet.
I am finally able to play video games again, which is just amazing after months of being away. It’s very calming for me. It’s also significantly less lonely, as the husband is right next to me and often we’re playing one together. Being holed up in the living room all alone sucked. I keep reminding myself that it’s going to happen again, when I give birth and come home. I’ve pretty much decided that if I’m going to breastfeed, husband and I need to sleep separately and I’ll camp out in the living room with the baby. At least for the first month or so when her schedule is sure to be insane. He can be well-rested so he can function and more importantly, take care of me… which he did during the first part of my pregnancy, so I’m not worried.
It’s dawning on me that we really don’t need anyone else. I always make it a point not to rely on anyone for anything, but there’s always this little nagging need for someone to rely on. I don’t have my parents, my family, and his parents are dealing with their own stuff right now, so they’re not a lot of help (though they do help when they can.) In the end, though… it’s just us. We’re pretty capable of dealing with most of what we get tossed, me especially. I like knowing and not worrying that my husband will be able to fulfill the tasks set out before him by this difficult transition in our lives–in the end, it will be worth it. It’s just going to be hell before we get to that point!
Financially, we should be okay. I’m trying not to worry about the doctor bills, the labor and delivery bills, and the initial baby bills… all the furniture we have to buy. It’s very overwhelming. Everyone keeps telling me I’ll get stuff from family/etc, but they don’t realize that I don’t rely on my family. I can’t. My dad’s side has claimed they’d love to do this and that, but so far, I’ve not seen anything. Again, I don’t want anything from them, either. For me, being independent and taking care of myself is second nature. Relying on other people is very, very dangerous.
I’m hoping when we get back from Key West, the husband will have the gumption to finish the baby’s room. At the very least, I’d like the drywall and mudding to be finished. Also, the loose boards on our back deck need screwed in. He’ll probably do that today when he mows. He’ll also be–hopefully–switching jobs soon, so that will take a lot of stress off of him.
I really need to update this more, but I’m so scatterbrained anymore.