Wow, Just… Wow

It’s so hard to believe that it’s October again already. At this time last year, I was uncomfortable, horribly pregnant, and a little bit nervous about what was about to happen. We were taking the birthing class, looking at cars, and scrambling around trying to get everything ready for Evangeline’s arrival. I had zero idea what to expect. It’s almost laughable how little I knew. Like, there was absolutely no way of truly knowing, but the change between now and then is just crazy!

Evangeline is moving around like a champ now. She’s trying to pull herself up onto things. She still refuses to crawl, although if put on her belly, will do an ineffectual crawl backwards… which then just results in her getting really angry about it, haha. I’m both excited and anxious about her walking. It will be so awesome to see her toddle around, but it opens up so many more issues with danger and trying to make sure she’s safe. It will also mean that she is truly no longer a baby

She’s been in her crib for three weeks now. The first week was rough, but towards the end, she really seemed to get it. She was so happy because she was sleeping well. We had a bit of a slip-up this week, but we’re working through it. I hate seeing her miserable and tired. Giving her the opportunity to well and truly sleep has really changed things with her baby rage and actually being able to set her down. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m confident it will get better. I’m still waking up once or twice in the night to nurse her, so I’m not really getting more sleep… but she is. That’s what’s important.

My grandmother has lost sight in one eye. They’re not sure of the cause. I’m trying to figure out a way for us to go to Pennsylvania for a quick, short trip before we leave for Key West at the end of the month. It’s going to be a busy end of the year…

I’m also trying to prepare for Evangeline’s 1st birthday. We’re not doing anything huge, but we are having family gather. I want her to have a little cake to destroy. I plan on getting some decorations/etc. It won’t break the bank, but I want her to have pictures to look back on fondly and I want her to experience new things like cake.

Things, in general, are going okay. It’s still an adjustment, even almost a year later. It’s amazing how much changes. Sometimes, I get pretty down and feel like I’ll never be the way I was before. It’s okay, though. I’m just really bad with change. I’m not going to lie, I certainly miss video games–I miss being able to play them whenever and for however long I wanted. Now, even if I do get the opportunity, I don’t play very long because I feel guilty. I need to get over that. Video games are how I decompress… and I’m slowly losing it, haha. My anxiety is super high lately and I’m having issues dealing with things. Since video games are usually unavailable to me… I’ve turned to shopping. I have a baby clothes addiction fueled by anxiety, sigh. It’s getting better. I’m addressing it.

Sometimes, I get so frustrated at myself when I remember back to my recovery time and maternity leave. There’s so much I could have done or should have done. I had plenty of time, but I was just so mentally out of it. Even though I can’t change it, and there’s really nothing to be done for it, it still frustrates me since my time is so limited now. I was just so overwhelmed and my hormones made me insane. Plus, I was in pain, and couldn’t take any pain medication… the ones they prescribed me were harmful to Eva and would go to her through my breast milk. It was a rough time. If I had known what I know now about breastfeeding, it would have been slightly easier… but how was I to know?

Breastfeeding is still going well. We cut down to three bottles at daycare to encourage Evangeline to stop snacking and instead take full meals when she’s with me. It’s helped a lot. Pumping is going okay, my automatic pump still isn’t working and I’m still using a manual one. I’m not getting as much as I was, but I’m trying to figure out if it’s just the natural progression of things or if the fact that I started working out a little after work has anything to do with it.

I’m hoping it’s not working out, as I feel like a total fatty. I’ve gained five pounds the last few months and now I’m at 150 lbs… which is less than before I lost weight and certainly less than when I was pregnant, but it’s still not great. My body refuses to shed weight easily due to breastfeeding, but I’m hoping exercise will help my mood and adjust my appetite back to normal a bit.

How weird to think that my next entry will likely be Evangeline’s eleven month post… yikes. How did we get here? How has this year flown by so fast? Hell, the past two years!

One Month!

One Month!

Evangeline was officially a month old yesterday. It’s kind of hard to believe that a month has passed by already and yet it feels like an eternity ago that I was in the hospital. Time is a funny thing.

We’re still battling with her not wanting naps at all during the day. Now we’ve got ridiculous cluster feeding to deal with. She just doesn’t want to stop and she’s getting plenty of milk–she’s gaining and growing! It’s annoying, but I keep telling myself that she’ll only be this tiny for a short while.

I really miss spending time with my husband, though. With Eva attached to me 24/7, we really don’t get any peace to ourselves. Eva and I are still out in the living room until she gets a better schedule at night. She typically does really well–she goes to bed around 9pm and doesn’t wake up until 1am or so… and then she’s down for another 2-3 hours, repeat until 10am. It’s nice, but it doesn’t really afford me any time with the husband…

I just wish that she’d let us put her down. She hates her swing, she’ll tolerate the bouncy seat for about ten minutes, and nothing else soothes her except constant eating. Sigh. I’d love to have a newborn that sleeps. I was told there would be sleep! I never get a moment to myself and it kind of sucks. I’m one of those people who has to have time to herself. Sometimes, I’m able to give her to the husband with a bottle of expressed milk and have a bath… but that only lasts about 20 minutes before she’s fussing or crying again.

Then there’s the grunting and struggling to poop at night! It never fails to wake her up. Those nights are miserable. There’s nothing for it, though. I mean, as far as I’ve been told, it’s just a natural progression thing–it will eventually get better. Sigh.

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Eva’s definitely growing and getting bigger. That’s easy to see. She’s still in newborn clothes, though, and we’re finishing off the newborn diapers though she can technically wear the size ones. She’s also started cooing, giggling, and I think I caught the barest hint of a smile the other day. It’s all very endearing.

It’s still hard, though. As someone who is intensely private and values personal time… I’m struggling sometimes. Headaches are frequent, I have to keep my frustration in check when I’m battling with her to nap so I can get a few moments to myself or with my husband, and having someone hanging off me constantly is incredibly taxing. I’m maternal, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also my own person. I can’t just disappear into the role of 100% mother… I could never be a stay-at-home-mum! I’d go mad.

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The husband is getting better at dealing with her, but he still doesn’t make a proactive effort to learn how to soothe her. He did find that she really enjoys this app on his phone originally intended for cats. It has little fish that swim around. That kept her entertained for about fifteen minutes last night.

I know some day I’ll look back on this time and miss it, so I’m really trying not to wish it away… but I’m tired of my dirty house and I hate not being able to really do anything. One can only watch so much television and her head is too heavy for her to nurse properly without my assistance, so video games are still out of the question…

Where does the time go?

The first few weeks I found out, everything seemed to move so slowly. It was as if I were trudging through the thickest pudding imaginable. I was miserable, though, so that probably had a lot to do with it. I kept thinking, “what if this never ends?” Which, in retrospect, probably didn’t help matters any but I really was at the depths of absolute misery. Once someone gave me a light at the end of the tunnel to keep an eye out for (my doctor gave me an estimated date as to when my symptoms would lessen significantly), everything seemed okay. I powered on through those early weeks, continually reminding myself that, “this too, shall pass.” And it did, thank God.

I can eat fairly normally now, though re-learning tastes isn’t fun. A lot of things I used to love are no longer palatable. I’ve discovered that keeping a giant bottle of Tic Tacs or some gum on hand is very helpful in ridding of that awful taste that lingers in my mouth. That helps my appetite a lot. I’ve put on a few pounds now and my belly is definitely showing. I’m so anxious, though. I don’t want to get huge. I keep saying that mantra over and over again in my head and it seems to help me from being too much of an absolute glutton.

We leave for Key West in the morning. It will be the first time I’m flying without the in-laws and just traveling with the husband. I’m not too worried, as he has a bit more experience with airports than I do and there will be less drama between him and his parents. We’ll meet up with the in-laws in Miami and then the drive to Key West begins! I’m nervous about going back through Miami on our return flight, but I’m trying not to obsess over it.

We still haven’t decided on a name. The husband is coming around to the names I’d picked out (because he didn’t have anything to bring to the table, at all.) It’s weird, though. The name I was absolutely in love with if we had a girl just doesn’t seem right somehow. Right before I found out my cousin was having a boy and I began to feel that my own wasn’t a boy as we’d thought (and the husband falsely proved), I had a dream and a name I’d been kicking around just sort of stood out. It was in my dream and that was her name and it was perfect somehow. Which is ridiculous. I’m not wishy-washy in the least and so I cringe even typing that, but it’s the truth. Since then and especially since we found out that it was, in fact, a girl… I’m stuck on that name. I sort of told the husband that yesterday when he told me he’d decided he liked the name he didn’t initially like…

I just say it aloud and it isn’t right, but the other one is. It’s like a choice was made and it’s divine, pregnancy intervention or something. Ha! Again, what is it with pregnancy hormones and that ridiculousness? Even so, it would be so like a child of mine to demand to choose her own name. I wish I could give her the longer version of it, but knowing that she has to be able to spell it in kindergarten and it’s fairly long (1o letters)… it seems wise to go the shorter route. We’ll see, though.

As far as registries, day care, and pediatricians… I’m procrastinating hardcore. I bought some cute outfits, but that’s about it. Oh! I did email the day care and ask what their infant waiting list was like yesterday. Not sure when/if I’ll hear back. If not by the end of vacation, I’ll bite the bullet and call them because I really like this place and would prefer it. I’m planning on calling the pediatrician that my coworker who recently had a baby is using, because she says she’s really awesome and she’s accepting new patients. Thinking about all of this stuff makes me very anxious, however. So, I’m trying to keep it organized without obsessing. We also need to tour hospitals and make a final decision there, but my doctor assured me there was no rush. Have I mentioned how awesome my doctor is? He is. Let’s just hope his plans for my birth and my plans align. We haven’t discussed that yet.

I am finally able to play video games again, which is just amazing after months of being away. It’s very calming for me. It’s also significantly less lonely, as the husband is right next to me and often we’re playing one together. Being holed up in the living room all alone sucked. I keep reminding myself that it’s going to happen again, when I give birth and come home. I’ve pretty much decided that if I’m going to breastfeed, husband and I need to sleep separately and I’ll camp out in the living room with the baby. At least for the first month or so when her schedule is sure to be insane. He can be well-rested so he can function and more importantly, take care of me… which he did during the first part of my pregnancy, so I’m not worried.

It’s dawning on me that we really don’t need anyone else. I always make it a point not to rely on anyone for anything, but there’s always this little nagging need for someone to rely on. I don’t have my parents, my family, and his parents are dealing with their own stuff right now, so they’re not a lot of help (though they do help when they can.) In the end, though… it’s just us. We’re pretty capable of dealing with most of what we get tossed, me especially. I like knowing and not worrying that my husband will be able to fulfill the tasks set out before him by this difficult transition in our lives–in the end, it will be worth it. It’s just going to be hell before we get to that point!

Financially, we should be okay. I’m trying not to worry about the doctor bills, the labor and delivery bills, and the initial baby bills… all the furniture we have to buy. It’s very overwhelming. Everyone keeps telling me I’ll get stuff from family/etc, but they don’t realize that I don’t rely on my family. I can’t. My dad’s side has claimed they’d love to do this and that, but so far, I’ve not seen anything. Again, I don’t want anything from them, either. For me, being independent and taking care of myself is second nature. Relying on other people is very, very dangerous.

I’m hoping when we get back from Key West, the husband will have the gumption to finish the baby’s room. At the very least, I’d like the drywall and mudding to be finished. Also, the loose boards on our back deck need screwed in. He’ll probably do that today when he mows. He’ll also be–hopefully–switching jobs soon, so that will take a lot of stress off of him.

I really need to update this more, but I’m so scatterbrained anymore.

No More Holly and Yuletide Greetings…

Christmas is officially over for another year.  This makes me sad, because this is kind of my favorite time of year.  It never goes the way we plan and there’s always a disaster of some kind… but I still enjoy it.  I like the decorations and everything.  It reminds me of family and of times and traditions and my family… the way it was, not the way it is now.  I think that makes it even more important, the fact that so much has changed since then.

We do rotational holidays, so this year it was with my husband’s family.  Thankfully, they all decided to do something together for once.  We met up at my husband’s aunt’s house and she cooked a feast for us.  His maternal family gathered together and we all had a nice meal.  It was pretty much the same as how I remembered it when I first went with him so many years ago.  The last Christmas we had with his family was a disaster… no one did anything at all and it was a complete waste.  I’m glad this year was not the same, or I was going to say we re-think the rotational holiday deal.

We decided on rotational holidays when we were dating.  My family is extremely important to me and if possible, I’d spend every single holiday with them.  Unfortunately, they are over six hours away from me.  So, once I moved down here, we decided to split up the holidays.  It was the most fair situation we could think of.  It makes me depressed and sad, because his family doesn’t really have the warmth and togetherness of my family… but I know he enjoys seeing his family.  It’s important to him and so we do it.  Each family is different.  I have to remind myself of that every single time… not that it’s a bad thing, but for me… holidays are big tables filled with family and being served on my grandma’s favorite dinner set.  Paper plates and a buffet, random people eating at random time with no prayer beforehand is not really something I am accustomed to.

Either way, it was a nice but tiring day.  We went to his aunt’s and then afterwards, we went to his paternal grandparents and spent some time with them.  They were actually acting pretty civil and were friendly, so it was nice.  We didn’t get home until around nine and then his parents left shortly afterwards.

We were tired because we were up super early on Christmas Eve working and then we went to bed and woke up around 8am because his parents said they’d come pick us up around 9:30-10:00… which did not happen.  They didn’t arrive until past 11:00 and my husband was pissed.  So, we got to his aunt’s late and then we got to his other grandparents an hour late.  I think my husband has gotten too used to my punctuality to deal with his parents’ inability to be on time, ever.  It’s the same thing with my parents.  Ir sucks and it’s annoying, but I plan for it now whereas my husband seems to be perpetually disappointed by their lateness.

Even though it was a good Christmas and even though we got some of our money issues sorted out, it didn’t feel like Christmas at all.  Part of it is because I am an adult now and part of it is also because of everything that’s changed.  What I associated with Christmas is pretty much gone.  I don’t think I’ll feel the magic of Christmas again unless I have children.  It’s a sad, sobering thought.

In regards to money issues, we’ve been working so much that we’ve barely spent any time at all together.  We also got generous gifts from each side of our family, which we are eternally grateful for.  Unfortunately, us being stretched thin caused an epic argument right before bed on Christmas Eve, which caused us to barely get any sleep at all.  It was one of those venting types of arguments that serves no purpose other than for two people to let out what they feel and finally be relieved of the pressure building inside.  It was a healthy release.

I’ll be glad to be cutting back on hours, though.  It sounds silly to say, but I’m being burnt at both ends between working and having to attend raids on the MMO we play.  I kind of want to quit, but it has become an obligation and I’m not entirely ready to let the people I play with down yet.  I’m burnt out, though.  I’m fully an adult, I got all my MMO “craziness” out of me when I was a teen.  I don’t really have the time or the mindset for it to be cutting into the time I spend with my husband or trying to run errands anymore.  I’d rather just play games that don’t have social or time-sensitive restrictions and obligations.

There’s also a high chance I’ve caught a cold somewhere.  I woke up with a seriously raw throat and I’ve felt rather down all day.  It sucks.  It seems like a New Year can’t pass where I’m sick.  I worked last year and I’m working this year, too, so I hope I feel better damn soon.  The coughing and resting sucks…

Slowly, but Surely

Things are mostly back to normal.  I’ve been feeling fine for a week or so now, so that’s definitely an improvement.  I had been sick for almost a month and I lost quite a bit of weight… which I won’t be complaining about any time soon!  I’m happy to be feeling well again, though.  Spending the majority of your days sleeping is not fun.  Even the week after I knew I was well, I kept having to take naps.  It was almost as if my body hadn’t completely recovered yet.  I don’t know what I had, I never went to the doctor, I’m just glad it’s gone!

Now that I’m better, I’m getting ready to head home for a week.  We’re leaving this Saturday.  My husband will, of course, return home on Sunday and then come back the next weekend to get me.  He can’t take the time off work and we have a trip to Key West looming at the end of October that he needs the time off for.  I’ll be switched to seasonal, so hopefully I can get the time off, too.  I’ll make it work… there’s no way I’m missing that trip for my crappy side job.

The husband testified at his first trial today.  We didn’t think he’d be home until around 8pm, so my mother-in-law took me to my lady doctor appointment and I helped her with some ACS stuff.  I really miss following her around and helping out.  I didn’t get paid for it, but it was so much fun.  I’ve been feeling extra lonely lately, so it was nice to be out and about.  I’m a strange person–I’m not social, yet I get weird bouts of loneliness.  I attribute it to being so far away from my family.  I’m so happy I can finally visit!

Money is tight around here, but we’re making it work.  I’m almost afraid to look at our finances for this month.  I know I have to, but I really don’t want to.  I’m also sad because we had some extra money saved back because one of the husband’s coworkers got a rebel kit and got a lens that she didn’t want.  She was going to sell it to us for dirt cheap, but another girl heard her talk about it first and after waffling around about it, decided she wanted it last-minute, sigh.  The lens wasn’t amazing, but I could really use a telephoto lens, no matter how cheap.

I used some of the money we had saved up to get my hair cut.  For girls who enjoy having their hair cut properly, it costs us around 30-40 dollars, not including the tip.  So, I went and had my hair cut for the first time in six months! I now have bangs.  With my hair properly waved out, it looks quite good… but without it, I look like a seventies chick.  I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I definitely like it when it is styled.  At least it makes my round head less… huge looking!

I’m bored, so I’m going to go bother the husband.  We’re still waiting to hear back about the job we applied for.  I look forward to the day where I don’t have to fret over finances… sigh.  It’s typical to have some worry, but my worry is to the point of not sleeping and getting so obsessive I am budgeting everything down to a ridiculous extent.  Worse yet… I have to get my eyes re-examined for a whopping one hundred and thirty-nine dollars!  That’s the cheapest we can get around here and we have no eye insurance, sigh.  I can’t get new contacts (of which I am out of, both eyes) until I have an up-to-date prescription.  That’s so lame…

We’re supposed to be working on upgrading my computer, since it needs it and my husband has gotten a new power supply ($100+), a new hard drive ($70-80), and something else that broke, but I can’t remember.  This wouldn’t be an issue, but shit on his PC keeps breaking and mine is overdo for an upgrade.  His PC is ten times better than mine and I want to play Skyrim, damn it.  My computer has also started taking fits, sigh.  I’m afraid we won’t have enough money to put into the parts it needs before it craps out completely.  It’s done me good for the past four years, though.  Where my husband has had all kinds of issues, mine has ran like a dream… until recently, sigh.