“Do you know the lead singer of ‘She & Him?'”

I had the weirdest thing happen to me yesterday at work.  Picture it: I am in my uniform (yes, we have to wear a uniform!)… my blue shirt with horrible, orange-gold accents on the sleeve and collar hem, my totally stylish matching blue visor, my khaki pants, and an apron.  Stylin’, right?  Anyway, I had a fellow mall employee walk up, and before she ordered, ask me if I knew the girl from ‘She & Him’.  I asked ‘what girl?’ while my insides immediately named the woman, but I refused to believe it.  So she went off and listed a bunch of thing the actress has been in.  I can’t take it anymore and I say:

Zooey Deschanel?”

She responds, excitedly, “yes!  Her!  Well, you look like her.” She notes my puzzled expression, “Really.  Have you seen her?  You do.”

Beg pardon?  I’m a natural blonde and while my current and almost natural color is truly radiant, it is hardly black or brown.  I don’t get it.  I asked the fiance and he just gave me a puzzled look until I told him she was the chick in ‘The Happening’.  He didn’t seem to agree.  At all.  I don’t think I do, either.  The woman in question is the following.  She’s been in a ton of things.  She’s also thirty.  I’m not sure whether to be flattered or just completely baffled.

I’m not sure I see it.  I mean, she’s got better features than I do.  Maybe it’s the eyes or something, I don’t know.  I recently had to color my hair, again, because I suffer from being a natural blonde with dark roots (and have throughout my life since puberty, sigh!) so coloring is necessary.  Otherwise I look like a meth addict, a hooker, or possibly, Courtney Love on a good day.  Anyway, it turned out to be really close to my natural color (sans dark roots) and it is glorious.  No, it is.  It’s shiny and beautiful.  I guess it’s true, using this same hair color stuff makes your hair awesome!  It’s been awesome lately.  I am in love with my own hair.  Anyway, it brings out my eyes and my pale complexion wonderfully.  I want this hair color forever!

So maybe that’s it.  The stuff I switched to using is Clairol’s Natural Instincts… which are amazing.  There is no funky smell, no nasty effect on the hair, in fact, it makes my hair feel healthier.  It’s shinier and really more willing to cooperate.  I love it.  It also only takes ten minutes, though I usually do twenty.  I got Sahara this time and while it did not come out at all as light as it did on the box, it almost resembles my hair color.  Plus, it doesn’t do the ‘all over’ one color.  It naturally seems to blend with whatever color your hair was before.  It’s very dynamic.  I love it!  I may just keep using this and stop getting my hair professionally done if she can’t achieve this same color.

Anyway, enough of that crap.  I FINALLY GOT WEDDING SHOES!  The torture is over, you have no idea how happy that makes me.  I was so sick of looking at ugly, ugly shoes.  I settled on a pair I found at Zappos.  Usually, I can’t get these type of sandals to fit me… but these?  Fit like a dream.  I am in love.  Hooray!

Fiance and I have also been working out butt off with Wiifit.  We bought it Easter weekend and it’s really, really helped.  My thighs are as tight as tree trunks and my abdomen is slowly going back to the days of my super, extreme pilates workouts!  Woohoo!  I am very excited about it.  As long as you treat it as an exercise instead of a game, it’s great.  I was pretty floored when it told me my BMI was a little below normal, though.  I weight about 135lbs right now, and I’m 5’7″.  Two years ago?  I weighed about 115lbs.  Apparently that was severely underweight, but I felt great.  But I also lost my boobs.  And that sucked.

My last day at work is also this Saturday.  Wow.  It’s been over a year and it’s finally over.

So far, May is going well.  A hell of a lot better than April.

Oh, the Huge-Manatee!

So.  The biggest and most important news?  My wedding is completely planned, booked, reserved, whatever.  It’s a done deal.  Hooray!  All thanks to my father-in-law.  We will be getting hitched on Sunset Key and then having a little dinner with the guests at the restaurant on the key, Latitudes.  Eat that, rich people!  We will totally be invading your little home away from home.  I’m pretty happy.  It’s definitely more than I expected.  We’ll hopefully be getting married by the Church of Christ pastor down there, but if not, there’s a notary on the key.

Now I just need to get my damn dress altered.  It just needs a strap moved slightly so it pulls the mid-section tighter.  I had to go one size above my normal to ensure maximum boob fitting.  Sigh.  I also need shoes.  I’m tempted to just go freaking barefoot, but I really don’t want to be stuck barefoot for hours.  Not in sand.  Sand and my feet really don’t agree.

I was hijacking fiance’s facebook and I saw someone left him a comment asking if he had pre-wedding jitters.  He said no, but I did.  Ha!  I have nerves of steel!  I laugh in the face of lifetime commitment!  Right.  Even he seems to know I’m a commitment-phobe control-freak.  It’s not that I want to be with anyone else, it’s just that, well… I wasn’t exactly raised around a bunch of successful marriages.  Only my grandparents, and they were married wayback when people still got hooked up through arranged marriages!

The other caveat is that my last name will change.  I think that’s what I have the most trouble accepting.  Because I have such a woefully common name (we’re talking four or five always being in the same room), I was always identified by my last name.  No one called me by my first name but my family.  My entire life at public school consisted of being called by my last name.  It became my nickname of sorts.  Plus, everyone in our town knew that name.  I was known by my ancestors, both good and bad, but still.  Now it will change.  Now I will be known by someone else’s name.

And no, I will not hyphenate my name.  I think that’s stupid as hell.  Anyway, the big thing is I don’t look like the family I’ve known all my life.  I act like them, I was raised by them, but I don’t look like them.  I don’t have my dad’s last name, I have my mum’s.  They were never married.  I barely know my dad’s side of the family and yet, if you put me next to them in a picture?  You’d think I belonged there, because I look so much like them.  I look like an outsider in all the pictures with my family.  It’s just a weird thing I’ll have to deal with.  Nothing to associate me with the people that raised me and worse yet?  I am the last one.  Once my last name goes, it goes forever.  There are no more.  My uncle never had children.

It’s just kind of sad.

Trying Not to Sink

I realized last night, at 10pm, that I had forgotten to take my birth control at 7:30pm.  I noted as much to my fiancé, who gave me a desperate look.  I quickly opened my purse and popped the pill in my mouth.  No problem, right?  Then I noticed there was one more pill in there than there should have been.  Apparently I forgot to take it the day before.  Oops.  My fiancé’s desperate look turns to one of quiet panic.  I take the second pill.

So that’s why I felt weird yesterday.  I feel worse today.  Two pills = insanity.  My appetite is still all messed up.  My body gets hungry, but I don’t want anything.  I tried to eat something earlier with little success.  This is bad and dangerous for someone with low blood sugar and anemia.  Sigh.  I hate my body sometimes.

I’m also having no fun with this wedding stuff.  It’s so huge and big and scary.  I hardly know what to do about it all.  I’m not even doing a big wedding!  By most standards, it’s small and hardly noticeable as a wedding… yet there’s still planning, things to do, things to choose.  I’m so lost.  Most people have their mothers, grandmothers, sisters, cousins, or best friends forever gal pals to help them.  I have no one, really.  I can’t mention too much to the fiancé without his eyes glazing over.  I feel the same way.  I don’t want to deal with this, either.  Why am I the only one trying?  It sucks.  I hate it.  I want someone else’s input, hell, I want someone else’s help.  I want to have a nice day, but without help, it sucks.  It just seems so much more simple to go to a damn court house.

I wish my family was even remotely interested, or happy.  They’re just as neutral as my fiancé.  I don’t want to be stuck in this rut.  It’s not longer romantic or whimisical.  It never really was, I’m not one prone to those sorts of things.  We’ve been engaged almost three years, we already act like we’re married… this will just make it official.  It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is, because I’ve never been big on weddings.  And I have like, no support.  No help.  I hate it.  I hate my family for not caring because my cousin already got married.  That’s all you had in you?  One effort to care?  I’m so glad I’m not there anymore.

My hormones are causing a lot of this, but I can’t deny the tightening that builds in my chest when I look at venues, prices, etc.  I love my fiancé, I do, more than anyone else in the world… but that doesn’t mean I’m all about commitment.  It took me forever to commit to being his girlfriend, longer to believe I was his fianceé, but this?  This is huge, monumental, no going back.  I don’t want to be with anyone else, but my soul is sort of crying out in horror because commitment = scary.  I’ve watched relationships crumble, marriages dissolve, all of it.  No one has ever tried to enstill any faith in commitment for me.

Support, help, anything, would be nice.  But I won’t get it… because I never do.  It sucks.

Wedding Daze

Okay, so I really need to put my nose to the grindstone… not because it’s big (even though it is), but because five months really isn’t as long as I’d like it to be!  The sooner I get this crap done and over with, the sooner I can stress out about something else.  Funny how that works, isn’t it?  I don’t think I could live if I weren’t stressed–it’s my lifeblood!  Anyway… I haven’t posted a picture yet, so here’s my dress.  Obviously, I am not as tall/statuesque as this lady, but we have similar complexions and hair colors.  I have more boob, though.  Which is why I had to get it a size larger… sheesh.

As you can see, it’s very flowy.  It’s also supposed to touch the floor about an inch or so… which well, I guess I’ll be getting some sand in my toes.  You can’t see it on this picture, but there’s some very elaborate beading below the “bow”-like top, and it’s very delicate… but I love it.  Anyway, since it’s not necessarily over-the-top formal, I’m going sans-veil.  I’m thinking of an up-do, since my hair won’t be long enough to be exquisite down.  So I’m planning a side-bun with a comb accent.  I’ve had a hell of a time finding combs I like, but I did find these and I think they’d add a beachy feel but not take away from the elegance of the dress.  They are, however, $50… which is a bit high for freakin’ ‘fancy’ bobby pins!

The little crystals acting as the middle of the lilies, though, would set off the beading on the dress wonderfully, though…

For jewelry, I want something simple.  I was looking at these, but the review said they felt and looked cheap.  The set is only $20, though… which is very tempting.  But I’ve also seen some stuff at other stores I still want to check out.  I need something simple and not too elaborate.  The dress itself is very low-key and old school… I really do love it.

Shoes is probably going to be the worst to find.  I’m planning on looking at tons when the fiancé and I go out on Thursday.  I want sandals with a moderate heel.  It’s not like anyone will see them, but I want something comfortable that will also give me some height… a major bonus being I can wear them later.  I really want silver ones, because the beadwork on the dress is silver.  I had been looking at these, from Piperlime but waited too long and now they’re out of my size.  They were marked down to $30!  I’m praying I can find something similar, because these were perfect.  Sigh.  I wish I hadn’t waited!  Reviews had said they were pinchy, though… and I have wide feet.  So if its pinchy to someone with normal, girly feet?  Oh yeah–discomfort.

So that’s pretty much what I have to work with so far.  We still haven’t completely decided on the when and where details yet.  My in-laws said that we can probably contact the concierge at our condo and just do it on the little beach we have there… which would work out well, as we’d probably get more privacy than a public beach… but it’s very small and RIGHT by the parking lot.  It’d also cost less, but I don’t know what I want yet.  I need to start really hammering through my thoughts and think about things from every angle.  This is stressful.  I couldn’t imagine doing a ‘real’ wedding.

I’m also happy because my grandparents said they may, may try to make it.  I was and am still really disheartened by the lack of interest by my family as a whole… but I guess I kind of expected it, too.  My fiancé is appalled, of course, because his family is over-the-moon.  He’s the apple of his family’s eye, though and I’m the outcast that’s ‘abandoning’ mine.  Plus, my cousin has already married and given birth.  So, yeah.

In Like a Lion?

So, it’s March.  Holy crap.  I’m still kind of in shock.  This time, last year, I was preparing a small arsenal of things to haul with me down here to the Tri-State area.  I was still kind of apprenhensive about living with my soon-to-be in-laws and working.  Now it’s nearly been a year.  Damn.  It’s felt like more than a year, and yet in some ways, it hasn’t.  It’s weird how time works.  When you think it’s moving slowly, it’s actually zipping forward at record speeds.

Today, however, seems to be dragging on as slow as molasses.  Maybe it’s because I feel like a nervous mother who has just sent her child off to kindergarten.  The fiancé’s first day of work with the WV State Police as a Forensic Analyst began today, this morning, actually.  He left around 7:15am.  Of course, I woke up with him and demanded he eat breakfast.  I’m insanely maternal like that.  When he left, I went back to bed and awoke an hour or so later to Loki-cat sleeping in the little space where I had curled up.  His head was resting on my leg.  It made me happy and sad… sad mostly, because I miss my cat tremendously.  Especially when I wake up.  She always slept with me and I awoke to the sound of her purring.  I want so badly to have her with me again, it tears me up to leave her alone.  I can’t wait until we get an apartment.

The fiancé insists on working at his old job on weekends, so I’m still working Saturdays and Sundays.  This means I have every weekday off and I’ll be without the fiancé until at least 4pm.  I’m not even sure what to do.  It’d be different if this were my house, but it isn’t, so really… I don’t have any cleaning or maintenance to do.  I guess I’ll have to focus on wedding stuff and planning on when I need to go back to PA for a week.  Buh.  The wedding stuff is annoying, I didn’t want a ‘real’ wedding because of the annoyance… but it seems they are annoying no matter how small or minute.

I still need to get my dress altered and I have to pick out jewelry.  Which is easy, since most of it is cheap.  I also need shoes… not so easy.  I saw some jewelry at WalMart that was really shiny and pretty, but impossibly fake… but also very cheap.  Hey, it all looks the same in pictures, you know?  So if I can’t find anything else, I’ll definitely be getting that, because it would look great with my dress.  I am also probably the only female who didn’t know that people had ‘wedding showers’.  The conversation that resulted in this discovery was rather hilarious.

MIL, smiling: “Lee wants to throw you a shower!”

Me, incredulous: “…but I’m not pregnant!”

MIL, looking at me as if I have twenty heads: “NO!  A wedding shower!  God, sometimes I wonder what planet you’re from.”

Me too, MIL.  Me too.

And then, to make matters worse?  She busted into our room last night as we were relaxing and getting ready to go to bed.  She started tormenting my fiancé with a mother’s love, which is always hilarious.  She tries to hug and kiss him and he feigns repulsion and pushes her away.  She eventually pulls out some scissors and starts working them.  I jokingly ask her if she’s sure she wants to castrate her only chance at grandchildren.  She says the following:

“I had a dream last night.  You know, one of my dreams.  It was a cute little baby girl with a tag.  The tag said, ‘A Gift from God.’  I think it means someone who isn’t ready for a baby yet has one.  I wonder who?  I wonder what it means.”

Good thing she doesn’t know our planned name for our daughter, if and when we have one, is Evangeline.  That could’ve been messy…